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She is in burnout. We have a big family, but for 13+ years my sister, myself, and her daughter have been the only ones doing the hands on care of our 84 year old mother, after our father died 13 years ago. She is now bedridden, has early dementia, severe degenerative osteoarthritis, wears a brace from childhood polio, and has diabetes. We clean her, bathe her, dress her, fix her meals, fix up her pills weekly, and make sure we use the ointments and other things a nurse or aid would do to take care of her. We basically have to move her from side to side to do the basic care needs and use an electric hoyer lift to get her from the bed into her wheelchair when she has to go to doctor visits. She is bedbound because of a hospital stay 3 years ago where they found a brain tumor (non-malignant) and had to give her high doses of Keppra, which damaged the muscles in her legs. She was walking on a walker before that hospital admission, but can't stand or walk now permanently. My sister has been threatening me that she is going to stop caring for mom and leave at different times because she wants more money and is basically physically unable to do it anymore (burnout). I am moms durable and medical POA, so my sister is taking out her frustrations on my these past two years when she gets overwhelmed. My sister is not welll herself being a pancreas/kidney transplant patient of 4 years so I am worried she will get herself sick if she keeps going like she is. I am thinking about moving mom into a nursing home and selling her house to pay for her initial care, until me know she is approved by Medicaid. I don't want to do it, but my sister is putting undeserved stress on me when she has these outbursts and my health is starting to suffer for it, because I basically have been taking care of all of moms affairs, paying her bills, dealing with doctors and hospitals, and taking care of anything that breaks down in the house for these past 13 years since my dad died. I am at my wits end and need to do the right thing to make sure mom's care continues just in case my sister decides to just up and quit -- leaving my mom with nobody to take care of her during the week. Nobody else in our huge family will step up to help us, so I feel the best thing is to get mom in a nursing home. I am 60 years old now and still work, so I am unable to care for her fulltime during the week. Now -- is this the right thing to do for my mom seeing that my sister is really giving me a hard time and has been threatening that she will leave mom if I don't comply with her wishes (she knows I don't have anyone else in the family who will do it for me).

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Once again, Thanks so much for all of your help and comments. I am now well on my way choosing a nursing home to do a home assessment this week, and tentatively setting up a date next week for a realtor to sell the house for her expenses. We have also applied for medicaid for when the money runs out next year. Much love!!!
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Sister told you plainly that she can;t do it, and of course, you can't do it alone - I just want to add my support that you are doing exactly the right thing to listen to your sister and make alternative plans. Here's hoping it goes well and you and sis can be daughters and sisters again, instead of just burned out caregivers!
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My mother improved 100% after she went to the NH. Caring for her killed my sister.

After you get your mom place, do not hover. Do not visit every day, because she will need quite some time to learn to fit in. good luck.
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See, you have answered your own question. Through the guilt bomb out the window and take care of you and your sister's own health before it is too late!
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Regina, bless your little heart. You really ARE a hero. Hugs to you all.
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Good grief yes, nursing home. You guys have done your time and then some!
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Thanks so much! You all have helped me understand I am doing the right thing and I will now move forward. At first I was feeling guilty for even thinking about putting my mom in a nursing home, but even my own mother told me 4 months that she wanted me to put her in a nursing home because she felt it was too much on us to continue taking care of her. But I didn't listen and tried to talk her out of it saying "we love you mom, and we can take care of you". Instead of me listening to what she was trying to say to me, I once again felt we could continue. Now I know what I must do. Thanks so much!!!
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Lord in heaven. Never mind mom. It's the right thing to do for your SISTER. It's past time, Regina. I don't know how long mom's been bedridden; but I'll tell you that for the last ten days of my mom's life, she was bedridden; and I was already (after just ten days) making plans for a nursing home for her.

In case you think I didn't love my mom the way your family loves YOUR mom? I loved her more. ;)

This is an unfair burden for your sister. Period. Time for you to be the family hero, resign yourself that it's time to spend her money big time for her care, and make immediate plans for mom. You simply must.
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That should have been "you and your family"...
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Your sister is right; it's time to get help or a placement. It's too much for your and your family to handle.
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