I’m new to this website and I am seeking advice from experienced people. Im a caregiver (homecare aide) for my mother who is aging and not in good condition. She has many health conditions. I currently live with my mom and sister. Whenever I ask my sister for help with my moms care, she makes a big deal and becomes irate. She is in her 30s and I am as well. I work as a home care aide for my mom all while attending college and working another job and my sister plans to move out out of our home. She claims she wants “her own life” but don’t we all? She then says that I “have my own life”, when I really don’t. Most of my life centers around helping my mom. We can’t just throw her in a nursing home either. I do not feel my sister wanting to move is the right thing to do for our family. My family is not the type to sit down together and calmly discuss these things, so that’s why I’m on this forum.
My mom has Medicaid for insurance. We can’t afford to hire someone else to take care of her. I feel that my sister should not move out for the time being and should ideally instead help me with my moms care. It’s too much to hold on one person. Whenever I bring this topic up to her, she becomes angry and refuses to help in any way, she constantly says that I’m her caregiver and that I should help her with doctors appointments and everything else. It’s making me very stressed and physically/emotionally drained. I feel very unhealthy and am neglecting taking care of myself.
What is your advice?
I agree that we really can't suggest where you might go from here without understanding:
how old your mother is
what her main care needs are
what her main physical and/or mental health issues are
how come two daughters in their thirties are still living with her
But essentially, unless your mother is mentally incapacitated, your mother's care is your mother's responsibility to arrange, not yours or your sister's. "Throw her in a home" is not a sensible way to look at it. If your mother is 100% dependent on other people for her activities of daily living, then she needs support available 100% of the time - and that can't depend on two young women with their own lives to lead.
Seems to me having sister around just adds to the problem. She is really no help to you so let her go. One less mouth to feed.
Now Mom, since she is already on Medicaid look into "in home care" thru them. This may give you an aide for at least the time ur working. Call your Office of Aging and see what resources are out there. Meals on wheels could deliver lunch.
When you tell us more about Mom, we may be able to give you more info.
So time for a new plan.
Don't waste time blaming your sister. You are separate people - it's ok you have different opinions. To have separate life plans.
Please put your energy into finding a solution to the problem: Mom needs more carers.
Have you had a needs assessment for your Mom done? There may be low cost services she qualifies for. You never know until you start researching. Sometimes people get into a rut, that only family can do it. That can lead to caregiver burnout, illness & even be fatal.
You can't stop your sister leaving but you can find other helpers.
Accept now that if you continue this way you will be the sole caregiver.
Given your age and your mom's age (you do not give it but I am going to assume that she is not that old and has potentially quite a few years left even with health problems) you might spend the next 10, 15, 20 years caring for your mom.
I suggest that you start looking for a facility that will meet her needs and accept Medicaid.
If she is eligible for Hospice call Hospice and begin in home hospice but talk to the Social Worker and see if they can help find a facility that will accept Medicaid. Often Hospice can get someone win sooner than someone might just because of the fact that the person is on Hospice and the facility anticipates that the Medicaid space will not be occupied for years.
Of course, you want your life back. There is nothing wrong with that and is normal.
Have you checked into finding placement for mom. Most of us need to give the reins to someone else, a facility, at some point. You don't have to be the caregiver. There are Medicaid options. Now is the time to check to see what would be best for mom and of course you.