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I live with my 91-year-old dad. I cook, clean, buy groceries, take him to dr or to get haircuts, etc., and pay all his bills. Plus I pay him $200 a month for "rent". One sister lives out of state and calls him almost daily. The other sister lives five minutes away and helps on occasion taking him to the dr when I'm not available. She comes once or twice a week to visit for a couple of hours. Neither sister helps out financially. I have tried to discuss it with the local sister, but she says things like "you live with him." She and my dad feel like since I am being given a roof over my head and I chose to live with him and would be paying bills even if I didn't live with him, then my sisters are not obligated to help out financially. Are they right?

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You got that right, selfishness and greed. But..I hope someday they will realize themselves in the same situation. A time for reflection. My oldest brother made the comment years ago when my dad died, he wished he had contacted him. Dad took on another family. Well, he seem to have had regrets then, but obviously does not remember as he is doing the same thing with Mom.
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Wow this is so much more common than I realized!! I am new here and my first question was don't my siblings have any responsibility here? I was amazed. I do live with my sister and my mom but we all pay equal on everything because the situation started as a "roommate" thing, although my sister and I knew mom was in early stages of dementia. But no more. Now she's got Alzheimer's with sundowners, and takes both of us to care for her. When the siblings visit she can still kind of act lucid so they probably let themselves off the virtual moral "hook" by believing that! How sad this society is. Throw it away if it can't serve you... I am so disappointed in my family and am so sorry for all of you going thru this as well. A truly sad commentary on the people we have become in this day and age....families falling apart due to selfishness and greed.
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Unfortunately, the hard Truth is that the only person you are in control of is yourself. My parents always told me Expect nothing • Appreciate everything. and I have seen that attitude allow them contentment in caring for my grandmother alone. Now as an only daughter Carry for them-their attitude makes that much much easier and pleasurable than it would be. I guess my point is -most likely your siblings are very wrong. Bat Knowing that wont Change it. The only thing you have Control over in the situation is your own attitude. So take Control of that. The fact that they DONT do doesn't change the rightness of the fact that you do DO. Be proud of what you do, Think of itas a privilege and responsibility and yourself as a responsibile person. Assume others are doing what they Can rather than deciding what they Should do. And feel sorry for them that their lives do not allow them to do more for whatever reason that you do not Know. That said. Never assume you are the ONLY Caregiver if you are not. Be open about finances and the physical needs of the person being cared for. Without demanding or even expecting help. "Dad has an appt and I Can't take him' "Dad needs help dressing I Can only do Such and Such- not sure how other will get doneh"And NEVER go beyond your own physical abilities' And YES look for a way to move out and live your life. When you do-its time for an honest family meetiig . In the Meantime- the only release you will find of the bitterness is inside yourself. Give yourself Some peace and let go of what others "
should do"
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jeannegibbs, no they have no legal authority to speak for mom I am her POA. Thanks for your comments it's always helpful to hear someone else's opinion . And another thanks for the A+ :-)
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No one does understand until they have been a caretaker. I understand it, because the stress killed my sister. Now, mom is fine. She will be 95 on the 30th of March. So, do what you have to do or what you want to do and don't expect any help from anyone. They aren't going to help and I am betting they aren't going to willingly hand over any cash.
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Flipperbby, you are feeling used because you are being used. You get an A+ for perception.

They held a family meeting WITHOUT you? Excuse me? If they are going to treat you as an outsider, I hope to heck that they are prepared to pay you as an outsider.

Do they have any authority to speak for Mom? Is Sis the POA? If I were in your situation Sis would be using that POA to find other care for Mom. I'd continue to love Mom, from my own residence. I'd give notice, of course, so Sis could find someone to do what she wants done and pay for the privilege. Sheesh!
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CBJ, wow I totally relate it your situation as it sounds so much like mine . My older sister came to moms with her husband today so we could all have a family meeting however I was not included in this family meeting. Then before sister left town I was told what I should be doing and what I need to be paying ..... Really are you kidding me !!!! I am the sole caregiver of our 91 year old mom I get paid nothing for giving her 24/7 care don't understand it at all but I do know I feel used , stressed out and frustrated hang in there and good luck
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I wish I could tell everyone that is contemplating moving in with a parent, not to do it. I find very few examples of it working out. Yes, siblings do think "She is living there. What does she do all day?" Plus, many times they think you are helping too much and mom or dad needs residential care.

The stress of your situation can kill you. Can you call a family meeting and say "in 2 weeks, I am out of here. What do you want to do about dad's care?"

I am guessing that your sisters, do think that you are mooching. I had to tell 3 different grandchildren, that "No, they were not moving in with great grandma." They thought that they saw a way to live scott free.
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cbj, your sisters have no legal obligation to contribute financially, to visit, or even to call their father. Ethical or moral obligation is another matter, but that is not my place to judge.

How much care does your father need? Are you able to hold a job? Perhaps the whole idea of paying rent could be re-examined.
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Thanks GiveaHug. There are actually 6 others!! My siblings will do the same as now, little as possible to nothing. I blame my mom too. She puts the burden on me and claims she is independent. The sibs go along with it. Works for them!

As for pay, I am sorry, but caregiving is 24/7. Believe me I know and no amount of money is enough for what we do. I used to pay rent too and realized that was insane! If my sibs had to pay someone, it would be ridiculously expensive. They will never do that. They will put her in assisted living and probably do even less. As a friend said, no one should deal with the physical, emotional and spiritual. It is that and more. It is much easier if that person is not family. If you get them to pay, let us know how you did it!
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What is it that you want your sister's to help pay for? As for your situation, it depends how much care you give your father and what it would cost to pay for that care vs rental/utility costs in your area. It could be that the $200.00 rent is equitable to living with him and caring for him, or a situation of breaking even and not paying the rent or you, not paying rent and being paid for his care. It also depends on what additional expenses you are providing above and beyond normal household expenses. Also into this equation, does your sister get compensated for taking your father to Dr's appointments when you are unavailable? This scenerio would be no different if your father was living with you instead. The main point is your arrangement with your father, fair and equitable for both you and him. You sister's financial contribution would be over and above your expenses directly related to your father's care.
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radiator, take good care of yourself, find a job and make plans for your future. Once you are able to get out on your own, split your duties with the other 4. Each can take one day a week to spend with her. If she can't stay alone, she can hire help to come in or move to Assisted Living. It's not fair for all of this to be only on you. Move forward and be happy.
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I agree. I am in the same boat with 6 siblings. I have 4 in the area (2 in California in Winter), four who live in the area and have not visited for months. Everyone tells me I should get the house. Mom has divided will 7 ways. Two sibs are totally missing in action and live and work close.

The only thing the 3 older do (have spouses too and are retired) is let my mom take them to lunch, or they occasionally take her to lunch. But none have seen her since Christmas. I am trying to find work so I can get out of here. It has made me bitter. I feel bad for my mom as I have no idea what they will do when I leave, put her away. But I need my life back. There is nothing monetary, breaks or nothing do I get from them. They think I have it made with free rent and she thinks the same thing. She is also 91. It is sad, but I need to take care of me and that is my plan. I have had counseling regarding this. I know I have done the right thing and they have not. They think differently I am sure. We are not unusual. We have a selfish society and it is very sad for the old. I am glad I do not have children as I will have no one to blame or be angry at, but they will and that they will have to live with because they are an example to their own children. Take care of you. At least the one sister visits. Wish I could say that about my deadbeat siblings!
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Not legally no..Who is your fathers Power of Attorney for both medical and financial? What does your Dad pay for? Actually he should be paying you to care for him.
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