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my mom had a stroke age 61. she has been through rehab but is now per mentally not able to walk, get out of bed or chair. no use of her left arm. speech is some what ok. mom never wanted to be in a nursing home but we had know choice to put her in a home that also had rehab. She has comepleted all the rehab the doctors feels she will be this way for the rest of her life. She is depressed and crys alot. I feel the best option was to keep mom in the home so she would be taken care of better. My sister who works a full time job, is married for 20 years and know kids decided that she would hire someone to be there through the day and she would stay there after her work. My other sister agreed to this and decided she would also come and help on her days off of work. My sister is now complaining that she never gets to have anytime with her husband and no longer has a life. She has been doing this now for 3 weeks. She text me yesterday disowning me because I am not helping or coming down during the week to give her a break or come on the week ends when Im off to give her a day off. I am married with 3 kids. I knew what a task this would be and I made it plain to both my sisters I did not want to do this. I told them both up front I would come and visit mom just as I had been doing but as far as coming down after work and weekends that I would not be doing this. Now they are making me feel like Im doing something wrong

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Shawn. Your question was how do you deal with sisters being angry. You'll have to understand that they may act out for awhile. They are having to come to grips to what has transpired. Rather than focus on that, they are focused on you. The person to focus on is your mom. Try to get her back where she can get therapy. My husband's youngest cousin, overweight and with high bp, lost his job. Quit taking his meds and had a stroke. About 53 yrs old. His sister got him in a NH that worked with him until he was able to move into his elderly moms home.he was in a wheel chair, had to have a care taker. Meals on wheels etc. He stayed there a few months and then went for more rehab in a home where only stroke victims lived and there he progressed even more. He is back at his moms house. Drives. Cooks. Walks with a cane. I'm sure there are many examples of all levels of recovery and your moms may or may not improve but she really needs a chance at getting as much help as possible. I'm so sorry for all of you for having to deal with this.
You may not be the oldest but you seem to be thinking clearly as to what you have to offer. Your sister is most likely sure she is right. But she can't dictate your life. One of you may need to get a POA to better advocate for her. I would just ignore the off base remarks and keep mom in mind. Don't give your energy to anything negative.
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Shawn - it sounds like your sisters had no idea of how hard mom's care would be if they are fed up after three weeks and that you had a clearer vision.

You were clear up front and to what you could and could not do. You did nothing wrong.

Now the sisters want to change the game. My suggestion would be to meet with them, with a mediator if needed, and honestly assess mom's care. In my opinion - she needs to be in a care facility with people caring for her in shifts, 7x24. All three of you sisters will of course visit her, advocate for her care, and divide the many tasks that still have to be done for your mom even though she will be in a nursing home.

but do not feel guilty or pressure - you were honest with your options. Stick to your guns otherwise you'll be angry and resentful and the real issue will still not be addressed: your mom needs a higher level of care than the three of you can provide. Keep reminding all of your sisters - you love your mom, all of you. You want the best care for her.

Good luck and keep us posted.
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Your sisters are angry because they made a bad decision and you are not buying into it and sharing the work that they created. I am sure they had good intentions but had no idea how hard it is to care for another adult. Don't fee guilty about being smart. When they gripe to you remind them that they should have had her stay in the facility where she was safe and cared for. Did they really think this was going to be a piece of cake?
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Shawn, it's a little hard to follow your post due to the way it's worded. Are you saying you think your mother should have remained in the nursing home? Was that an option? Nursing home care is very expensive, and the person either has to have private funds or qualify for Medicaid. Is that the case with your mother?

I agree with freqflyer - you need to sit down with your sisters and figure out what your options are. Your mother could live a very long time in this state of serious disability. If your sisters are wearing out after a few weeks, imagine trying to carry on like this for years, or decades. It's natural for your sisters to think that it would be much less grueling if there were three of you involved instead of just two, but I personally don't think the kind of full-time care your sisters are providing is sustainable over the long term even split three ways, at least in the case where the caregivers have jobs and families to look after. The three of you need to get together and figure out another plan.
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shawnab, you thought it would be best for Mom to stay in a care center, right? And you were perfectly clear with your sisters about how much they could count on you (occasional visits only) if they insisted that Mom be discharged to her own home.

(The use of "home" in your post is a little confusing. So correct me if I'm wrong about this.)

Your sisters are now angry that you are sticking to your decision, as they are facing the reality of elder care. I think they would be frustrated and angry even if they didn't have you to focus it on. They made a mistake and now they have to figure out what to do.

How do you deal with them? Well, try hard to refrain from saying "I told you so." Don't push blame on them. Poor dears meant well and they have enough anguish on their plates without you serving up more.

Be firm in your own decision. Be polite. Even be sympathetic. But don't waiver in your own decision. You don't have to justify it or explain it or criticize their decision. You had a right to make your decision and they had the rights to make their decisions. The fact that theirs turned out to be unacceptable is not your fault and is no reason for you to change yours.

They either figure out how to live with the decision they made, and make it work, perhaps with lots of hired help, or they make a different decision. That is up to them.

If it is any consolation your decision was right for you, and their decisions are turning out to be wrong for them. But please do not rub this in. Please to not engage in contentious discussions with them. Again, they are not bad people. They just made a mistake.
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Shawn, it sounds like your Mom is still living in her own house and whomever it taking care of her needs to go to that house. Is that correct?

Your two sisters had agreed to hire a caregiver for during the day, has that been done? That your sisters would take turns staying the night shift? Bet that was an real eye opener for your sisters realizing how much physical care your Mom would need. They probably thought everything would work out peachy-keen and it's not, so they are blaming you thinking that by adding another person into the mix it would save everything. NOT.

I agree with you, your Mom needs to be in a skilled facility where she can continue to get some type of physical therapy while living there... plus she can be around people closer to her own age, hopefully less depressed by making new friends. Not everyone in a skilled facility is elderly, I remember seeing people in their 50's in my Mom's long-term-care facility who were recovering from strokes, and other physical injuries.

Your Mom is quite young being only 61... think about it, if she is continuing at this norm she could hopefully live another 25-30 years. That is a lot of years of caregiving, and all that lifting will ruin everyone's back within a couple of years, then what?

Time for a family meeting, as you and your sisters need to work as a team and be on the same page. If money is an issue, then sell the house and get Mom into a really nice facility, then apply for Medicaid to help pay for her care when her savings run out. I wouldn't try to keep the house, otherwise it would sit vacant for 25-30 years unless Medicaid would allow the family to rent it out as market value and that money goes to Medicaid. But then you and your sisters would need to pay the property taxes, home insurance, and any repairs.
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Think of other ways you can help, if not your mother directly, then your sisters. What can you do for them to make it easier for them to support your mother?

If you really, totally don't want to be involved, no one can force you. But don't gripe if the sisters are treated more favorably in your mother's will or if they're given compensation for helping your mother when she needs so much help.

Some people aren't cut out for direct hands-on caregiving; it sounds like you're that type. Perhaps you can think of other ways to help - such as financial support for your mother or sisters.
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Why should I agree to be a full time care giver when Im already working full time, I have a husband and 3 kids of my own. I do not believe that I should be forced to be a care giver when an easier option was available. Its not like I would be going and hanging out at moms. its going and fixing meals, taking her to the bathroom, helping her get undressed, wiping/ cleaning her when shes finished. Moving her in bed because shes not able to move her self. Praying I dont drop her when I do have to get her out of the bed myself. Praying she doesnt fall just getting her to and from a wheel chair on my own. I am not a skilled nurse but thanks to my sisters I am being forced to act like one. At least in the nursing home Mom would have gotten all the care she needed and I would be able to visit which by the way was often, with out having to worry about anything but visitng mom.
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" I feel the best option was to keep mom in the home so she would be taken care of better" --- but you won't help. The position you take is an oxymoron in itself. Get mom to a nursing home before caregiving makes sister ill. Be fair.
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