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Cared for mom in FL for 7 yrs /6 mo/yr+this summer (Sister-5 summers) I want 2 wks to with kids in AZ. Makes excuses, won't help. Not fair. mom with our son for pickup. Excuse- decided to buy a car Where did that come from? And she left for meeting with her friend at her cottage. This is typical and usual according to mom. She tried to dump mom on our son. I told her I wanted to see my family in AZ for two weeks plus I might need cataract surgery. Got a call-sure, will take mom for whole month of Oct. Shortly after called to say no, "her husband had fishing trip with friends and wives". (For whole month, I doubt it!) I gave her four months notice. I can't go in winter and I can't go in summer. She didn't ASK about my keeping mom all the time, she demanded it. I skipped going to visit my son's family already once this summer. My husband has to go alone while I stay back with mom. There's much more. Mom and I are arguing because she ALWAYS side with sis. Sis is executris and has power of Attorney. I have to have permission for things that effect me and I don't like it. Sis is an Alpha wolf, irresponsible with money and tried to get mom's condo in her name with mom's. I've had it. I've been called a liar, demeaned, and bullied. To complicate everything, mom's health is going bad. She has pneumonia, is incontinent, fell and has hurt herself. We have been transporting her to Sis doctor many miles away. Can we do anything to resolve this? We want to see a lawyer about what I have to do if she demands it. Can we make her do anything? I've had it! She kept insisting I solve the problem of caring for mom in October, I think she should solve the problem. Any ideas of how I can require her to be more responsible, legal or otherwise?

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If you have had it, and it sounds like you have it is time to place Mom. Tell sis she has one month to find placement. If it is not done take Mom to ER, or call ambulance for her following next fall. Tell them you do not have POA and will not and cannot care for her any longer because of her increasing needs and for them to get in touch with sis to figure out what to do.
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Ditto to what gladimhere said. Your sister wants it all her way with you holding the bag. I would tell you to check into respite at a nursing home for the time you are in AZ,(you pay by the day) but your sister is POA and probably wouldn't come up off of mom's money to pay for it. You can't make your sister be someone she isn't. Seriously, give your sis one month to make other arrangements for mom. She will back peddle and make one excuse after the other, but hold your ground. She might be the alpha, but you're adults now and you don't have to put up with this. Calling an ambulance after the next fall is an excellent idea. She needs to be checked out, and this will also make you Dr. aware as he will be notified. After hearing these two posts, if you are still missingout, it's not your sister's fault. Come on. You can do this.
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I agree with along term care solution whether its in home care or a nursing facility. I cared for my mom for 15 years with very little help from my siblings. It is very frustrating!!! My mom had a stroke and her care increased immensely and I still cared fir her at home until it became unsafe. I placed her in a nursing home. This was the most difficult decision to make for me, but she is doing well and she is safe. My siblings and I are getting closer now that I am not so stressed and bitter. It does take time to put the past in the past but it is worth to have a relationship with my family again. Good luck to you!! Don't be like me and make time for yourself!!! It is so important.
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It seems like you need to be in charge of your mom's affairs if you are in charge of her care and well being. I would consult an elder care attorney about getting put in as POA for your mom. If sis is already trying to steal your mom's condo, it sounds as though you might have a case for elder abuse against her and having yourself made POA. With that in place, you can decide what is best for your mom without the Alpha wolf sister trying to rob your mom and force you to caregive free with no help.
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This post got my blood pressure going! First off your sister has no business being POA. You care for her. I agree with Glad, tel your sister to make arrangements by a certain date and tell her it's her turn. She gas POA and the doctor is closer to her. If she wants to make all the decisions then she should have the person who the decisions are being made for. Good luck, be strong and stand your ground.
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First of all, POA gives your sister NO authority over you. None. She cannot say that you have to take care of Mom. You are free to make your own decisions. You may not be able to determine that Mom goes to a nursing home, because someone has to pay for that, and the POA does have authority over the money. But you can certainly say, "I am no longer able to care for Mom in my home."

Do see a lawyer who specializes in Elder Law. If Mom is willing to have you as POA that is an easy change. Then you can use her money for her care, and arrange respite care for that month. But it sounds like Mom may not permit that. In that case the lawyer can help you understand exactly what your options are.

Your sister is in charge of mother's money, but you are in charge of your own decisions. See a lawyer to put your caregiving on firmer ground.
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My husband I were caregivers for his mother for 7 years, 4 of them in our home with me as primary caregiver. We had major crises to deal with over the Christmas holiday 3 different years. My sisters-in-law were spending their holidays skiing out West. The last Christmas my mother-in-law was alive, my husband called his sister about taking Mom for the holiday. He was prepared for her response: “I cannot take her. We will have my grandson and 3 dogs in the house.” My husband replied, “We will have 7 grandchildren and 1 dog at ours. This is not negotiable.” People can only take advantage of you if you let them.
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hire a service to come in 24 /7 for those two weeks or some Facilities will take them for intermittent care while you are out of town. if she has to pay out of moms money then maybe she will change her tune. you can say to her these are my plans now you need to find out where she can go so I can see my family And I'm definitely entitled to do so. I give enough of my time and i need a break.Good luck and stick to your guns with an ultimatum or it will keep happening
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From personal experience and contrary to things I've read regarding caregiving. Sources say to turn to your friends and family first. I beg to differ. I say turn to all available local agencies that you can for respite daycare, supplies at little or no cost, (based on household income),every and all social service agencies. Assistance from agencies for the low income might offer some direction. Don't leave out local churches and other agencies that assist the low income for direction and help. I would put friends before family. It's amazing how family can distance themselves from the issue and you. The excuses are all across the board.
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What GladI'mhere said. Tell your sister she's got one month to find placement; if not, you're dropping mom off at the ER. AND MEAN IT. In the meantime, sign mom up for adult day care.
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