Sister said she would take mom for 4 days but makes excuses not to help. Any advice?

I'm an only child of an elderly parent with no other family. What is the ER (emergency room?) or the ED? I would love to have a day off... I would do nothing to hurt my mothers feelings, and she is not demented, just very old and tired sometimes confused. I always accompany her everywhere she goes, even into the MRI chamber so she won't be afraid. Is there any respite agency around that could give me some time for myself? My kids are mostly useless with her. My daughter had her overnight 2 times in the past 4 years. My son has had her twice a year for a few days around holidays and this is a big help, but nobody will pony up for any major responsibility.

agree totally with everyone..give sister one month or you will take matters to the ER and so forth.You need respite, a break, it is not fair to let you carry the entire load.Your sister has been "freeloading" for too long.Consult an elder attorney, as stated above you might be in charge of everything as you are in charge of everything anyway.Oh I could relate events that family members would promise to pick mom/dad up for events then call with lame excuses..I mean the excuses were so fake,I really don't know how the family could look in the mirror..anyway take everyone's advice and follow through.Good luck. .

I don't a have any better answers than what the others have already said. Just adding that I'm going through the same thing. And it is frustrating, and angering. (Is that a word?)

My brothers have said, several times, they will help with Dad, while we go on a vacation.
Up till now Dad had been still (sort of) capable of being on his own, so all they needed to do was come visit for a day, sometime during the week. If each of them just came for one day visit, Dad would have had someone with him most of the time. But the help never materializes. Always something "comes up". One time we were gone for five nights. It had been arranged that each one would come once. When we got home, we found that no one had come at all. .....I was not surprised.

So lately I've been just setting up his pill box, and a back up box, and cook several days meals for him. Make sure the senior center shuttle driver knows that Dad will be on his own for a few days and go anyway. Keeping the trips short.

But that is likely over. There is no longer anyone in this city to be a back up emergency call person, and Dad's mental functioning is significantly worse. So I don't know what to do. I've been arguing with him about the respite care idea for several weeks now, but he is completely uncooperative with it. And now we have passed up the "advance notice" time frame that they need, in order to take him.

So here we are, debating whether or not we can go on a vacation that is already, non-refundably paid for. And I have no faith that anyone will come this time either. If I go off, and something happens while we're gone, I'll feel terrible. And who do you think everyone will blame?

This all makes me remember:

I am a retired RN. We used to frequently get patients that we called "holiday dump-off". These were elderly people who's family would essentially drop them off at the ED, and then take off on their weekend, or vacation, or (most frequently) just have their big Christmas party, without all the issues that having a dementia patient around, would entail. When I was young, I thought it was terrible, but now I totally understand.

It seems like you need to be in charge of your mom's affairs if you are in charge of her care and well being. I would consult an elder care attorney about getting put in as POA for your mom. If sis is already trying to steal your mom's condo, it sounds as though you might have a case for elder abuse against her and having yourself made POA. With that in place, you can decide what is best for your mom without the Alpha wolf sister trying to rob your mom and force you to caregive free with no help.

What GladI'mhere said. Tell your sister she's got one month to find placement; if not, you're dropping mom off at the ER. AND MEAN IT. In the meantime, sign mom up for adult day care.

I agree with along term care solution whether its in home care or a nursing facility. I cared for my mom for 15 years with very little help from my siblings. It is very frustrating!!! My mom had a stroke and her care increased immensely and I still cared fir her at home until it became unsafe. I placed her in a nursing home. This was the most difficult decision to make for me, but she is doing well and she is safe. My siblings and I are getting closer now that I am not so stressed and bitter. It does take time to put the past in the past but it is worth to have a relationship with my family again. Good luck to you!! Don't be like me and make time for yourself!!! It is so important.

Consider yourself an only child in your caregiving. Arrange for a live in home health aide to care for your mother while on the trip to AZ. Also get coverage for the time you need to get your eye surgery and recovery. Perhaps just try a live in aide for the next 6 months to see how you can restore your health, mental and physical.
If it runs down your mother's savings, so be it. It is for her care and just keep good records. You have to have some help. You will be able to figure out after some chance to catch up with your family and get your eyes addressed --exactly where you stand and how mom is doing.

Don't let your sister dictate the tune. She is going to remain useless. Ask her to kick in some money for mom's care--she will not but it will shut her up for awhile.
Keeping your mom with care in your home while you go to AZ is best for her. She isn't in shape for a long trip to the sister's home anyway. She should have offered to come and care for mom in your home. She isn't putting her mom's needs ahead of her own. You have and you deserve and will be a better caregiver with a clear head from a respite from the daily grind of caregiving.

Sorry for your sister, but you need to focus on what's best from you, your mom and your family. Get your mother some home health coverage and go to AZ as planned. :)

Don't spin you wheels over things that you have no control over. Move on & find other means of support & help & get to AZ-it's great here. SMILE... from the sunshine, I so need to be ok.

Ditto to what gladimhere said. Your sister wants it all her way with you holding the bag. I would tell you to check into respite at a nursing home for the time you are in AZ,(you pay by the day) but your sister is POA and probably wouldn't come up off of mom's money to pay for it. You can't make your sister be someone she isn't. Seriously, give your sis one month to make other arrangements for mom. She will back peddle and make one excuse after the other, but hold your ground. She might be the alpha, but you're adults now and you don't have to put up with this. Calling an ambulance after the next fall is an excellent idea. She needs to be checked out, and this will also make you Dr. aware as he will be notified. After hearing these two posts, if you are still missingout, it's not your sister's fault. Come on. You can do this.

I hear you loud and clear. I have been dealing with promises from siblings for a long time. I think they have good intentions but they don't follow through. I have just received a recent 'promise to help' and I have just learned to take it with a grain of salt.

If you have had it, and it sounds like you have it is time to place Mom. Tell sis she has one month to find placement. If it is not done take Mom to ER, or call ambulance for her following next fall. Tell them you do not have POA and will not and cannot care for her any longer because of her increasing needs and for them to get in touch with sis to figure out what to do.