Sister not contributing to caregiving equally. Any advice?

Don't dwell about no help from your siblings. My counselor-friend said to count it as a blessing because you get everything your way if you are doing the caregiving. Let the siblings avoid your parent, makes your life easier and you can't do anything about it anyway...so go do what needs done, take care of you and forget the uninvolved family member...they have their own battle to fight within themselves.

Assisted Living is not a nursing home - he will have his own apartment, a nurse drops by daily with his meds, a dining room services meals, there are aides to clean his apartment and do his laundry, a driver to take him to appointments or just out into the community. He is free to come and go from the facility as he pleases (provided he is not in the Alzheimer's unit). You will enjoy visiting him there, having good meals in the dining room with him, participating in the activities. My mom thrived there. Best decision we ever made.

What katiekat said.

Sooner rather than later, too.

He seems like an ideal candidate for assisted living - he has his own apartment, nurses available to give meds, nice dining facilities, rehab, and companions. What are you waiting for? Move him today!

Of course it is not fair to you that your sister doesn't help.

It is not fair to your father that he had a stroke.

It was not fair to me that my husband developed dementia (not to mention how unfair that was to him!)

Life isn't fair. My mother always told me that, so I guess I had an easier time with the shock of seeing unfairness in action.

Your sister isn't going to do more than she is doing (which apparently is nothing.) In terms of caring for Dad, you are an only child. An only child would not be able to ask a sister to help out, either. If Dad needs a caregiver or a higher level of care residence, it is up to you to make that happen. Fair? Absolutely not. But reality.

My father was living in a house that he owned with my mother for about a year after her passing. After that he sold the house and now lives in a senior housing (not assisted living). He recently was hospitalized but now is back at his apartment. My taking care of him ranged from handling all of his financial paperwork after my mother passed, to doing his laundry, going food shopping and cooking for him along with other things. He was living fairly independently in his senior living facility but recently suffered a minor stroke and now needs help picking up his medication, grocery shopping, and housekeeping. He is elderly and frail, and sometimes forgets things. I do think a caregiver would help and I even asked my sister if she could look into finding one for him, and she can't even do that. Even that would be left up to me. (Its hard for me to make calls during the day because I'm at work). I'm not even asking her to contribute as much or often as I do but she is literally doing nothing. I don't think that's fair to me.

Oh you must be related to my SIL. Totally incapable. Last person you would ever want to call for an emergency. Understand this: She will never change. She is not a caregiver. She simply shuts down. No fix for that.
So when Dad can't be alone, can't manage meds, falls down a lot, get him to Assisted Living.. Sis will howl and complain; ignore her. She won't help get that done either. Guaranteed.

If you are working 40 to 60 hours a week, then it sounds like Dad is still doing ok on his own. Can't Dad make his own doctor calls? Or do other things around the house? Or did your Mom do all that work herself and your Dad is now lost not knowing what to do?

Or are you concerned about the future? That there will be a time when Dad needs hands-on care? I know it always irks me whenever the finger is pointed to the *daughter* or to the *daughter who is single* or to the *daughter who is married but has no children* to be the primary caregiver. How is her time less valuable then the siblings who are male, or siblings who are married, or siblings who are married with children?

Well, I don't know how many people would agree with me, but for what it is worth: treat your sister as a bad debt - just write her out of your thinking as a hopeless waste of time. You'll be the responsible one in the end anyway and you have enough to worry about without wasting time and energy with her. Now where is your father at, carewise? He should be doing as much as he can to care for himself. Unfortunately there are a lot of older men who think they are entitle to a "wife/secretary" to meet all their needs. NOT! You are not a replacement for your mom. The sooner he is clear on that, the better. If he has physical/mental problems, then what kind of programs, paid caregivers, etc. are available? Outsource as much as you reasonably can - it does not matter if he does not like it - you are in charge of your time, energy and life and you make the decisions about how you want to use them. Is he the kind of person who can think of anyone but themselves? Can he understand your needs? Can you communicate and plan together? If you are doing more than casual errands, then you should consider a caregiver contract - it is absolutely not fair that you do caregiving work and then share any inheritance equally with your sister who does nothing. I know this sounds hardheaded, but I've found that calling things what they are can save a lot of misery later on. And by the way, merely producing kids does not get you a gold star!