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My Mom was diagnosed with ALZ last November. She has lived out of state in an AL facility for about a year now. My younger sister lives in the same town so the brunt of my Mothers care has fallen on her.


She, my sister, has told me that she is done and says she wants my Mother to be moved to my state, into an AL Facility or our younger brothers state. For some reason the undertone I am hearing is it SHOULD be me to take care of my Mom. We ALL have young children and my Mother has never taken care of herself. So she requires a lot of care. My Mother's family phones it in and offers no help what-so-ever.


I’m not sure what to do. I feel like I don’t have a choice. I worry that I won’t be able to handle it. I’m at a total loss.

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I had my Mom in memory care - assisted living. I was the closest with 2 out of state sibs and one sib about an hour away. It was still exhausting but here are some thoughts for Serenity and others in similar situations.
Assess what the primary person is doing for your loved one. See if there are tasks that can be passed on to someone else. Toiletries, incontinence products, and treats can be ordered online and delivered to the facility. Is the out of state person close enough to visit at all? One overnight a month where the out of stater visits for both days and does some tasks can be a huge relief. AND when you visit, whether it's once a year or once a week, DO SOMETHING. Take Mom's laundry home and wash it. Reorganize the dresser and closet. Identify things that need mending, and do it. Clean mom's nails and put cream on her hands and feet. Replace items that need replacing.
I was appalled to see my SILs NEVER do the ordinary things for their Mom. AND guess what, the aides in ALs (or any facility) don't have time to clean the resident's hairbrushes, cream hands and feet, etc. They won't throw out the old newspapers, magazines and books. Actually, they aren't allowed to. Family has to do those things. Stained and ripped clothing needs to be fixed or removed. Shoes need to be polished. Keeping someone in a facility is still a lot of work and needs many hands,
Can you have a conference call with your brother, sister and you to see how you can all contribute?
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Reply to geewiz
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Ahmijoy Sep 13, 2018
Wow. In my mom’s facility, they did her laundry at no extra cost to me. When they helped her dress, clothes that were too far gone got put (by them) in a trash bag and all I did was throw them in my car. Manicurists came weekly and took care of her nails including lotion. Even as far gone as she was,she was still able to put lotion on her own hands. I never spent much time feeling I had to “reorganize” her things because she had them where she knew they were, and by me messing with them, it confused her. If she had sugar packets in with her underwear, I just left them.

This was a Medicaid Nursing Home and not a resort facility. Of course staff won’t say no if family offers to do things. Facilities are always understaffed. It’s a fine line but I never had any issues with Mom’s Care.
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First time posting anything...forgive me please.

I feel for the original poster. My mom, who is in AL, is in constant need of toiletries, supplies, doctor visits, etc that I've had to manage continuously without the assistance of my sibling located elsewhere in the state.

Just the other day, I received a text from my Mom stating that she needed to have a bowel movement.

Just because she's in an AL doesn't mean that all her needs are taken care of and it becomes the responsibility of the nearest "caretaker" to pick up the remaining pieces.  It would sure be nice if I had some help, but Mom has pissed off everyone to the point they're no longer available.....everyone but me.

So I get it.  The OP is frustrated, needs help, and is done.
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Reply to Baldguy95762
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Great responses about having sister set boundaries, if she feels it's too much on her. You or some family member should check to see why the facility is not doing more for mother's care. If there are a lot of calls, demands, issues for the family, from the facility, something is not right. Mother may need a higher level of care. If mother is calling too much and making the demands, that can resolved too, by sister. It's doable.

Does sister realize that it's a big deal for many reasons to move someone with dementia out of state? Who's the DPOA and Healthcare POA?

Regardless, I'd be proactive and figure out what is going on and make your position known. I accepted the role of DPOA and Healthcare POA for my LO, so, it's my decision. No one should be forced to take a role that they do not wish to take. Can you discuss it with sister and brother to see what is reasonable and who is wiling to do what.
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Reply to Sunnygirl1
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I’m a little confused. You say Mom is in Assisted Living yet your sister is obviously burned out from caring for her. Just what does the AL do for your mom? There should be three shifts of caregivers at the AL plus a visiting doctor, dietician and housekeeping, right? Is your sister someone who feels she should be at the AL every day and “do for” Mom what the staff should be doing? if so, then that’s a good reason for her burnout. Maybe have an honest conversation with her to see if that’s what she’s doing. Suggest that since Mom is in a Care facility, they should be the one who’s doing the caring and not her. Assure her that if Mom does come to an AL near you, you will let the facility care for her and you will visit when you are able. But, moving mom could be very stressful for her. Consider that as well.
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Sister can tell you she's done but she can't dictate what you do about that. I sympathize though with her reasoning about having your mother mover closer to you or your brother, she knows that even if mom is in a facility the onus is on the closest person to be the point person. If your mom isn't getting the support she needs from her AL then perhaps what is really needed is a higher level of care -memory care or even a nursing home. If this is more about family dynamics though and your sister feeling obligated to support your mother's unreasonable demands then you might try to encourage your sister to learn to set boundaries, your mother doesn't need any of you to dance attendance every day.
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