My mother in law gave POA to her oldest son, however, his wife hates our mother in law and provokes her to justify why she and her Husband want nothing to do with her. They are planning to drug our mother in law and while she is sedated, to put her in their car and dump her in an ALF. They state that she has no money and that they had to take a 2nd mortgage out on their home to pay for the ALF however, there should be tens of thousands of dollars in my mother in laws account. They are angry at my husband and I because we are "not on the same page and are undermining them." My Husband is being put in a position now choosing his Mother or the rest of his family. They claim to be practicing Catholics, yet they see nothing immoral or unethical with their behaviors. I want to involve APS. My sister in law will stop over our mother in laws house, provoke her, speak to her in a condescending, disrestful manner, yet if our mother in laws says anything back to her, my sister in law runs to her husband claiming that our mother in law threatened her, and is abusive. How cruel that she pits her Husband against his own mother. My mother in law should have been placed in an ALF years ago, but my nasty sister in law would not allow it, as the 5 year Medicaid look back was up April 2017. My sister in law has torn this family apart over greed. Not only is my mother in law emotionally and financially abused by my sister in law, but she is also alienated from family events by my sister in law, such as a bridal show for one of her granddaughters, a baby shower, and a wedding. Should I go against my husband and his whole family to do what is right?

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Your brother and sister in law have taken out a second mortgage on THEIR home to pay for Assisted Living?

But they've also applied for Medicaid for MIL?

But she's got thousands of dollars in her account?

And she's should have ben in AL years Ago?

I'm very confused about what you would like to see happen.
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How is it that you can see this side of SIL, and your husband cannot? What does he think should happen?

What would be best for MIL? You say she should have been placed in an ALF years ago. Wouldn't it be good for her to be there now? She would be out from under her DIL's provocations, be free to make friends, you and/or your husband could visit her frequently without the stress of SIL, etc. You could also pick her up and take her to bridal showers, etc.

If being in an ALF would be the best thing for MIL, maybe you should just accept it, in spite of the devious ways of getting her there, and the greedy motivations. And, btw, you can't "dump" someone in an ALF. If the person is legally competent she can simply say she refuses to be there. ALF's are not prisons. They cannot hold her against her will. But perhaps once she is used to it she will enjoy it and want to stay.

Just exactly what would you do if you go against your husband and do what is right?
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Brother and SIL are going to dump MIL in an ALF.
MIL should have been encouraged to move to an ALF years ago but nasty SIL wouldn't allow it.

I'm confused, too. What would you want APS to do or recommend? What should BIL and his wife be doing?

The one thing that is really, really clear from your post is that you can't stand your sister in law. I can sympathise with that: I couldn't stand mine, either, not least because I considered her to be similarly hostile to my mother.

But your BIL has responsibility for your MIL's welfare, your MIL gave him that responsibility, and you *are* undermining him - what we can't tell is whether or not you're right to be doing so.

What have you and your husband been doing to support MIL during these years? Any active involvement in her care?
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If your MIL has all her mental faculties and is capable of living alone, there is no possibility of her being moved to an ALF against her wishes. Your BIL cannot use power of attorney to overrule the choices of a competent adult.

So... the Medicaid look-back period presumably applied to your late FIL's share of the value of the family home?

And the tens of thousands of dollars that you believe ought to be in your MIL's bank account, this money would have come from where?

Would you necessarily blame your MIL for feeling a powerful urge to black SIL's eye? I rather like the idea, myself.

Overall, it sounds as though what you have is a couple of strong characters who have clashed painfully. But unless your husband's whole family is otherwise entirely spineless and stupid, I'm not sure how your SIL could have convinced them against their own judgement that MIL should be made a pariah.

Why not involve APS, then? How could it hurt? Ask for an evaluation of MIL's living situation, don't accuse anyone of anything, just get their assessment and their advice on how best to move forward.
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You are mighty involved, for an in law. Which it totally up to you--and if the family is OK with that--keep it up? My word as far as the care of MY DH's mother is none of my business whatsoever.

This is a story with a ton of holes and accusations in it. I can't fathom WHY anyone would work so darn hard to "earn" $150 a week, if this is what's happening, essentially.

It is sad, if SIL is turning the family against MIL. She's made and enemy of you, for sure. I am guessing the time for quietly sitting down and discussing what's BEST for MIL has long passed. If you really feel strongly that she is being neglected and abused, you'd best call APS and keep on calling them until they investigate.

So, did they drop mom off at the ALF, all sedated? I can't imagine a dr being on board with this scenario. I can't imagine the ALF being on board either.

I hope you come back--maybe take a deep breath before you begin your rant and give us some more details.

Personally, for the possibility of being heir to 1/3 of an old house--I'd leave this hot mess alone, just do my best for MIL.
Helpful Answer (4)

It is very nice that you have done all of these things to improve MIL's quality of life and include her in family events. Well done.

So your alternative plan is that MIL remains in her own home until after Christmas, i.e. until early 2018. And how is she to be supported for the next four + months?

The question is about who is doing the daily grind. As you say that MIL should have been moved to ALF years ago, you presumably agree that she cannot live safely alone. And although I am happy to give huge credit to people who do get involved as you and your husband have done, there is a big difference between ad hoc assistance and 24/7 responsibility - which *somebody* must have been taking on since the time when you yourself judge that MIL was beginning to fail to manage at home.

Does the broyges with SIL by any chance date from the misunderstandings during MIL's post-op care? Unfounded and hurtful accusations getting thrown around, something like that?
Helpful Answer (3)

Kindness, I can recite from memory the message my SIL wrote in one Mother's Day card - 'Sorry we won't see you but it's A___'s 30th birthday and we're having a big party for him here.'

'A' being Grandson No. 2, and 'here' being their own family home with ample room and at least two bathrooms. So essentially we're having a party and you're not invited, na-na-ni-na-na - have a nice day!

I waved the card in mother's direction, paraphrased for her, and popped it on the mantlepiece unread. Didn't feel the need to share that particular gem with her - she already had so many to choose from.

It seems simple enough. Discuss with your MIL the option of revoking her current POA and appointing your husband and/or you instead. And call those grandchildren! You speak the language. Tell them Granny would love to see them, and suggest a day when you can be there to help with snacks or whatever.

And how about safer living options that you do think she'd like? What's available near her?
Helpful Answer (3)

Kindness, I'm going to point out something that you're not going to like, so stop reading right here if you're not willing to see another side of this.

You state that MIL has income of $1300 per month ( she's low income for sure) with bills of 700$ per month ( housing? Food?). So, that leaves 150 per week. You don't think 150$ per week has gotten spent by MIL or by poa on her behalf and that those monies should be sitting in CDs somewhere?

Who is checking in on MIL daily? Is it you? Unless you are willing to shoulder the greatest part of MIL'S care, I think you need to think about how much time and money home maintenance costs. ( who is doing yardwork, snow removal, housekeeping, changing bed linens, changing over winter/summer clothes? You? Or SIL?

I understand that you feel sad for MIL and for the fact that everyone else in the family, including your husband, seems to agree that it's time for MIL to have a higher level of care. The neurologist seems on board as well.

Most elders thrive in Assisted Living. They gain a social life. They are safe in storms and from burglary, door to door scammers.

What is clear is that you hate your SIL. Maybe she IS evil. But this may also be what is best for MIL.
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Did a doctor prescribe this sedative?
Helpful Answer (2)

Kindness; As Jeanne asks, is this medication prescribed by MIL's doctor? Is she often agitated? (Is that perhaps why she is not invited to family occasions, because she disrupts them and scares the children?)

Often, AL's ask that families not visit for the first few weeks while dementia patients become acclimated to the routine of the new facility. It is NOT an uncommon request, made by the facility and NOT out of hatred.

You know the prayer that starts "Make me an instrument of your peace"?

Sometimes we have to let the bad feelings and misunderstandings go and work toward a greater good. Do you think that you and your husband might be able to look at this from another point of view?
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