Follow
Share

Sister is not forthcoming with any details, but is now urgently telling the family, she "can't do this any more and Mom is out of money." Mom flooded the house and caused 20k to 30k in damages. Insurance paid 4 k. Siblings found out about the flood 3 weeks after it happened. Mom can't get in and out of other CG vehicles as they are too tall, no Sunday drives. Meals are brought to her and she eats alone. Mom is frail and pleasantly demented. Incontinent 50% of the time (pullups). The Senior Center is closed due to Covid-19. The younger siblings who also take care of Mom haven't been paid, have more responsibilities and are exhausted. Sister is close to 80 years old herself and her husband has Parkinson's and her eldest son has autism. The perfect trifecta of a storm. I'm leaning towards bringing litigation to force Sister to place Mom (and to pay CGs and NH placement. ) Suggestions?

Find Care & Housing
Litigation will not work, will cause more dissention and will be enormously costly. If your Sister is the POA or Guardian for her Mom, as well as caring for her in the home, there would be no way to convince a court she cannot do this; a huge fight could result in the state taking guardianship, which would lead to no one having any say about Mom's placement or her finances.
I think, until your sister is willing to put Mom in care there is little that you can do. She knows the choices. Continue in caring or stop.The family is killing themselves in enabling this situation by being there for her.
A poster recently told us that being a caregiver can kill you, and told us of her own illness and its costs. This isn't unusual.
I am so very very sorry. You simply cannot change the choices of other people. Constantly fighting her pushes her into her corner. Next time she tells you "I cannot do this anymore" tell her that when she is ready to consider change you will all call the family together to hash out what the options are. You must feel utterly helpless, but trust me, sinking 1,000s of dollars and escalating this situation is unlikely to help.
Helpful Answer (16)
Reply to AlvaDeer
Report

Listen siblings: one person cannot do it all!! Get your backsides there & help the one who got stuck with this awful burden! I speak from experience: ALL of a parent’s children need to pitch in.
Helpful Answer (15)
Reply to annemculver
Report
LittleOrchid Nov 11, 2020
I must disagree with several of your assumptions. First the one who is "stuck" has apparently made all the decisions, which means she is only as "stuck" as she chooses. Second, nobody must contribute in any way simply because a sib told them to do so. We each must make our own decisions about what we can do to assist in caring for a LO. Third, not everyone is in a position financially or physically to care for another. Your inference that anyone who says "I cannot do this" is lazy is just plain wrong. The sibs ARE trying to help but their age is against them. Trust me, I know. My sisters and I are in our 60's and 70's trying to care for our 96 YO mother. Even with 4 of us (one can only make phone calls, so only 3 actually see Mom) it was too much even before the pandemic. You are right that 1 person cannot do it all, but if that 1 person refuses to allow others to cooperate in working out a solution then the others have no choice but to wait for her to change her mind and meet them in middle ground.
(2)
Report
I would just call Adult Protective Services and let them do their job.
Helpful Answer (14)
Reply to BarbBrooklyn
Report
Sarah3 Nov 10, 2020
For what? She said she is in her own home, has all her meals provided and is somewhat frail or tired—- considering she’s 100 yrs old (!) most people would think she’s doing pretty damm good - if a person makes it to 100 they are considered damm lucky if all that’s wrong is feeling tired and having some dementia
(1)
Report
Tell your sister in a non threatening manner first that you think mom needs a social worker to help out. Hopefully she'll be agreeable, but even if not, your next step is to contact APS and report a vulnerable adult.
Helpful Answer (12)
Reply to mstrbill
Report

If sister says she can't do it anymore, then explain that the alternative is placement. Please make it very clear that you are not going to take on the burden. Also, that it is time, for safety reasons, to find placement. Simply, the time has come (long since) to deal with this living arrangement rationally and to make the necessary changes.
Helpful Answer (10)
Reply to rovana
Report

If Mom is out of money, what litigation is going to force your sister to place her and pay for it?

Give your sister a break, for heaven's sake. With all that on her plate can you seriously blame her for finding it hard to think straight?

So, your sister has stated that she can't do this any more. What would your sister like to happen next? Is anybody in touch with your mother's local social services, including but not limited to Area Agency on Aging or, if necessary, APS?
Helpful Answer (9)
Reply to Countrymouse
Report

Most of the things you are concerned about were be very much the same if your mother was in an assisted living or nursing home situation. You don't mention any actual unsafe situations, only things that many people are dealing with due to Covid. In my father's assisted living they have had only a limited period where the communal dining room was open and being used. Most of the time since mid-February meals have been delivered to resident's rooms and they eat alone. If a resident leaves the facility for any reason, including medical appointments, they must quarantine (not leave the room, special precautions by staff, etc) for two full weeks. Now, it is a more supervised environment so your mom wouldn't be able to flood the place but it actually seems that aside from that incident not much would be improved by trying to wrestle your mother into a nursing home. Your sister needs to be more specific as to what "she can't do this anymore" actually means and give specific ideas on what help she needs. Then you can work to figure out how to provide her that help but I don't think that your can litigate your way to a different situation.
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to jkm999
Report
NanaZ2018 Nov 10, 2020
My Mom's nursing home has activities and therapies going on, even though they r quarentined in their rooms. My Mom loves the constant flow of people that come in and out all day. 3 hot meals and special snacks and " coffee breaks" throughout the day, knowing she is clean and showered and has clean clothes and a nice clean comfy bed is such a blessing. A nursing home, even in isolation times, may be the best option!
(5)
Report
See 1 more reply
The Covid restrictions must have made this situation so much harder. I think many that would have called time on unsustainable situations have been forced to just cary on.

Unfortunately this family seem to have paddled their canoe up the creek. They are now calling out for help, but still paddling in the same direction. OP is not on the boat & cannot steer. In fact, they ignored all directions the OP gave.

The main caregiver sister will need to put down her oars. Get some sort of emergency respite care for Mother while she figures it out.

One temporary pathway I see is if Sister or Mother falls or is ill in any way, the other family members call EMS - instead of rushing over to pick up those oars.
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to Beatty
Report
OneBlueMoon Nov 10, 2020
What's EMS?
(0)
Report
See 1 more reply
Is there a reason you can't visit there yourself to assess the situation and to sit down with your poor sister. Caring for someone with Parkinson's is a load in itself and caring for a grown man with autism is another job. Plus she's caring for your mom. It's way too much for one person. Your sister may not be forthcoming with details because she is so overburdened that she can't even express what's wrong. What may seem pleasantly demented to you is an incredible burden to the person who is responsible for caring for her. Get there and lend a hand.
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to Tynagh
Report
Sarah3 Nov 10, 2020
agreed, and shocked that a lot more people didn’t respond likewise to address the elephant in the room - sibling complains and wants to file litigation against her sister who at 80 is not only taking care of their mom but also a son and spouse yet the op doesn’t explain where on earth she and the other siblings are to help
(0)
Report
Sister lives with mother in mother’s house, together with sister’s husband with Parkinsons and eldest son (aged 50+?) with autism. Is that right? If mother’s house is sold to pay for placement, does sister and family have anywhere to go? Could that be why she is so resistant? If mother has no cash, would Medicaid evict sister who has been caring for so long? If not, does sister know that her home is safe? Lack of information could be underneath some of this.
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to MargaretMcKen
Report
MargaretMcKen Nov 10, 2020
Whoops, I've just seen that mother 'lives by herself'! Sorry to waste your time.
(2)
Report
See 1 more reply
See All Answers
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter