I have dual POA with sister, who will not talk and she wants to move dad to N.C. But he does not want to go-in assisted living. What to do? Our dad has dementia currently in Assisted Living since 8/10/15 and all of his friends in his hometown currently get to see him. My sister who currently controls finances for years is hell bent in getting him to N.C. She even tried last year to do this. I want him to stay in his hometown to see his friends, etc. I hold dual POA with her and she will not wish to talk about it with us. She even tried to take him out last year and move him to N.C. - to no avail - now the game has started again with her. She thinks her husband is also actually part of the family and we are stuck in this situation. What do we do? Thanks in Advance.

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I moved my mother AWAY from NC because senior services and quality of care are near the bottom in the nation. If the legislature gets its way, there will be NOTHING to assist seniors.

See an attorney ASAP. You may need to petition for guardian/conservatorship in NY so the POA is negated.
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I think she meant that he does not want to go to NC because he's in AL and likes it where he is. Is that right?

I agree with everything that's been said so far: don't move dad...sister will get ugly...document, document, document.

Provide the staff with copies of your dual-POA if you haven't already and put a copy in a highly visible place in your dad's room.

As for communicating with your sister, do it frequently and matter of factly. Ask the same question over and over again: "Why are you avoiding communicating with me about our father?"

Her husband is part of the family but her husband does not have say-so over your dad! You do. If you haven't already established personal relationships with the staff of his AL start now. Become a fixture there by visiting frequently, even if it's just for a brief visit to check in.

Your sister cannot kidnap your dad but she may try. Inform the AL that you are worried that your sister may try to kidnap your father and ask them what their procedures are for dealing with that. Inform the staff that your sister is not allowed to remove your father from the premises without you being present...not even to "go grab a cup of coffee" because you are worried that she isn't in her right mind.

Inform the staff that no matter what your sister tells them, your father has no travel plans to NC so if they ever see your sister packing a travel bag for your dad that they need to 1. call the police and 2. call you immediately.

What a pain your sister is being. Stay strong and keep us posted!
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I'm also in support of your father's staying where he is. A move would be too traumatic. Is your sister in NC and wants him closer to her? In what state is your father now? I assume you're close to the facility he's in?

I think I would start playing hardball; if you have joint POA and she's refusing to cooperate, and if she's not thinking in terms of what's best for your father, she could be considered in fiduciary breech of her obligations. But you'd probably have to file suit to get her removed.

I think I'd also be documenting everything she does as I have a feeling this situation is going to escalate and you may need proof that she's (a) refusing to communicate with you (so make all your attempted contacts in writing and save your e-mails) and/or (b) not considering your father's best welfare.

I also foresee another attempt to physically remove him. I would put the AL staff on notice so they can call the police if she comes and attempts to remove him again. At that point, I would also consider asking the police how to get an injunction (PPO) against her to prevent her from interfering with his current care.

I can't help but think this situation is going to get uglier.

Is there a doctor involved who feels that your father shouldn't be moved?

If I understand correctly, he's in AL and your sister wants him to be in a different AL facility, in NC, presumably closer to her? I'm a bit confused by your statement that he doesn't want to go into AL,

What actually is her goal, other than physical control?
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I agree with you, your Dad needs to stay in his old hometown where his friends can visit him, as that is so very important to an elder.

Tell your sister that moving someone who had dementia can cause the dementia to accelerate, thus making him very confused. A new Assisted Living means he would have to try to learn his way around the place, not easy for someone who has memory issues. He would need to learn the Staff, again very difficult and very confusing... and he would need to try to make new friends which isn't that easy as he's the new kid on the block.

Also, if Medicaid is helping pay for some of the cost of Assisted Living, moving to another State means your Dad would need to apply with that State's Medicaid office, and the new State might not have the same programs.
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Don't put in your email address. You ask and receive your answers here, not in all caps. Ok, your sister's husband is part of the family. Duh, that is what marriage involves. But as to your real question, go to a lawyer and get advice there that you can use.
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