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I'm from a big family, 8 of 9 siblings are college grads, in good relationships, great friends with one another, all successful, happy and independent. The other sib, has never had a real job, gone thru a few marriages, lost a few homes to foreclosure, has NO long term friends, and has pattern of going from one person (typically older people or men)to another, taking them for all she can then accusing them of abuse once they tell her "no more" and dropping them. She has stolen money from a few of her sibs, lied about us (she told my family that I kept asking her young children "where's your daddy?" when she had served him with a restraining order, she claims to not be invited in family things like baptisms or xmas even though we always included her so our parents would be happy, cried to parents that siblings were attacking her when they ask her really simple normal questions), she is also an alcoholic. Typically gets slurry drunk and has recently just started passing out in the evenings, sometimes waking up and starting to undress in front of the little cousins or cussing and attacking people. She is pushy and beliigerent when she doesn't get her way and can say truly cruel things ("Mom hates you. She told me she can't stand when you come here.") She also pushes my mom around and makes her buy so much junk(sis's a hoarder) and has completely filled my mom's barn, yard, and home with stuff my mom buys. She typically has lived off my parents, either in property they own, in their home, or with their funds. My father who could somewhat keep her in line recently passed away and as we all predicted, she and her kids have moved into my mom's nice house. The first thing she did was empty out all of my dad's closets to make more room (and probably to cause drama). She didn't tell any of us. Mom had told us all that she wasn't removing anything for a year, but when faced with this she changed her story and said she was so happy that sis did it. Mom herself is child of alcholics and wants peace at all costs. She pays all sisters bills, phone, gas, mechanics, food, electricity, cash, booze, gives her the nicer car and is stuck at home for days at a time when sister leaves, and watches, feeds, and puts the kids to bed almost every single day. The sad thing is Mom is such an enabler she lies to our face about it, acts like she wanted to do that, or said it just happened once, etc... although we have all seen the pattern for the last 3 decades. On top of it all, my sister does nothing to help my mom. She sits in the big home like it is her own or visits her rich elderly friends as my mom works the 5 acres and takes care of her kids. All the rest of us live a few hours away and come out to help as much as we can (before she moved in there was someone there at least twice a month for long weekends). My husband will not kick my 76 year old mother out of her bed, the other bedrooms are "off limits", not to mention my sister's drinking and her declaration that guns are on the property (bad combo with crazy drunks), so we have had to severely limit our time there with our kids (even though we all LOVE their grandma and her house). We recently went and stayed in hotel to come help, we had heard my mom was working non-stop in the yard, and watching the kids non-stop (not from my mother she would never admit that), so we went and worked like dogs helping my mother, while sister sat in the house, entertained old people (probably rich or vulnerable), and left her kids with mom. And my mom covered for her! In rare moments of exhaustion or frustration my mom will admit that sister has drinking problem and personality issues and that she is pushy and harsh, but she is stuck because she wants to protect the children. Then she will never mention that again and try to downplay it if we bring it up, saying how great sister is. Mom's totally getting used, running a welfare state for completely entitled manipulative immature irresponsible sister and our mom lashes out at us if we try to say anything about it. I asked her to my son's bday party and she said she couldn't be away from the farm that long because she is the only one that does the work (rare moment of honesty- altho she didn't also admit she has to babysit sister's kids 24/7) when i suggested that sister could have a work list for those days, mom lashed out at me and said it wasn't the work, mom wanted to have a social life and she couldn't just go back and forth out of town all the time-totally random thing to say, I was inviting her to one weekend bday party, sister takes her car for days, leaves her kids for day, takes all her money so she is broke.I know she lashes out at me because I won't lash back like sister and she can't admit truth. I'm so SAD. I've done this so long I need to accept this is Mom's choice and I can't protect her. Mom is healthy, activ, mental ok- exhausted, depressed and frazzled trying to keep cover story up. I LOVE my mom so much.

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In a way sounds like my family unfortunately. My oldest sister who never married has always been our mother's favorite has lied as well as caused division between immediate family members as well as extended family members. In order to protect my own over health in the midst of relocating out of state and cutting off all ties. It is a difficult decision but my own primary care doctor had noticed the toil on my MS flare ups. My mother will always be a part of me but it now the time to cut off completely the apron strings.
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Marybeth, I agree with cwillie. Thats good advice. And Eyerish I have gotten confused many times on the threads. Some times I read same ones and my enthusiasm about site is renewed because have helped me so. Marybeth I can imagine how you feel about your sister using your mother. But now as I get older and am taking some wool away I see that my mother knows and knew excactly what she was doing in the relationships between each daughter and herself. Its weird because I had some heavy binders and didnt see or choose not to see who my mother and sister really were. My sister does nothing and never has but she gets catered to and always more. the glass table with crystal I shined every saturday or so was given to her and broken didnt seem to matter to anyone but me. Its hard but I think you have to let that relationship play thru and try to ensure that your caregiving expenses are covered and she doesn't fall in hole in future and let her do whatever with rest if you can. I used to think my sister just didnt know better because she was spoiled and no demand were made on her. I know different now and they have there reasons for having someone clinging and dependent becuause it give them a sense of control. I am struggling with accepting that aspect with my mother and sister. I find its getting better when I leave it alone instead of trying to correct it or point out the wrong becuase it didnt just start. Sometimes I feel used and stupid seeing and trying to fix everything and make everything correct and happy. At least you are able to take your mom in and that is where you can set the boundaries on how much you allow yourself to be used while all gets poured on your sister. Its not funny that I feel guilty when I put my self first. I learning to do that now and the better I get at it the better I feel about myself. I had to do a lot of praying and still do to better understand and deal with the wrong about my self and around me. things get construed far from truth and then you are the crazy one and your good gets twisted into ugly. Im going off tangent because I sense a lot of same manipulation that I live. Anyways I suggest you read into cwillie's advice.
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Eyerish, the OP posted in 2012, this is a renewed thread.

Marybeth, you need to make it a condition of your mom's living with you that she give you full control of her finances. She should be paying you room and board and you need to have a legal contract drawn up including payment for any extra caregiving that she may need. Give her a reasonable allowance to blow on whatever she wants (including your sister), but keep tight control of the rest of her money, she may need every penny in the years to come to pay for her increasing care needs.
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saddaughter,

Stay out of the drama. If you want your kids to see their grandma then call your mom and arrange a time that's good for her. Spend a few hours and then be on your way.

There's no prying your mom away from your sister. These behaviors have been ingrained in your mom since she was a child and had an alcoholic parent herself. The behavior that comes along with being involved with an alcoholic is very complex and way over your head.

There's nothing you can do about your sister's behavior. She's your mom's problem to deal with. Your mom knew what she was getting into when your sister moved back in with her. If your mom gets fed up with your sister she can always ask your sister to leave. But being an enabler to an alcoholic is like an addiction itself so I wouldn't wait for that to happen.

Accept what you cannot change. And don't let it stand in the way of your kids seeing their grandma.
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I understand how you are feeling. My mom is in the beginning stages of dementia and we are moving her in with me currently. My sister has been draining her of money for her addiction for more than ten years. Now that mom lives with me, she is still giving her money and believing her. I'm a waitress attending school. It was hard enough to accept that my mom was going broke for her, but I can't afford to keep my mom here if she keeps giving my sister money. Her choice affects me now. At a loss
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How do I deal with my mom lying to me? How can I sit and watch my sister use my mom and push her around and be ok with it? I guess I need to know how to accept this because my mom and my sister will never change, and I'm having a hard time giving up trying to help my mom. I just found out today she lied to me again. She said she couldn't come visit this weekend because of a bunch of different reasons that made no sense. Now I come to find that of course she was actually babysitting all weekend and sister was out getting sloshed. The using and pushing around my mom and my mom lying to me are killing me and I think it's killing my mom too. How do you distance yourself from the crazy dynamic and still have a relationship with mom/grandma and be there to help her?
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You need to accept this is Mom's choice and you can't protect her.

What's your question?
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