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I live in Los Angeles, and my Sister lives in Kentucky. She has her name on his checks - they have "his name or her hame." Because I believe she and her Husband are using my Dad's money as their own, personal piggy-bank, I am very worried. I currently am staying with my Dad in KY, at his house. Tonight she took him somewhere, without consulting me. I had to call around the entire Western KY area, to finally find where she'd taken him. He's been prescribed a sleeping pill, but she won't allow him to take it - she took him to some "quack" in Dixon, who prescribed him Benadryl - which is contra-indicated for the elderly.

What are my rights? Not only do I feel my Sister and her Husband are stealing from my Dad (her Husband just sold his business), but she's making healthcare for my 92 year old Dad, without my input. I love my Dad, and he loves me and he wants me to stay with him, while I'm working in KY for the next month.

My suspicion is that she is trying to make him deemed incompetent to manage his own affairs, and she'll have total control over his life and finances. She's turned into a monster......!! What can I do....?

Thank you - losing sleep in Kentucky.....

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I hear your frustration and concern. It sounds like you care very much for your Dad. I don't know your family dynamics but I do know that what meets the eye is often misjudged by others. When one person is given legal power to call the shots and is not forthcoming with information to the other siblings it can be a recipe for suspicion and hard feelings. Your sister might not have a legal obligation to keep you in the loop but for the sake of harmony I think it would be wise if she did. Having said that people will do as they will and we can't control that.

If you are worried about your Dads health you do have the right to call his primary care physician and let them know your concerns. They can't discuss your Dads health with you but you can tell them your observations.

As for the money... that is a very sticky subject. Your sister may or may not be trying to manipulate your Dad so she can have access to his money. I know this is the last thing you probably want to hear but I would step back from that unless you see your Dad doing without because of money issues. That does not sound like the case right now.

If I were you I would try to enjoy this time with your Dad before you have to go back to LA. My situation is different from yours but we share one thing. I too am baffled and frustrated with my sisters behavior regarding my elderly parents. It sometimes takes everything I have not to get sucked into resentment and even suspicion but I know one thing, when I am able to let things go (as I have been reminded to do :) things are a lot better.
Best of luck to you and your loved ones.
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Your Dad appointed your sister as his POA. If he is dissatisfied he can easily change that appointment. Does he wish to change it?

Sis has his Power of Attorney and she does not need to consult you about her decisions in that realm.

Does she also have Healthcare POA, aka Healthcare Proxy? If so, then she can make decisions about his healthcare without consulting you. If not. then she does not have that authority.

Do you have some concrete evidence that she is stealing from your father? Or just a suspicion that she could be?

Do you think she could trick your father into signing a will he does not approve of? What is his mental status at this time?
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Let me get the facts straight. You live in LA, and are back for a visit. Now after your sister has been taking care of your Dad for years with little help from you; you think you know better what he needs, and she's a thief. You don't say how your Dad is, what medical complications he has, or if he is unhappy with your sister. However you do mention finances every sentence.

Again your sister knows from hard won experience what works for your Dad. Not to be harsh, but why should she consult you? You are neither a doctor nor a nurse.

When a sister dumps all the enormous burden of caregiving on another sister, anger,and resentment build. Now you are throwing accusations of financial malfeasence with very little knowlege and no proof. Your Dad seems satisfied. If you are close to your Dad, ask him about his money.

This is a bad situation. Your sister is not a monster. She is exhausted. While you get to lead your life untouched by your Dad's care, she has carried the burden for years. From what you written, your Dad is happy, clean, and reasonable healthy. That isn't good genes, that is a tireless caregiver doing a good job. If you want to know about the money, ask for an accounting. Talk to your Dad about your concerns, remember, it is your Dad's money to spend anyway he wants. Is money really worth all the hell that will ensue from your accusations? You will be upsetting your Dad, pitting sister against sister. Be careful, if your sister is a thief she will be in jail, and the total responsibility for your father will be yours. Even if placed in a nursing home your life will be taken over by his care. Is it worth it?
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Thanks - it's been o.k., but since I've come back to work for 3 months, I've seen some "fishy" things going on - taking him to doctors, without consulting me. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know more about health-care than she does. She would add her name, so that she can mingle her own finances with his, thus essentially steal from him. I'm worried for him, but also for me and my family. She could have a will being written up, without my knowledge....?

Anxious in Clay, Kentucky.....
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hi losing sleep in Kentucky,

Your sister is his POA and as such can make decisions about his health care on her own. It would be nice if ya'll could communicate, but some families are like this.

I do wonder if she got your dad to make her joint owner with him of that checking account with right of suvirorship or is she just authorized to sign the checks. I don't know why she would add her name on your dad's checks since she can sign them as his POA.

What has your relationship with your sister been like over the years?
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