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I'm not sure what topic I should put this under. I've been posting on here recently about my father who is very confused. I am successor trustee and co-trustee of his living trust, I also have POA for his medical and financial. I called my sister last week to tell her what is happening with him, she came down this weekend and we have been discussing things. She wants a copy of the trust in case something happens to me, but I don't want to show it to her because mainly I don't trust her and I feel she hasn't a right to see if before he dies, I am uncomfortable showing it to her. I don't think that she would try to do anything. She never helped with the care of my mom who had a brain aneurysm in 2000 and passed away in 2007 and she never helped with my father, until now. My father has been making my life hell with his mental decline and we discussed moving him up with her, she lives 7 hours by car, and I thought it was agreed that would happen, but because his health plan can't be transferred, she has decided that the only reason he will be moved out of his home is if it is medically necessary. This is another reason I don't want to show her the trust.

In all of these years she has never told me thank you, she said that she appreciates that I have watched over them, but has never said the words thank you, I don't think it's the same.

Our brother passed away in 2011 and he told my father to let his wife have his accounts that he would get and also that she would do whatever duties regarding the trust that he was going to do, one of them was take over my duties if anything happens to me. I believe that she should have a copy of it but she is in Michigan and going to be moving to North Carolina and she does not like my sister, I know she would never show it to her.

Since I am successor trustee and co-trustee, do I have the right to deny her a copy of the trust? My father has agreed in the past that she is not to see it.

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I know what it takes to prove someone incompetent, I know that he is getting that way.
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Proving that someone is mentally incompetent is harder than just observing behavior - it requires going to court. In the mean time your father can do as he wishes with his own money.
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lindylu,
My brother passed away in 2011. Before he passed away, he told my dad to give his wife his inheritance. My dad was of sound mind at that time. The trust states that if I can’t or don’t want to carry out the responsibilities of the trust, he would do it and that responsibility went to her as that is what he wanted.

My sister has stayed away from the family while I have done everything for my parents. She never once volunteered to help me.

Yes, he does have a fair amount of money. He can’t quality for long-term care, he has more than one condition on their list of conditions you can’t have to quality.

The issue is not with either of them being compensated for my dad’s care, it’s with whether or not I should show my sister the trust. In my last post, I said that my SIL asked for money to help buy a house so that she could be with her family in another state, my dad overheard this and he went off. He had told me, my brother/SIL and my sister before he started having mental decline that the money is there for us whenever we need it and he has helped us out over the years, but then the episode last night. I was commenting that I told my sister his behavior last night, she called SIL for proof it happened, now I fear she is going to try to take over which makes me determined to not show her the trust.

Yes, the trust is there to be used for his care and I will see to it that it is, I am not thinking of protecting my inheritance.

The only person he gave the ok to see the trust while he was of sound mind, was me, and I have to see it as I am successor and co-trustee.

The only thing I am expecting my sister to do is to help with taking care of him as she has never lifted a finger to help him. The last time I was able to go on a vacation was in 2010. Due to the stress I am under from not being able to get a job, my 9 year old cat got cancer last November and for 5 months I nursed her until she passed in March, and now what is happening to my father, if I am not able to get some kind of emotional and physical relief, I am going to get very sick. My stress level is extremely high. I disagree, it is a fair request, I took care of our mom for 9 years and started taking care of our dad last year, she needs to step up and help. Why am I expected to do everything and she gets to come and go as she pleases and put all the burden on me. I am not going to allow her to kick me out of the house when I have been the one doing everything for my parents. When my mom had pneumonia twice in 1 year for about 20 days each time and almost died, my sister never came down to see her. Then when she was in the hospital the last time where she did pass, I told my sister 3 days before she passed that she needed to get down here fast as I knew she wouldn’t make it and she didn’t get there until 4 hours before she passed away. She lives 7 hours away by car, she doesn’t have to fly anywhere. My father fell last year very seriously and could have died, he hit his head and ripped off almost all the skin on the inside of his right arm, she never came down and didn’t call him for 2 weeks to see how he was. I asked her why she never called him, her response was “he always sounds confused”. Do you still think my request is unfair?

The best way to protect my dad’s assets is my being POA, she cannot sign any checks or do anything with his finances, the banks will not let her have access as she is not POA and not authorized by the trust.

Thank you, he should have set up accounts for us to use before he passes. I have already had a caregiver come in once and the only reason I brought her in is to keep him from calling the cops on me when he sees I’m not in the house, he reports me missing. The medication he is on for that is working, the last few days I’ve been running errands and he has not called them. He does all of his routine things fine, he doesn’t need help with those (cooking, yard work, taking medications, shaving). The only one he is draining the life out of is me as I am stuck here.
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Glendalough, maybe it's time to talk to an attorney. I'm getting confused as to what role sis and SIL play, but it sounds like your dad has a fair amount of money and could afford assisted living or long term care, at least for awhile.

Is the issue that your sister or SIL wants to be compensated for your dad's care and there is a conflict over that?

If your dad has a living trust in place, even if you are a trustee, you must use that money for his care and think of that first rather than thinking of the money as your inheritance to protect. If I am wrong about that someone please correct my understanding, but I thought that is the point of a living trust.

It is your responsibility to see that the money is used prudently. You are not obligated to show anyone the trust other than to whom your dad has given the ok when he was of sound mind. However if you are expecting your sister to take over the care of your abusive or absentee dad out of the goodness of her heart, that does not seem like a fair request.

An attorney and financial advisor who specialize in elders might help you three figure out a fair caregiving contract and the best way to protect your dad's assets, so that he can receive the level of care he needs. That might give all of you some peace of mind and might provide transparency while respecting everyone's privacy.

I feel bad for you. It sounds like you are down on your luck right now; your dad should have provided you and your sibling(s) with some security. He sounds like he failed at that. But honestly, it is better for you in the long run if he gets the care he needs without draining the life out of you all.
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He can only make changes to the trust if he is mentally competent, which he is exhibiting that he is not.
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glendalough, Don't get caught up in he said she said. Never accept third party reports as being fully factual. Never loan money from the Trust to anyone. Don't be surprised if Dad has you taken off the Trust after overhearing your conversation. It is HIS money, it has to be HIS decision where it goes.
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Thank you for your responses.

Rainmom -
Yes, it is worth it because I do not trust her and something happened last night that makes me think she will try something. My SIL called last night on my dad's phone, I told her I would call her back on my phone for privacy, I went into the bathroom and locked the door, I explained what is happening with him, she asked for help financially, she told me how much, I repeated it and when I opened the door my dad was standing right outside listening to our entire conversation! He has done this before and it pisses me off and he yelled at me accusing me of loaning out his money that she isn't to have any of it, I yelled at him as he kept accusing me, he finally went into the other room, the whole time my SIL was still on the phone and heard everything, she was shocked. I called my sister and told her what just happened, HUGE MISTAKE!! My sister then calls my SIL to see if I was exaggerating and then she told my SIL that if she moves in, I will have to find a place to live as there wouldn't be enough room! Last weekend when she SUGGESTED moving in, I told her there isn't enough room, she disagreed and now she is saying otherwise? If she moved in here she would try to take over everything. No way is she getting me out of the house, I would be homeless if she did as I have no money. Wow, very heartless and selfish.
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If father wants the Trust kept private, keep it private. It's his money, after all.
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I don't know - is it really worth it? The hard feelings, skirting the issue with white lies etc? I am my mothers DPOA- financial and medical. I am also executor of her will. One of my brothers barely sees my mom three times a year - he is local. The other brother visited twice a month - not even that if he wanted to go to his vacation home, travel etc - for the first five years. Since September he has been a bit more helpful and sees mom once or twice a week. About six weeks ago semi helpful brother asked to read moms will. Although it creeped me out - her still being alive and all - I agreed. I've always been an open book with the DPOA stuff but I mainly agreed to keep the peace. Just to be fair I asked not helpful brother if he wanted come. It all went fine - and I'm cautiously optimistic that with all the cards on the table everyone will be well behaved when mom finally does pass.
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"Oh my goodness where did Dad put that?" Just keep "looking" for it.. I agree with FF
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glendalough, make an excuse, tell your sister that Dad's Attorney has the copies of the legal papers. If she asked for the Attorney's name, make some excuse like you can't remember his/her name but that you will get back to her later.
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