I have POA of my mother's Healthcare & Financials and I believe I could probably do this but I would not want to. I think we all need to at least see our parents before they pass away even in a debilitated state, so if nothing else, we can say goodbye.
There must have been a horrible falling out between you and your sibling to cause them to take this action. It sounds like there needs to be some "mending of fences" between you. I would do it now before your parent passes away.
akdaughter, thanks, but the reason I know all this is because I was the only caregiver, financial supporter, etc. for my Mom for 25 years, the last 10 she lived with me, my husband and our newborn son. My brother, mowed her yard while she was living at home, nothing else. Once Mom moved in with me, he took her out for lunch ONCE. That is the only financial, physical or any other assistance she or I ever got from him. I never asked him not to visit, or banned him from anything. I always called and told him when Mom went into the hospital, asked him to help me with her final plans (she wanted them done ahead of time so she could approve from her hospital bed). Nothing, he just took time off from work when he died but didn't bother to attend her funeral or burial. But, he sure contacted a lawyer about Mom's will. But, since she didn't leave an estate, it was used up to pay for her Nursing Home stay of six months along with paying off what few expenses SHE had (nothing to pay for MY expenses), he was shocked to learn he didn't get squat. I bought Mom's house to keep it in the family and used the mortgage to pay off her expenses to Medicaid, etc. So, I learned the hard way. Sad thing is, my brother doesn't speak to me because I "let" Medicaid take her estate and he was counting on the inheritance.
I know it gets harsh; but if truly at end of life and hospice is in agreement; then short visit COULD be okay. If the sibling is going to come in and upset mom or for that matter upset and stress out the primary caregiver by asking a bunch of questions, making demands, etc.; especially if you have had little to no contact in months; then they should think better of it and let it go.
Try to work it out with your sister first; if you just can't reason or compromise then listen to unikornfairy and follow her advise.
Wow, unikornfairy, your essay should be required reading for all the uninvolved siblings out there. Of course, they are unlikely to visit this site because they have walked away from the entire caregiving situation and are living free of any of the burdens. My mother (in AL) still has the funds (for a while at least) to pay for her tissues, soap, shampoo, toothpaste, Depends, crossword puzzle books, etc., but I still have to spend the time and gas to shop for and deliver all these things, and to do her laundry. My brother can't be bothered to pick up the phone to call her or to drop a birthday or Mother's Day card in the mail.
I'm not saying that this is the case with this questioner, but if so, the sister with POA may have good reason for her actions. If my brother were to show up now after all these years, I think it would be very upsetting to my mother who suffers from dementia.
Why is she keeping you out? Did you have a falling out with your mom or your sister or both? Or is she being greedy and nasty? If she tells hospice that you are potentially upsetting to your mom, then most definitely they will not let you in. If not, you may have to go to court and get visitation. But if she's catatonic or comatose then I agree you should wait for the funeral because when they are like that they don't even know you're there, I know this from experience as they are in their own happy place.
First of all, let me say I am so sorry about your situation. No one, unless they're abusive, should ever be kept from a loved one, especially their Mom or Dad.
First things first, you need to see the copy of the POA's (yes, she should have both medical and financial and they are two separate documents and if there is a Trust involved, you need a copy of that as well). Second, you need your sister to provide medical information to you so you know what is happening to your Mom. If your sister won't provide them, have you thought of contacting the police and asking them to check on your Mom's health and living condition? Be upfront and honest with the police, mention the POA, but be sure they understand you just want to know that your Mom is alive and getting the proper care. They might balk once they learn she has the POA, but tell them you don't know for a fact she has either, medical or financial, because she has failed to produce the documents. Remember, all you are asking the police to do is be sure your Mom is cared for properly. Have you seen a lawyer? I know they are expensive, but not seeing your Mom is far more costly to your future health and well-being than what a lawyer will charge (and some will set up payment plans.) Have you contacted her doctor's office or the nursing home (if she was in one) to relay your concerns to them? They may be unaware your Mom has other family members if your sister is the only one they've seen or heard from. You might be surprised to learn they know nothing of a POA or a restriction against you visiting. If that's the case, either one of their office managers can contact the Hospice Care on your behalf once you provide proof you are her daughter.
Now, to shift gears. I know I'm playing Devil's Advocate here, but a lot of times, just understanding what has led up to this situation can help diffuse it. And if your Mom's in Hospice Care, time is of the essence so you get to see her before it's too late. So you need to get pro-active NOW.
So, the best way to diffuse the situation is to understand what lead up to it. You didn't state how long your Mom has been "kept" from you. Is this a recent occurrence or happening for a long time?
Has your Mom been sick for a long time? If yes, who was caring for her during all this time? Was it a shared burden between the two of you? Was she staying at home, with your sister, or were the two of you taking turns providing care? Has your Mom been going downhill when you visit or come by to attend to her care, such as being sure she's eaten, bathed and taken her medicines on time? What has her doctor been saying about her condition when you take her to office visits or if she's in a nursing home, what has the doctor told you when you asked? Was your Mom taking herself or was your sister taking her? If your Mom's been in a nursing home, what have the nurses and other staff been saying when you came by to visit your Mom? How has your Mom's mind and health been, when did it change? Have you been pro-active with your Mom's doctor and/or nursing home care? If so, they know you, and might be able to help you should you decide to contact a lawyer.
If you live far away, and can't/couldn't drop by, have you tried to keep the lines of communication open with your sister? Other siblings? Have you contributed financially towards your Mom's daily care expenses? If your sister was handling the day to day care by herself, then she was responsible for seeing your Mom was fed, bathed, took her medicine, went to the doctor, went to the grocery store and pharmacy, etc. Your sister was also the only one dealing with the emotional stress and physical drain of caring for not one, but two households, her's and your Mom's. If your Mom's been in a nursing home, don't assume Medicaid/Medicare/Personal Insurance is/was covering all your Mom's expenses, they don't. Some medicines aren't covered, bandages sometimes aren't covered, and certain treatments don't fall within the covered criteria. Don't forget, shampoo, deodorant, perfume and soap aren't provided, she still has to have clothes that some facilities will wash for a fee while others have a family member wash and return them. If she has a TV in her room, someone had to either buy it for your Mom or haul it over there for her. They also had to provide cable service because most nursing homes don't get reception on antennas so TV is worthless without expensive cable fees. Same goes for a phone if your Mom has one in her room. All these things get very expensive over time. Don't forget gas costs to get to and from the facility several times a day. Some patients need help bathing and eating, but insurance doesn't always cover these needs either, unless the patient is a total invalid, so a family member has to go by and help with bathing and at all three meals to be sure the patient is getting fed properly. And everyone knows that patients who have family members who drop by all the time at different times of the day are better cared for. Sad, but true. So, if you couldn't do half of these daily chores of love, did you at least send money for gas, detergent, shampoo, soap, etc.? In other words, if you weren't there for the day-to-day and your sister endured all this on her own, she may be doing this to "get even" with you. She may also fear you are trying to see your Mom now so you can swoop in and take what financial resources are left to your Mom. If your Mom didn't have good Long-Term Insurance, and is on Medicaid, the burden of selling your Mom's house and belongings to repay Medicaid will also fall on your sister. So, if there's a little left over after all this, your sister may feel she deserves it all. (And frankly, if you didn't provide all the above help, she does.)
I am not trying to sound harsh here, but these may be the unspoken underlying issues that if addressed, could quickly change the perspective of your sister. If she feels she has carried the burden for all your Mom's care, she may fear you are coming in now at the last minute, just for monetary gains, or to claim how much you've done for her. If your sister has shared the brunt of the burden, financially, physically and emotionally, while you are in another town, too far away, or were just too busy to handle the stresses and drains of the day-to-day (and believe me, they are astronomical) you need to be open and honest with your sister about this NOW. Try to explain to your sister that since she handled the brunt of the burden, you realize she is entitled to the "brunt of the estate", if there even is one left. (If there's not, ask your sister for a financial statement showing all her expenses and offer to reimburse her half and then DO IT!) Nursing Homes and Hospice eat up an estate quickly, and your sister may even be out a great deal of money from her own pocket. If she feels this way, that might be why she's refusing to let you see your Mom. If, however, you have both shared in the burden, fairly and equitably, then there a different harsh reality you need to get to the bottom of.
One thing, how did your sister get the POA in the first place. That should have been worked out between the two of you when your Mom first needed someone to step in, and it should have been handled together in the lawyer's office so each of you knew exactly what was expected of both of you. If that didn't happen, how did your sister convince your Mom, her doctor(s) and a lawyer to give it to her and her alone?
Be very careful about "just showing up" at the hospice. If your sister indeed does have POA and has "warned" the hospice workers then you could actually have the police called on you. So, if they ask you to leave, do so immediately. I am so sorry you are going through this. Far too many siblings are going through this now, and unfortunately, it looks like it's time for laws to be drawn up to protect parents and children from a) one family member being stuck with the burden alone, b) a sibling being able to cut out all other family members from seeing the parents, c) a way for all siblings to be required to pay their fair share for the upkeep and healthcare of their parents and d) something to be sure the elderly patient is cared for properly and not being used for financial gain or abused.
If you feel your sister is only doing this because she's "after the estate" and is separating you from your Mom so your Mom can't stop the injustice, then this is even more critical that you get to see your Mom. So, ask yourself these questions, 1) How long has it been since anyone besides your sister has seen your Mom? In other words, who besides your sister can attest to your Mom's condition and how your Mom came to be in that situation. (I know of a similar case where the sibling simply got tired of waiting for her father to die and poisoned him so she could inherit the money rather than having it spent on her father's care.) 2) How long has it been since your Mom was seen by her family doctor? Was she in hospital or nursing home before going into hospice care? In other words, who signed the orders for her to be placed in Hospice Care? For what disease / diagnosis? Have you tried to speak to her family doctor? He won't be able to give you the details of your Mom's medical history, but if you voice your concerns, he might become more concerned about your Mom's care. 3) Has your Mom been treated for dementia or other mental disorder that prevents her from making her own decisions? In other words, why does your sister have POA? Were you included in this decision? Did your sister do this behind your back? You don't mention if you have other siblings, if you do, were any of them involved? You say you've made several attempts, but don't mention what they were, so it makes it hard for anyone to offer suggestions or avenues to follow.
I pray you and your sister can settle your problems before your Mom dies. You deserve to see her, even if you "weren't there for her" per your sister. The thing is, YOUR MOM deserves for ALL her children to be with her when she's dying and your sister needs to understand that. Your sister's issues with you are just that, her issues. The will, and financial distribution, can be fought out between you two after your Mom passes. Good luck to you and may GOD bless your family. I pray your Mom does not suffer.
this is messed up not being able to see your mother I am in a similar situation my sister and I have not been able to see my mother due to a greedy younger sister who has taken over my mother, changed her poa and medical poa had her will changed so she gets everything. We have tried many avenues but have gotten nowhere my mother cries to see us but nobody listens. How can the legal system do this in Canada. what is wrong with this system??? If u don't have tons of money to fight this u r stuck!!!! What ever happened to elder abuse?? The sad part is there r a lot of greedy family members doing this!! Canada needs to step up to the plate and change things!!!!
Check with your county of records. POA are, in most states, required to be filed in the county in which they were drawn. Using the FOIA, you will -should- be able to either see or request a copy. The document will show what powers have been issued.
As one who has lived this situation, yes, a sibling(s) can prevent you from seeing your mother, but I would first contact a judge in family court to see about visitation. Also, how many hospices are there in your town? They will be prevented from telling you if your mother is there due to privacy laws, but show up and maybe a staff member won't know you have been prevented from seeing your mother. In any event, being in hospice is due to a terminal illness, and if you do not want to see your mother in her last days in perhaps an unresponsive state, you can go to the funeral. When one dies, any POA will cease to exist. If you and your sister cannot mend your difficulties, you may not get to see your mother. Be kind to your sister and see what happens. As I said, I've been there, and I still don't speak with my three sisters over their treatment of me regarding our mother. Best wishes!
Speaking from experience, you need to see a copy of the Trust documents as well as the POA's. There are different types of POA's. Has sister taken trustee position? What are the requirements of the trust for her to do that? Does she have required documentation in place? There are so many questions, that you should be asking yourself and getting answers. Have there been records kept on the trust? They are normally required and you are entitled to that information regularly. Certainly, the recent expenses paid for mom's care would be in the records and from that you should be able to determine where she is. You should see an elder care attorney, most will do a free, no obligation, review with you.
There are lots of different kinds of PoAs but, as per a lawyer answering that question on this forum some time ago, none can do that. But that's actually a separate question from, what the heck is going on that your sibling is trying to keep you from your mother? Anyway depending on how big your town is, with the internet and all you can probably track down your mother with not too much trouble.
There must have been a horrible falling out between you and your sibling to cause them to take this action. It sounds like there needs to be some "mending of fences" between you. I would do it now before your parent passes away.
Try to work it out with your sister first; if you just can't reason or compromise then listen to unikornfairy and follow her advise.
I'm not saying that this is the case with this questioner, but if so, the sister with POA may have good reason for her actions. If my brother were to show up now after all these years, I think it would be very upsetting to my mother who suffers from dementia.
First things first, you need to see the copy of the POA's (yes, she should have both medical and financial and they are two separate documents and if there is a Trust involved, you need a copy of that as well). Second, you need your sister to provide medical information to you so you know what is happening to your Mom. If your sister won't provide them, have you thought of contacting the police and asking them to check on your Mom's health and living condition? Be upfront and honest with the police, mention the POA, but be sure they understand you just want to know that your Mom is alive and getting the proper care. They might balk once they learn she has the POA, but tell them you don't know for a fact she has either, medical or financial, because she has failed to produce the documents. Remember, all you are asking the police to do is be sure your Mom is cared for properly. Have you seen a lawyer? I know they are expensive, but not seeing your Mom is far more costly to your future health and well-being than what a lawyer will charge (and some will set up payment plans.) Have you contacted her doctor's office or the nursing home (if she was in one) to relay your concerns to them? They may be unaware your Mom has other family members if your sister is the only one they've seen or heard from. You might be surprised to learn they know nothing of a POA or a restriction against you visiting. If that's the case, either one of their office managers can contact the Hospice Care on your behalf once you provide proof you are her daughter.
Now, to shift gears. I know I'm playing Devil's Advocate here, but a lot of times, just understanding what has led up to this situation can help diffuse it. And if your Mom's in Hospice Care, time is of the essence so you get to see her before it's too late. So you need to get pro-active NOW.
So, the best way to diffuse the situation is to understand what lead up to it. You didn't state how long your Mom has been "kept" from you. Is this a recent occurrence or happening for a long time?
Has your Mom been sick for a long time? If yes, who was caring for her during all this time? Was it a shared burden between the two of you? Was she staying at home, with your sister, or were the two of you taking turns providing care? Has your Mom been going downhill when you visit or come by to attend to her care, such as being sure she's eaten, bathed and taken her medicines on time? What has her doctor been saying about her condition when you take her to office visits or if she's in a nursing home, what has the doctor told you when you asked? Was your Mom taking herself or was your sister taking her? If your Mom's been in a nursing home, what have the nurses and other staff been saying when you came by to visit your Mom? How has your Mom's mind and health been, when did it change? Have you been pro-active with your Mom's doctor and/or nursing home care? If so, they know you, and might be able to help you should you decide to contact a lawyer.
If you live far away, and can't/couldn't drop by, have you tried to keep the lines of communication open with your sister? Other siblings? Have you contributed financially towards your Mom's daily care expenses? If your sister was handling the day to day care by herself, then she was responsible for seeing your Mom was fed, bathed, took her medicine, went to the doctor, went to the grocery store and pharmacy, etc. Your sister was also the only one dealing with the emotional stress and physical drain of caring for not one, but two households, her's and your Mom's. If your Mom's been in a nursing home, don't assume Medicaid/Medicare/Personal Insurance is/was covering all your Mom's expenses, they don't. Some medicines aren't covered, bandages sometimes aren't covered, and certain treatments don't fall within the covered criteria. Don't forget, shampoo, deodorant, perfume and soap aren't provided, she still has to have clothes that some facilities will wash for a fee while others have a family member wash and return them. If she has a TV in her room, someone had to either buy it for your Mom or haul it over there for her. They also had to provide cable service because most nursing homes don't get reception on antennas so TV is worthless without expensive cable fees. Same goes for a phone if your Mom has one in her room. All these things get very expensive over time. Don't forget gas costs to get to and from the facility several times a day. Some patients need help bathing and eating, but insurance doesn't always cover these needs either, unless the patient is a total invalid, so a family member has to go by and help with bathing and at all three meals to be sure the patient is getting fed properly. And everyone knows that patients who have family members who drop by all the time at different times of the day are better cared for. Sad, but true. So, if you couldn't do half of these daily chores of love, did you at least send money for gas, detergent, shampoo, soap, etc.? In other words, if you weren't there for the day-to-day and your sister endured all this on her own, she may be doing this to "get even" with you. She may also fear you are trying to see your Mom now so you can swoop in and take what financial resources are left to your Mom. If your Mom didn't have good Long-Term Insurance, and is on Medicaid, the burden of selling your Mom's house and belongings to repay Medicaid will also fall on your sister. So, if there's a little left over after all this, your sister may feel she deserves it all. (And frankly, if you didn't provide all the above help, she does.)
I am not trying to sound harsh here, but these may be the unspoken underlying issues that if addressed, could quickly change the perspective of your sister. If she feels she has carried the burden for all your Mom's care, she may fear you are coming in now at the last minute, just for monetary gains, or to claim how much you've done for her. If your sister has shared the brunt of the burden, financially, physically and emotionally, while you are in another town, too far away, or were just too busy to handle the stresses and drains of the day-to-day (and believe me, they are astronomical) you need to be open and honest with your sister about this NOW. Try to explain to your sister that since she handled the brunt of the burden, you realize she is entitled to the "brunt of the estate", if there even is one left. (If there's not, ask your sister for a financial statement showing all her expenses and offer to reimburse her half and then DO IT!) Nursing Homes and Hospice eat up an estate quickly, and your sister may even be out a great deal of money from her own pocket. If she feels this way, that might be why she's refusing to let you see your Mom. If, however, you have both shared in the burden, fairly and equitably, then there a different harsh reality you need to get to the bottom of.
One thing, how did your sister get the POA in the first place. That should have been worked out between the two of you when your Mom first needed someone to step in, and it should have been handled together in the lawyer's office so each of you knew exactly what was expected of both of you. If that didn't happen, how did your sister convince your Mom, her doctor(s) and a lawyer to give it to her and her alone?
Be very careful about "just showing up" at the hospice. If your sister indeed does have POA and has "warned" the hospice workers then you could actually have the police called on you. So, if they ask you to leave, do so immediately. I am so sorry you are going through this. Far too many siblings are going through this now, and unfortunately, it looks like it's time for laws to be drawn up to protect parents and children from a) one family member being stuck with the burden alone, b) a sibling being able to cut out all other family members from seeing the parents, c) a way for all siblings to be required to pay their fair share for the upkeep and healthcare of their parents and d) something to be sure the elderly patient is cared for properly and not being used for financial gain or abused.
If you feel your sister is only doing this because she's "after the estate" and is separating you from your Mom so your Mom can't stop the injustice, then this is even more critical that you get to see your Mom. So, ask yourself these questions,
1) How long has it been since anyone besides your sister has seen your Mom? In other words, who besides your sister can attest to your Mom's condition and how your Mom came to be in that situation. (I know of a similar case where the sibling simply got tired of waiting for her father to die and poisoned him so she could inherit the money rather than having it spent on her father's care.)
2) How long has it been since your Mom was seen by her family doctor? Was she in hospital or nursing home before going into hospice care? In other words, who signed the orders for her to be placed in Hospice Care? For what disease / diagnosis? Have you tried to speak to her family doctor? He won't be able to give you the details of your Mom's medical history, but if you voice your concerns, he might become more concerned about your Mom's care.
3) Has your Mom been treated for dementia or other mental disorder that prevents her from making her own decisions? In other words, why does your sister have POA? Were you included in this decision? Did your sister do this behind your back? You don't mention if you have other siblings, if you do, were any of them involved? You say you've made several attempts, but don't mention what they were, so it makes it hard for anyone to offer suggestions or avenues to follow.
I pray you and your sister can settle your problems before your Mom dies. You deserve to see her, even if you "weren't there for her" per your sister. The thing is, YOUR MOM deserves for ALL her children to be with her when she's dying and your sister needs to understand that. Your sister's issues with you are just that, her issues. The will, and financial distribution, can be fought out between you two after your Mom passes. Good luck to you and may GOD bless your family. I pray your Mom does not suffer.
Canada needs to step up to the plate and change things!!!!
But that's actually a separate question from, what the heck is going on that your sibling is trying to keep you from your mother?
Anyway depending on how big your town is, with the internet and all you can probably track down your mother with not too much trouble.