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My mom is 96 yrs old. New York State. We live in New York and my sister has no cause for keeping us from our mother other then her greed and evilness. She cares nothing about my mom and is emotionally and verbally abusing her. My mom has dementia. she slips in and out of it and my sister confuses her more on purpose. Please help!!

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If your sister had petitioned the court for guardianship, all children would have been notified. I would be surprised if she is guardian.
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How do you know that APS stayed 20 minutes and left your sister's house? Do you know if they also contacted you mom's doctor in their investigation? You say that 5 people have witnessed verbal and mental abuse, but no one will admit to it. Why not? That's a pretty big thing for people to refuse to sign an affidavit for. What are they afraid of? What did your sister say that you consider abusive?

How do you know so much about your mom's treatment in the home, if you are not allowed there? I'm just curious as I'm trying to mull this over in my brain.

I would keep in mind that with dementia, the patient cannot be relied upon in what they say. They may say they took a trip to Rome or rode a horse to the grocery store. They may claim someone is robbing them or that someone is mean, but it doesn't mean it's true. So, the statements about your mom might not be accurate either.

If you want to find out if your sister is your mom's guardian, then I would check with the Clerk of Court in the county where they live. Normally, that is a court action and there will be a file with the Petition and Order appointing the Guardian. Try the names of your sister and mother. And they normally have to file an annual Accounting of the person's assets and how their money is spent, along with checks, receipts, etc. They have to account for every penny. Having that information, might give you some peace.

You sound very anxious to take over your mother's care. Do you have the means to do this? It's a lot of responsibility. It takes a lot of money too, as the round the clock care of a dementia patient can require a lot of help, equipment and supplies, depending on their level of progression.

I would keep trying. It would be too sad to never be able to see her again.
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You say that "my sister has no cause for keeping us from our mother other then her greed and evilness." From her point of view, she may consider the fact that you reported her to APS, that you hired a lawyer, and that your goal is to have Mom removed from Sister's home, may be cause.

You have done what some of us advised. You reported your concern to APS. They did not find evidence of abuse.

It sounds like your mother lived with this sister for many years, and before she developed dementia. Presumably if she considered her environment abusive she could have walked out at any time. Why didn't she?

If you could afford to pursue guardianship and you were awarded it, what would you do? Place mother in a care center? And then what?

I really think children should be allowed to see their parents (except in extreme circumstances). Sister doesn't want you in her house. Might she be open to letting you visit Mom in a coffee shop, for example? She could sit nearby but you and Mom could be alone. She is probably concerned that you might abduct Mom. Relieve those fears. You just want to sit and have a cup of coffee and a pastry with Mom! Ask your lawyer if there is some way to set up supervised visits, kind of like divorced couples sometimes have to do with children.
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Verysad, my only suggestion is document everything. You can't record phone calls, but you can write everything down. Your conversations with your sister, you conversations with your mom. All the details you can remember. Hopefully, you will be able to see your mom again soon. Detail that.

Yes, this is time consuming. But, it will do a couple things for you:

1. It will give you a record (in the future, complete with actual dates and times) of the conversations so that information cannot be construed (on either side) later. Sometimes, as time passes, we forget details that may be important later.

2. It will also give you a place to "dump", freeing some of your anxiety and that will help clear your brain. Anxiety can build and become mentally debilitating. Once you find your outlet, you might be inspired with new thoughts for solutions.
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My sister said if my brother or I show up om the property she will have us arrested. She has blocked our phone numbers on their house number. We cannot get through. My sister is retired all day now so even when we call from a different number the phone doesn't get answered because my sister is there with my mom. We have an entire disgusting letter she wrote to us and sent certified mail that our phone numbers including our work numbers are blocked and we will be arrested for stepping foot on the property. So , we cannot get to my mother to take her and I am not sure if my sister has legal guardianship of my mother or not. My lawyer said it would cost me around 20k to go thru the NY courts to see if I can get guardianship. and there would be no guarantee she said. It pains me to say I am nit in a financial position to take a loan out for 20k plus and still not be able to remove my mom into my care. I already stated my sister can still have and keep every single cent of my mothers stuff and money if she would just let me be my moms caregiver. I am not interested in the money at all. Just my mom
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Is there any way you or your brother take in your mom? Even if it is only temporary until a more safe and suitable place can be found?
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Hello..thank you all for your responses. My mother has lived with my sisters helping her raise her kids and being the drop off babysitter for the grandkids. I witness as do others my sister being verbally and mentally abusive. No one in my family wants to sign affidavits though. The last 5 yrs is when my mothers mental state started to decline. She is still walking a puttering around. She does need help bathing which my sister refuses to do nor will she hire a caregiver or home health aid to assist my mother. Elder care dept that I went to ask questions to in Yonkers NY said they had no choice but to call and report elder abuse. They showed up at my sisters house stayed 20 min and said my sister was a delightful person and scolded me for not appreciating my sister. So unprofessional and not ok for them to do, I reported it to the supervisor and she reprimanded them but nontheless they closed the case.. I believe my sister is POA. I am not sure. She will not tell us anything. I hired an attorney to mediate. we all went back and forthe for a few months and when we had a mutual agreement my sister saud forget it she wasn't doing it.This was the only lawyer in NY that I contqcted that would actually help me. All the others said they wouldnt help because my mom has lived with my sister, If anyone asks my mom how things are going with my sister in the room my mom will alwasy say fine. If people speak to my mom when my sister is not there she says she want to move and has alot of negative things to say about my sister. My mother is basically a prisoner in her home. They rent an apt from a relative I know for a fact my mom pays some of the bill. My sister co mingles their money together. How can my sister have the right to stop myself and my brother from speaking to or visiting my mother when my mother pays bills ad has rights as a human being also? I don't understand why all the lawyers I called said my sister can do whatever she wants and they would not help me
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VerysadinNY, could you give us more information..... curious, where are you getting the information regarding the emotionally and verbal abuse of your Mom?... was that something that your Mom had told you in the past? If yes, please note that there is a stage of dementia where the person will make up stories, it's the dementia talking.

Could it be that your sister is overwhelmed with caring with Mom? How many years has your sister been Mom's caregiver? How old is your sister and what are her own health issues? She's probably between 60's or 70's. Does your sister have anyone to help her take care of her Mom, such as a paid Caregiver to come in for a few hours to give your sister a break?

Were you and/or your brother able to give your sister a respite so she could catch her breath from the caregiving? Such caregiving is a 168 hour week.
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Yes, call APS.
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Call the police and report Elderly abuse, who is POA.?
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Call Adult Protective Services tell them your story and how sis will not allow you to see mom. Does she have mom's POA? Requests for investigation are kept confidental. How did sis end up being the one to take on the care responsibility?
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