Sister in-law wants the glory. Anyone have a similar experience?

Ask APS to investigate. There are many things that, as POA, your SIL can have paid for out of your Mom's funds if it goes toward Mom's care. You should consult an elder law attorney so you can get clear the sister in law's rights and duties as a legal fiduciary for your Mom.

Medicaid will for sure frown on poas getting money to pay off loans or buy themselves a car, for example. That looks like a gift versus an accounting of room and board and a family caregiver contract.

And if the goal is to stretch moms money out, then that contract should be limited.

If we were all paid like 23 an hour for having the senior live with us, we’d be making theoretically over 200k a year on the caregiving alone. Plus assuming sil is single, half of her annual living costs.

That btw should also apply to you for the time you had mil with you.

Whatever sil is charging, what happens when that money goes away? What happens if she gets sick or becomes too disabled to do this? Or dies? If she is expecting you to be involved, you can’t go into this blind.

And, what “Glory” would that be?

The Adult Poop diapers?

The constant shadowing?

The questions that repeat EVERY TWO MINUTES?

The anxiety that makes a person with dementia pace for hours on end?

The getting up in the night, because the patient is afraid?

Again, which glory would that be?

I don't quite follow how this works..

"I see my sister inlaw as wanting all the glory when she gave me and her brother all the days of caring for my husbands mom and dad".

OK, yes, I've had a SIL try to roster DH & I - she had volunteered to help but needed more hands.
Why offer help?
Because she cared?
To get the 'glory' of being thanked? Could be many reasons behind it & ways to view it.

Good clear communication sorted that all - we help as we can but set our own calendar, thanks.

I feel there is a lot of hurt & bitterness from the OP here.

SIL has now taken on the full-time caregiving role? Yet I feel there isn't gratitude or relief, but still hurt & bitterness.

What's the aim here?

Drama, demonise & blame? Or a well-working family supporting the aging parents?

In my experience, even the patient isn’t always told he has dementia. My mother never knew, neither did dad. This particular caregiver, being a nurse, would be more likely to pick up on it, but a caregiver should preserve the privacy of the patient. She has no obligation to tell you or anyone else about the sufferings of those in her care. Do you really want to know that dad’s catheter fell out or that mom had an explosive bowel movement today? Do you need to know that dad’s mind can’t piece together how to walk to the mailbox and get the mail? So many things go wrong every single day that it’s exhausting for the caregiver, and telling others and explaining it over and over is impossible. Get real - you’re being spared and you’re absolved of responsibility for the mom and dad. Make the most of it. Go kick up your heels at the dance hall, take in a long movie, have a party, and be thankful. It’s a sure thing that this caregiver won’t be doing any of that. You might take all of them a nice homemade dinner on your way to having fun at the place of your choice.

I agree with Everyone here that glory is the wrong word to use when it comes to caregiving for dementia patients, but there seems to be a disconnect, OP is indeed doing the caretaking, first for both parents but now just for the dad.

Just a question, does your husband tell his sister how much he appreciates how she took on the role of caregiver of their parents? And with her training she is the best one qualified? When my brothers did that, it helped to know they realized what I took on.

Just because you are a Nurse does not mean you have worked with Dementia patients and know how to deal with them. Or that you know what it is like changing pull ups. Why do you think they have CNAs in hospitals and NHs, they literally do all the dirty work. RNs are really not trained on the physical care of a patient. They are trained to do the administrative work. My daughter started out as an LPN, she worked with the patients. She cleaned up when no aides were available. She was tested on things in school but for the RNs it was "this is how you do it" practise a couple of times and on to the next thing. When I worked, my Dept head held a BS degree in Nursing. She had to cut hours for the nurses so one got a p/t job in a NH. Med passes are usually done by LPNs but they wanted this RN to do them. She complained that is took so long that her other work got behind. My dept head asked her if she ever did med passes before and the answer was No. My dept head was coming up on retirement and was shocked that this RN had not been trained in meds passes.

So, give ur SIL a little slack. She has taken on a big job. Maybe asking where you can help will keep her from saying "look who has POA and trustee".

Maybe "glory" was the wrong word to use. Actually as the POA for financial and medical she is not obliged to tell you anything. She is Moms representative and does what Mom would have done, she carries out Mom wishes. If Mom was private about her money so should she be. Same with Moms health. Also, if things are discussed its between sister and your husband.

If you know for sure she is using Moms money for her personal loans, then this is something ur DH may want to look into. If the POA and trust say she gets compensated a certain amount and thats all she is using, then nothing you can do about that. But if sister is using Moms money with no legal contract in place, it could cause a Medicaid penalty down the line. It also could be reported to SS because that has to be used on Mom again unless there is a contract in place.

Trust me, she's not looking for "glory," especially if she's already a nurse. She's earned her stars in heaven already.

Stop being so petty and make an effort to work as a team for MIL's benefit. You have no rights to know her medical condition, although your husband might have a slightly better argument for knowing. However, since he's not POA, even he doesn't really have a "right" to know, but it'd be nice if he could be in the loop.

Make nice with SIL, as she holds all the cards in this. Otherwise, you'll get nowhere. Your suspicions are just that -- suspicions -- so if you continue to snipe at her, you'll have no luck.

If mil is gifting to the sil, that could set back Medicaid eligibility. This is NOT in mils best interest.

Alzheimer’s and dementia tend to be fairly apparent conditions. It’s hard to see that your family couldn’t see this for what it was as it’s pretty hard to hide for long. And there’s no glory in providing caregiving for anyone with dementia, it’s a tough road filled with heartache. You should call a family meeting to address your concerns, talk out the caregiving plan, your concerns about finances, all of it. Ask how a typical day is, get more information and go from there

What glory? Do you and your husband visit his family so rarely that neither one of you noticed their decline from Alzheimer's/dementia?
Sorry, but that's on the two of you not your SIL who is doing all the work of caring for them.
In what way do you think your SIL is taking advantage? Your MIL moved in with her and she is not only providing her with room and board, she is also providing caregiving services to her.
Is she supposed to do this for free to preserve potential inheritance for her son (your husband) and through him for you?
It makes sense for her to be the POA and trustee because her mother lives with her and she is her sole caregiver. Your husband her son or you her DIL, do none of the caregiving.
I will tell you something and I hope you heed my words because I was an in-home caregiver for almost 25 years and got roped into caregiving for my mother.
Your SIL is not gloating and you and your husband would do well to not runs your mouths about it. You two are getting off easy considering that neither of you have to take on any of the caregiving responsibility.
So if putting up with your SIL gloating a little or maybe paying some bills with "mom's money" (which is being used for her care), let her. Then count your blessings that you're not cleaning can and babysitting for an elder with Alzheimer's.

What sort of "glory" do you think there is in caring for sick elders with dementia? Did you yourself find "glory" in It? Why not try just letting go of the anger you feel here so you can enjoy your life now? That's the best advice you can get. Ultimately, your SIL will have an awful lot of care and worry on her hands with your in-laws which won't be at all easy for her. There won't be much time for gloating while she's knee deep in Depends.