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Sister is a nurse and telling dad what meds to take or not take but she is 9 hours away and has not seen dad in months (has visited here once) and does not know his doctor. Dad lives with me, we have the same Dr. I have consulted with him. Dad says my sister told him it is OK for him to stop his cholesterol med. She tells him what he should and shouldn't do. Dad tells me what he thinks I want to hear. He does not take his diabetic meds as well. Of course he is over weight and sugars are up and down but will not listen to me. I am the one who deals with the problems. Dads sugar was a 50 and he decided that was a good time to drive to get a hamburger in the evening. After he told me that of course I spoke to him very sternly about driving when his sugars were too low and eat at home. He will not listen to me. What do I know (I deal with medical emergencies all the time and been in the medical field for over 20 years). Of course sister knows everything (No, we do not talk because it takes 2 people to listen not one just talking). I have no idea what to do except to send Dad to live with her for a while to see how life is on this side. The last time she had him she let him drive 8 hours while completely dehydrated. Yes I had to take him to the ER and give him 2 bags of fluid.

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"Dear Sis; I hope this finds you well; wife has been having some medical issues, but I've told you about those, the doctors are still investigating and hope to have some answers for her soon. It's very worrisome.

Speaking of worrisome, dad has been telling me that he's decided, after talking to you, to stop taking his (fill in the blank) meds. I just wanted to check in and see if you'd had an in depth conversation about this and if you'd like his MD's phone number to disucss.

You know how dad likes to play fast and loose sometimes with "this one said this" and "this one said that" until your head starts to spin?

I just want to make sure that we're on the same page with his care plan; I wish he'd pay more attention to his diet and his glucose numbers. And he seems not to want to pay attention to his sleep apnea. All that lack of O2 to his brain seems to be wreaking havoc with his thinking and reasoning skills.

Anytime you want to chat about this, shoot me an email and we can set up a time where I know he won't be listening in"
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Do you know for sure that Sister is telling dad these things? Or is he playing you off against each other?
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Yeah, that's what I was wondering. Maybe, he says one thing, but, tells her another.

It's tough to manage a person if they are resistant and still competent. Do you think he is? If someone is obviously doing things that are dangerous, destructive or risky, I start thinking that their judgment is just too poor. That's a tough situation. When my almost 80 year old father got his ladder to do something on his roof, I had to threaten to call 911 and both my brothers to address him.  I wasn't very calm about it.  He knew I meant it.  I guess he didn't want to get embarrassed, since he put the ladder away.  lol  I don't think he's tried that one since. 
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I do not understand why you insist that your father remains competent and independent. Your dad is not competent and his poor self management indicates as much. I would not be surprised if your sister the nurse has told your father no such things about taking and not taking medications.

You may have been in the medical field but you are not a nurse and do not understand the physiology and metabolism of drugs whereas your sister does. Unless your sister the nurse is masquerading as the angel of death, I find it difficult to believe that she let him drive 8 hours while dehydrated. Stubborn old people - and your father certainly fits that category - do dangerous things and make bad decisions. Stop blaming your sister the nurse for your father's bad decisions. You have no proof that she told him anything!

Your father is in all likelihood lying to you. It is baffling but some old people start lying. Perhaps they do not recognize it as lying and just wish it were true. Your father needs a full workup for dementia and cognitive decline. He lives with you. Take charge.
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"The first Christmas here he said something smart to me and I barked at him, he sulked in his room for an hour until I had to apologize".

Why did you have to apologize? You are both adults. You support him and have given him a place to live, rent free. If he says something snotty, you repond appropriately, ie, "Hey, this is MY house? You don't like it here, move!".

I would not apologize to someone who mouthed off to me like that. Let him sulk.
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TG, you are stuck, it is frustrating, and I sympathise.

But, so, what do you want to do? What do you want to happen?

Vent away by all means, but as you have always known and has always been the case the solution is in your own hands.

With the driving, not to be callous but I'd be less concerned about your father - I've never seen the logic of insisting on being more concerned about a person than he has ever been bothered to be himself - and more about the damage he could do to others. And what it might cost.

But that's a whole 'nother can of worms, eh?

How about shipping him out to Sister for Thanksgiving and a couple of weeks either side? Give you a breather and her an update.
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You said that your dad came to live with you, since he was not able to manage his own household. And now he also is not properly handling his medical issues. Hmm.....and you don't have Durable POA. It sounds like things are likely to get really intense. I'm sorry to say that, but, I might consult with an attorney about your options. I'd explore what evidence you need in your jurisdiction, since, it doesn't seem likely that your father will sign DPOA. It's unfortunate.

I'd also read a lot about dementia, because, in the early stages...it's not that easy to recognize. With my LO I had no idea. I just couldn't figure out why she would do this or say that....THEN, it became clear. She lied a lot, only she didn't know she was lying. She denied medical conditions, because she forgot she had them.

I do hope you can find some answers and help. This kind of thing can really take a toll. Take care of yourself too.
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You are certainly between a rock and hard place, TG.

If you talk to your sister, apparently she won't take it as though you're trying to get your dad the right help; she'll take it as criticism and she'll tell Dad. You'll be the bad guy.

You can't talk to dad, because he's non-compliant with everything!

You can't talk to dad's doctor, because, well, because he's "independent" at your expense.

You can't talk to anyone else in the family, because for whatever reason, you are seen as the bad guy (because you gave dad a free place to live and extra money) and if you try to do the right thing by getting some help or medical attention for dad, it'll be taken the wrong way.

I guess you're just stuck having to wait until something happens, like a fall or a blood sugar "event" that sends him to the hospital.  

When that happens, perhaps you can see your way clear to work with the discharge planning folks to get him into a good supportive living environment.
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Thank you for some of the good suggestions and no thanks to those you suggest otherwise. I just take your responses as what they are if you believe what I am saying or not. The more I am here the more I find those who care to talk someone down because you think know better. But hey, if that is the way you are then so be it. Yes I am trying to be involved with his care. It is difficult to know if someone is lying or not. It is difficult to know if someone is telling him something or not without hearing the direct conversation. I can only surmise when I am told that is what the person said. So with dad I continue to monitor him and attempt to take as much charge as I can as he is not identified and cognitively challenged. If that is the case then it is a game changer and all our lives will change. I am hoping that is a long way off. As far as dealing with my sister that is a challenge in it self. It is difficult to analyze someone from a few posts but thank you for doing so. Since I do not have a POA on dad (unless he is in a medical condition) I dont have much. I offered him a place to live not a nursing home. This was due to his failure to have a plan and not enough money to live on his own. When I moved him he was already underwater financially and not really taking care of himself. It was not due to my abiding care, it was a matter of fact and neither sibling was jumping up to take over. I try to feed him in a healthy manner and provide him medical care but he chooses to live the way he wants. Sodium, fat and sugar rich diet as much as I try to cook somewhat healthy. I am not perfect I do make mistakes a lot. It is a challenge having him here as I try to care for him. Add a daughter and SIL and 2 dogs in the mix and you have a recipe for a stress disaster. So maybe I am not doing it right, I get it. Maybe I shouldn't blame my sister (I don't but I get annoyed when I get the go around and no discussion from her). She does like to call the shot's and tells me so, it's always been that way so I cannot change it. If I do talk to her she goes right to dad so it is less stress for me not to engage her.
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TG, what I wrote?  That's the sort of thing that virtually any mental health professional should be able to help you with, i.e., getting what you need/want in a nonconfrontational way.  

Think of it this way. You need a better set of tools to address thus situation.  
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