My sister has refused to place our mom in a home. How do we proceed?

What do your mother's doctors call it?

Persons with dementia beyond the very earliest stages should simply not live alone. They need either around-the-clock caregivers in their home, or to live in a facility that has three shifts of trained workers.

What authority does your sister have? Is she POA? Does she have Healthcare Proxy (Medical POA)? Why does she get to make the decisions?

Relatives who come to town for just a weekend cannot possibly assess the needs. If mom is still able to prepare her meals, let her dog in and out and get to the toilet independently, dress appropriately, and take her meds, I say let her be. Get more involved with her care; stay there a full week before you say any more.

Actually, I like Pam's answer better than mine. :) Or combine them. Stay a week with your mother, talk to her doctor, try to determine objectively what her impairments are and whether she has dementia.

Gosh, at 94 years old your Mom must be pretty lonely, even with the dog around. Too bad your sister doesn't want Mom to be among people of Mom's generation to talk to, and have meals with. That would be so wonderful.

But that can be costly, and maybe Mom cannot afford the monthly cost, even if she sold her apartment [unless she is renting] or maybe Mom is refusing to leave home, and your sister is using tough love to help make Mom change her mind. Or the Assisting Living won't take the dog [many AL do allow small pets], and Mom won't leave behind he dog.

That is why, as you know it is so important to work as a team for Mom's best interest. Your sister needs to get with the program. Jeannegibbs, above, had an excellent suggestion, take a week and stay with your Mom to see what is actually going on. Maybe Mom does have dementia, but is able to act normal around company [it's called showboating].... elders can also do this showboating in the doctor's office. Mom could do this around your sister, too.

Thank you for all the kind responses. I HAVE had her in my home for a couple of weeks one year ago,( after two shitplosions in gas stations that required wardrobe changes... ) on a six hour road trip to my house... she had a couple of falls, but seemed to do OK as long as we constantly attended her every need. It was at that time that I started looking for homes that could take her and her dog. She does not "showboat"... she is vacant and disconnected with everyone... she could care less about darling grand/great-grandchildren... and asks who these people are? Now, she is not bathing and keeping herself up at all...she smells bad. I go up and help clean her apartment and arrange clothes like Garanimals for kids, matching everything and hanging clean undies on with clothes for several days...she will not do anything.We also worry about the dog's welfare.

Janerides,
Oh my....it sounds like she is really in need of help and that she's not able to care for a dog. Sounds like she's progressing with incontinence too. The trouble with leaving things for her to use like clean clothes, is that she may not be able to process thoughts that are required for it to work. And the initiative to do things is lost, so they may not think about changing clothes, eating, etc. even with reminders. Who's cleaning up after he now? It doesn't sound like she would be able to do laundry.

I found my loved one in a similar situation. She was saying that she eaten, bathed, changed clothes, cared for cat, but, when I actually got there, I saw that it wasn't happening. She was too far progressed to have the ability to take care of herself. She had plenty of spoiled food in the fridge, but didn't have the initiative to even open the door.

I'd discuss plans with sister ASAP, treating it as an emergency, and get mom to a safe place where she can be cared for. Just leaving it alone, wouldn't be an option for me.

janerides, wow! No wonder you want to see her in a care center! Why does your sister resist this idea? Is she in denial? Is she worried about the cost? Does she have belligerent feelings toward your mother? Just what is going on?

Have you ever talked to your mother's doctor? Could you arrange to do that? Share the list of risky behaviors you have observed. Ideally if mother hasn't seen the doc lately you take her in for check up.

Is there some friend of the family that your sister would consider more objective than you are, who could/would speak up for your mother?

I agree with Sunnygirl, this constitutes an emergency.

NO more road trips. Yes, we quit taking Ma to visit relatives when she threatened to get out of the car at the US Border. "They will shoot you" I told her. Get your mom a bath aide once a week. For some reason oldsters who refuse to let you bathe them, go meekly for an aide in a uniform. On a different day, schedule a housekeeper. If she objects, too bad, so sad, it's either that or a facility. Be honest, calm and firm.