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My 85-year-old mother now has her 59-year-old daughter and my sister 28-year-old son and 32-year-old wife living with her all are broke and over the past 17 years, they have spent all of my mothers money and left my mom in debt. My sister is working a minimum-wage job and contributes some her son and daughter in law pay zero. They have no car either. They do nothing for my mom while living in her house and tell her what to do and don't come out of their room except to feed or leave. The other day while we were on the phone talking my mother asked her grandson where are you going... his response was NONE of your business. I said to my mom tell him to get the F out.... My mom says if I say anything to my sister, she will be mean to her. I have asked my mom to come live with me but now again says she can't sell her house cause. They have so much crap in it and don't want to leave them in her house. How can I talk to my sister and make her understand this is not right? I've tried, and my sister tells me that my mom is crazy this is not happening that she has always taken care of her since our father passed away... The only taking care of my sister, and her family has done is SPEND all of my Mothers money if that is what my sister is really taking about... I am ready to blow here ,, I tried to move her before my sister loss, her house and her dead-beat son moved in but now. What am I to do. My mom would not move and didn't want to come and told me I could not leave my sister behind. However, I refuse to have my sister here because she lives like a horder. What to do my mom is so unhappy crying and complaining all day I feel horrible all the time... But refuse to have the extended family with me to and finance them too. We are talking about my mother having over 500K in the bank the last 17 years with all of her debt paid and even her house, and now she is 70K in debt, and my mom thinks she has done good. She gets SS which she could have lived on and still have money in the bank my sister says no way... Are you kidding me, I'm an accountant, My mom paid for all of their expenses, cars she purchased for them education trips, etc.. What am I going to do? My mom is miserable, and I can't control anything I feel without getting into a fight... She is living out her final years in h*ll I feel.

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No wonder you feel terrible for your mom. The only solution I can see if that you involve an elder law attorney. This could mean that charges would be brought against your family for squandering you mother's money so you'll have to think that through. But you mom is horribly unhappy and if they aren't giving her good care, something should be done. Maybe others in this community have more suggestions, but it seems like a legal issue to me.

Please keep us posted on how you are doing.
Carol
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Your story breaks my heart and I can only try to imagine how helpless and angry this must make you feel. There are others here on the forum who can give you legal type advice about how you might have this situation investigated, I know little about that.

I do however know more than a little about feeling powerless over the actions and poor decisions of my elderly parents. Hopefully you will find help for your Mom but if she gave out that money willingly and with a sound mind then it was her choice, I don't know what can be done. It is also her choice who she allows to live with her. I REALLY hope you can find help with this. The people on this forum will help with that. Meanwhile try to protect yourself from becoming overwhelmed with this situation. Love your Mom and do what you can to let her feel loved (I know...you probably already do that :). Emotional support and love are things you CAN do and it sounds like she really needs it.
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I wholeheartedly agree with Carol. Consult with attorney and see how he can help mom. And do so discreetly, otherwise your sister could catch wind of this and take it out on MOm. Mom will have to be in agreement.

My solution would be to consult attorney with elder law experience and get the ball rolling. Open new account for mom where all her money is direct deposited. Move mom to your home; only supervised visitation with rest of the family. Give sis and kids 60 days notice to clear out, then evict if necessary. Sell the home, put proceeds into special account designated to pay down moms debt and or her future care expenses. Organize some care or in home help to help offset your new responsibilities. If necessary, mom could declare bancruptsy at her age she shouldn't need future credit.

All this will take a lot of patience, but keep focused on the light at end of the tunnel for everyone. SIs is taking advantage of her mom even though her perception is that she is offering companionship and being around in case of emergency--but constantly getting money from mom is inexcusable.

Good luck.
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Your mom would have to be the one to tell them (not ask them) to move out. There's nothing you can really do yourself. If your sister and her son and his wife are all living at mom's for free your sister isn't likely to give that up since they're all broke. I don't think there's anything you can say to her to "make her understand". And while mom may complain about them to you, to them your mom is probably very nice and accommodating in the interest of keeping the peace.

So let your mom have some peace. In her situation, she deserves it. Stay out of it.
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Taking legal action against your sister waste of money if you are looking for reparation. You may be able to get an order of protection fairly cheaply, IF mom will go along. Mom is still competent at this point, exercising bad judgement. Bluntly, it sounds like mom raised one daughter to be a contributing member of society and enabled another to be a leech on society, and herself. I am not sure how this happens, but you are not the first family to have this issue.

I would contact an attorney immediately. Look to liquidate her assets and document using what she has left for her care, and pray I can make it last as close to 5 years as possible. I would look to make sure I can cut mom's access to giving away funds. Else all the help mom has provided sis and grandson will bite her as a penalty period for Medicaid once she needs it.
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I do think some legal advice from an elder law attorney would be in order. Having a new account set up for Mom could also help. This is a difficult situation because when siblings are involved, a Mom will talk to one and things are one way, then if they talk to the other one, it could be entirely to their advantage. It sounds like your Mom, in trying to keep the peace, has only created a horrific situation for herself. From personal experience, having dealt with a leeching SIL for over twenty years who disrespected my Mom at every turn, begged for money every time the wind blew, disrespected my brother, and threatened to beat my A$$ in our own home the night before my Dad passed because Mom finally put her foot down to keep the SIL from physically moving Dad back to the hospital and put him on life support... (Brother and SIL had been practically invisible the entire course of Dad's illness, then at the end of his life, they decided to butt back in and try to put him on life support against my Mom's wishes)....while all of this was going on, I would try to intervene on Mom's behalf and she would cry and be upset and agree with me, then when they would get there I would try to address the matter and Mom would shush me very quickly and tell me to stay out of it...Point being, if Mom is of sound mind, there may not be a lot you can do. It is sad sad sad...I will pray for you...If sis has gone through all of Mom's money and is mistreating your Mom, she and her minions should be out of there, but if your Mom won't make them go, I'm not sure how it would happen. ALL THAT BEING SAID.....I understand your feelings and personally would want to just go in there and clean house.....and kick some behind...
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