Sister wants to be paid to have dad live with her. Any advice?

Pet peeve here. How do you know she doesn't need the money. I hate when people assume I have money. And this is from those people who made more than me and my husband made together. Sister is now retired. Her income is not what it was. SS is based on 35 years of steady income. Does she have a pension, one of the lucky ones if she does.

Your Dad receives SS at least. That should be used for his care. Better u set it up as rent than paying her as a caregiver. Anything he needs personally should be paid by him. This is even special food he likes but the rest of the family doesn't eat. Sister should not have any out of pocket expenses. She should total her expenses, taxes, utilities, house insurance ect and split it by the number of people living in the house. Thats Dads share. Now this can be adjusted according to his other needs that he should be paying for. His other kids should pitch in if he needs something he can't afford. Sis is doing the caring. Her future should not be jeopardized because she volunteered to do this.

I am all for a parent paying their way if they have the money. Its not fair that one child does all the work and the others reap the rewards. Taking care of a person with Dementia is not easy. Its like caring for a big toddler. Sis is going to need breaks and support.

Seeing a lawyer and having a contract written up is a good thing if Medicaid is ever needed. Also, he/she will be able to tell you how much out of Dads income should go to his care. Any bills Dad has should be paid out of his checking account. This is the best record you could have. If sister needs reimbursement, a check is written and the receipts saved. If there are any large expenditures, note it on the statement and attach the bill. This way when Medicaid looks back on 5 years of statements you don't have to remember what was put out.

If Dad has a home, sell it. Has to be sold at Market Value. Put the proceeds in the bank for his future care. None of it can be given as gifts. Only can be used for his care. Houses can be an Albatross around the neck.

Why not have all the siblings pitch in? Even if agre doesn't need it. Honestly, it's on her if she feels she should get paid. I work full time and my mother just had a stroke. I will be caring for her but will not have an income and I'm the provider for a family of 4. I have no choice but to find a way to get paid to care for her. But if I was financially set, I would repay the Grace to my mother without pay. She deserves that and more.

I agree she should be paid:

1) non-professional, inexperienced caregivers never understand the full scope (and impact) of what they are signing up for (see topic: Burnout on this forum). It often takes a huge toll on them emotionally, mentally, financially and socially (and unfortunately familialy).

2) unless your dad in independently wealthy, there is a good chance (if his dementia gets to the point of his PoA deciding he needs facility care) then he will most likely need Medicaid to pay for it. The application "look-back" in some states can be as long as 5 years (like in my state) the minimum is 2.5 years. There can be no appearance of "gifting" of money, assets or property. There will need to be a legal written contract between the sister and the dad, just for good measure. This also brings clarity and transparency to the rest of the family. No one in the family should be paying for any of his care-related needs. It will eventually break their bank accounts.

3) I also agree on grounds of his personal dignity and sense of control.

Your sister should read some of the Burnout posts on this forum. These stories are not the exception, they are mostly the rule when well-meaning but idealistic adult children go into the caregiving arrangement. The LO usually declines, and often faster than expected. It's just advisable she (and the family) go into this with all their eyes wide open. Paying for his care will be the least of the issues as his dementia marches on. I wish you all much wisdom and peace in your hearts.

And please make sure that several werks of "respite" where another family member takes dad or where dad goes to a care home for a week or 10 days is built into the plan.

Just to note, no deal saying "you'll get your inheritance when dad dies or dad will leave you the house. Unless the family has generational wealth, there will be nothing left after elder is in a facility at the end, paid for my Medicaid.

Should possibly clarify scope of 'paid' :-
1] shared utilities and services, food and personal needs, transport (fuel), and damage to property are all reasonable 'payments' to expect;
2] being paid for personal attention (time and assistance) is not in the spirit of caring for a family member, yet this is the very high price the caregiver pays indirectly through self sacrifice - worthy of consideration and recognition, and perhaps a little more faith and support from family members?

My FIL is also physically healthy apart from the dementia. But I agree with the others, she should be paid. One idea is to work with her to come up with a sliding scale - start with one amount and increase as his care warrants becomes more time consuming.

When my FIL’s dementia was mild to moderate, it still required cooking, cleaning, handling his bills, doctor appointments, medication, and constant supervision. Now that it’s severe it is a lot more work, supervision, and stress.

If you have never gone through it, you may not realize how much it takes. Read through this board a bit and what people are dealing with, not only physically but emotionally.

Do any of the other siblings want to take care of him without compensation? Have they stepped up?

Doesn't you dad deserve the dignity of paying his own way?

At the very least, your sister is giving up her privacy. If your dad can no longer live alone, he needs some level of supervision, housekeeping and board. Utilities will increase and your sister will be faced with living with someone who wants the house kept warmer than she likes.

Dad's care needs will increase.

Set up a caregiving contract with a lawyer, have taxes taken out and make this all legal so that Medicaid, if needed, doesn't see it as gifting.

This should be an agreement between dad and your sister. Not sure why the other siblings think they should have anything to say about it.

She should be paid. Dad's needs will increase. Does the doc say dad needs care? Look around at memory care, find one and have his level of care assessed. Whether she needs the money or not does not factor into the decision. What about room and board?

There must be a care agreement in place. An elder law attorney can prepare it. Dad would become an employer, all taxes and other withholding is out of her payment and dad pays his portion.

Inheritance lost to cost of care is often the reason that sibs do not agree with paying for care to a sibling. This happened in my case which ended up in court, costing more in attorneys and inheritance. I won, and was paid for two years of care and going forward. Dad's assets are for his care and does not become inheritance until after dad passes.

Do it legally, if you do not, any payment to sis is considered gifting and would impact dad's eligibility for Medicaid should be ever need it.