My mom is currently in the icu on a ventilator due to Covid 19. One of my older sisters is her POA and primary caregiver. She’s the only one the hospital will give information to and she then relays that to my other sister. Neither will be honest with me about how good or bad she’s doing. Every time I ask about mom my sister will say something vague like “they put her on medication” or “we just have to keep praying for her recovery”. I’m absolutely terrified of losing my mom. I’ve been crying for the past two weeks. When she first went to the emergency room they lied to me and said it was a uti. Eventually my oldest sister ( not one the two mentioned earlier) let it slip that it was actually Covid. I called my mom’s hospital room but she couldn’t even speak because her breathing was so bad. I don’t know what to do. My mom has kidney failure and has been on dialysis for the past 4 years. She’s very high risk. She’s also had a really bad bout with pneumonia before. What should I do? How can I get them to be let me know what’s going on?

Ask sister who gets all the first hand news, to call all of you on conference call at same time. You can say, then you only have to say it once. We can ask questions that you can ask the next time you're in contact with the drs.

Call the nurses station and identify yourself as the daughter to see how mom is each day. You may be surprised at info you are able to get...unless there is some reason a POA sibling has given them specific direction to not share any info with you. Call mom's room from time to time to see if a nurse answers. As someone else said, write a letter to mom and ask a nurse to read it to her - put your phone number on the letter and ask someone to call you after the letter is read.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to my2cents

Dear AugustWiscogal, I’m sorry you’re in this painful situation. Trying to think outside the box for the why, is it possible your sisters haven’t even yet told your mom that she has Covid? Maybe both they and she originally assumed her illness was a bad UTI, and since ventilation she’s been too “out of it” to even hear the doctors’ diagnosis of COVID-19.

Maybe the two sisters prefer (wrongly) to upset you through not giving accurate information, rather than risk upsetting your mom through having you spill the beans when crying on the phone to her? Here is a direct cut and paste from “medical power of attorney may give the agent the right to prevent access to a parent if the agent believes the visit would be detrimental to the parent's health.” I stress “may”. Check with your state.

Or consult an attorney to figure out how to be brought into the loop on your mother’s current health crisis.

Most easy route: ask your oldest sister to keep you in the loop on your mom’s health. The other sisters are obviously more forthcoming with her, so ask her to notify you of any and all news, even “no change” news.

As other posters have delicately mentioned, due to length of time your mom has been battling this illness while on ventilator, and with her other bad and long-standing health problems, it is possible your dear mother won’t survive this.

Do you feel you can write to her c/o the hospital and use bright beautiful cards? Write of your love for her, distress that you can’t be there to help, and that so many are sending her best wishes for a good outcome (whatever that outcome may be: death as a release, or better health). Check that the hospital is allowing patients to receive mail.

Write daily, so that then, if you do get the devastating news that your mother has died, you will know she heard your words of love and saw your pretty cards.

I’m saying prayers for both you and your mom, and that your sisters all bring you fully into the loop.
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Reply to BeenThroughThis

While the hospital cannot give out a lot of info on a patient, I think if you call Patient Information at the hospital, you may be able to get more info on your mother's condition than you are getting from your sisters. I don't know i your sisters can block the hospital from giving you regular info; don't ask!
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Reply to caroli1
rovana Sep 28, 2021
How does that work with HIPPA?
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They may not actually know any more than you do, there is no sure fire way to predict whether someone in the hospital will improve or not. I'm pretty sure they will tell you when she's recovered enough to be released from the hospital though, until then your tears and prayers are probably the appropriate response. 🤗
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to cwillie

Firstly, I am so sorry for your situation.

Would asking the POA sibling for clear honest medical info work?

What reason is given not to do so?

Is it to put a positive spin on things? Keep uber positive - maybe with some denial mixed in? ☹️

Or just not medically minded & so actual terms don't sink? If so, could you get the POA to give permission for you to call to get medical info?

If it's a personality/control type thing I'm afraid I don't know what to suggest.

I hope your Mom can recover 🙏.
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Reply to Beatty

You know August, this virus is so crazy. People you think won’t be affected are and people you think couldn’t possibly make it through, do. Your sisters may be getting a report that they are afraid to share with you but realistically, we just don’t know when a person will live another day or die As you said, your mom is in poor health so you won’t be surprised if she doesn’t make it but I’m sure hoping she does in spite of it all. She must really be a fighter to have been on dialysis so long and to have survived a bad time with pneumonia. Send her all your very best and work to gather all your strength around you. Im sending a link for your area that has suggestions. Read these suggestions and see if you can work to calm yourself. You will come across as stronger and better able to manage information when you speak with your sisters. Often people ask here on the forum If they should share bad news and sometimes they are just so afraid of hurting their loved ones. Big hugs for you and let us know how it’s going. We will be watching for your replies. we care.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to 97yroldmom
AugustWiscogal Sep 24, 2021
Thank you so much. She is definitely a fighter and the strongest person I know.
Have you told your sisters by not being honest with you you are crying all the time. I see no reason why the POA cannot give a sibling info on her own Mom. Others will say as POA she is not obligated too. I was POA and I would never kept info from my brothers.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to JoAnn29

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