My sister has a bad background and been made the POA for both financial and health care for Mom. Any advice?

Hi Kathy12,
I was in a similar circumstance. I second GraceH's suggestion to be in touch with Adult Protective Services. I spent a lot of time and money investigating the issue and options. My sister started off with an attorney sympathetic to her side, so set her up with the POA, executor to will, and a $6000/month 'care' salary from my parent's estate. After trying to challenge this, in the end my parent's estate attorney (different from the earler one) got concerned about the situation and had Adult Protective Services come in and do a home assessment. APS didn't like what they saw and gave my sister and her family a 10 day ultimatum to leave. She was then removed from all financial areas regarding my parent's care.

Whenever there are questions regarding the suspected abuse by another family member, it is neither wise nor helpful to anyone to be accusatory toward the person who is asking for help. After all of my 7 months last year of desperately trying to protect my mother and her assets, I know from experience that most of the time all a person has is a "gut-alert" feeling in the pit of the stomach that something is terribly wrong - but having no "factoids" to prove anything (factoids are the pieces of information that we sometimes do not have, but are the same pieces of information that would keep people like ferris1 and carebill off the accusatory track). When I suspected inappropriate advances by my mother's much younger friends, I called my mother's trust attorney and he gave me all of the needed support necessary to take care of the problem. When my mother-in-law was in the hands of my sister-in-law, and we only had "gut-alert" feelings, my husband and I began praying and by an act of God the bank uncovered the sister-in-law's years of embezzlement from her mother's accounts - and using her dead father's credit card for advances from a casino; the sister-in-law had never submitted the death certificates to the bank, etc., after her father's death. The police wanted the sister-in-law. But my husband said, no. To rectify the situation I wrote a legal-looking document which stated that the sister-in-law had removed X amount of dollars from her mother's bank account, and that amount of money would be deducted from her inheritance at the death of her mother. We made the sister-in-law sign and date it. It became a legal document which we then gave to my mother-in-law's trust attorney. The sister-in-law was immediately taken off of all legal binding documents of care for her mother, and the lawyer replaced her name with that of my husband's name. If you are not the one in the situation, do not judge others as being selfish, jealous or greedy. Back off! These situations are gut-wrenching and the last thing any of us need is to be falsely accused. An apology to Kathy12 would be a wise choice.

If you have verification (documentation) of what you are claiming, then call Adult Protective Services in your mom's county & state, and provide them with all the documentation. IF this is all true, they will be able to dissolve the poa's and also assign a court-supervised Guardian.

Shelbydoze, if what you say is true, I'm very surprised APS and the lawyers could not come to a good conclusion for your mom. But if you are co-POA, then you can un-do everything your brother does ( which is why most POA are a single person). Maybe you've gotten bad advice or incomplete, from the lawyers. If you are POA it is your duty to protect your mom and pursue justice, using a different lawyer and make another inquiry with APS, or file a claim in Family Court. I'm not a lawyer but sonething doesn't sound right with your description of the problems, and the lack of response by APS.

America is a country of freedoms and rights under The Constitution of these United States, and freedom of speech is one of those rights. The right to speak religion is a liberty and the scripture, God's prophetic word, is my freedom. So, unless the owner's policy is no mention of Scripture, I suggest you may benefit. .........

Dear Too Young For This… you are way out of bounds! You know nothing more about this situation than what is in the opening and like a few others are making some very harsh observations about someone you don't know… I'm betting there is a lot more to this situation than applies to you and your situation, and yet your answer just vibrates with an anger bordering on a rage… if that's your situation then you aren't helping and THAT is the purpose of these boards… it's one thing to have a strongly worded, very emotional rant/vent about your own situation but your comments border on bullying… .I too an a caregiver of my elderly Mom with dementia… .it is a 24/7 job and while I have days when she d*mn near shoves me over the edge, I would never denegrate someone else not dropping everything and step into the caregiving situation… .I have 3 brothers who only call once or twice a year and 2 sisters how have washed their hands of caring for Mom because of years of really bad behavior… then why am I caring for her… some days I have no idea why… caring for my mother does not make me a saint and my siblings sinners in my book… so I personally am not goung to throw stones at someone else! Just saying!

CynTobbers, we can all agree that we all want what's best for our mom's. When I read TooYoung's words I felt so sad, I could identify with what she shared about her utter sacrifices for her mom. We all know what that means for our parents, to have one of our kids cwre for us. But you're right we need to focus back on the original question (which was?....). Actualy upon further reflection, we need more information about the OP, I hope she can write an update soon, and isn't scared to do so. I have 2 sisters and 2 brothers, all many miles away, they never bother to take a burden from me for so little as one DAY.....it is quite a Journey. Sometime towards the end I know they will all be bugging me for their (little) inheritance checks.

Very well said. It sounds like too Young For This is so resentful and bitter of their own situation, that everyone else's "motives" appear to look toward the negative side. People in general have one of four kinds of internal directives in life: one who lacks the experience to be mature because of young age, one who just doesn't care, one who mocks everyone else and one who is wise. The first and the last will usually take re-directional comments and suggestions from someone else to improve. But the middle two will react with either a not caring attitude or get hateful and angry at suggestions to re-direct their trajectory. Hence, no improvement. It would do us all good to look at these 4 tracks now and then and decide which way we are leaning; a good way to reassess our own personal processing of life, especially when we are in the stressful season of care giving of a loved one. Everyone, go outside tomorrow morning, for 30 minutes, sit in a chair on the grass, take your shoes and socks off and sink your bare feet into the cool grass and appreciate God's gift of fresh air to breathe, the quiet space to think and the birds of the air who do not toil nor reap.

Let's all just take a step back and breathe. I've read the opening statement and follow-up comments, and most of the responses are valid. It amazes me at "who said, she/he said. Then judgment sets in. None of you were there and don't have all the facts. Family dynamics is an interesting thing. We all have it!

About 17 years ago, my best friend (Father) and my dear mother were admitted into the hospital for food poisoning. I, living 2 1/2 hours away, divorced and raising my son alone, would at the drop of a pin get to them or any of my family if they needed me... no questions asked. Upon talking to Dad in the hospital, he said "you do not need to come. Once convinced, I stayed home. A few hours later I received the call that Dad (while in the hospital) had a heart attack and stroke ... in a coma and it wasn't looking good. Packed quickly all I could and headed home.

It was really bad. All the illnesses, surgeries, hospital stays, I was always there. Seeing him in ICU without responding was painful. I had to be strong. Not just for me, but for Mom, siblings, etc. My faith and "The Word" helps with that and the many troubles and trials we face. Always believing he would come through this, .... but he didn't and Dad died leaving behind a widow, our Mom.

It seems that after every tragedy, things can turn for the better or things can turn worse. You see it's all in the Family Dynamics.

Daddy was loved and respected by many people. He was a good father, husband, son and brother to his family. People loved him and he had many friends. A pillar and christian leader in his church. We had a wonderfully blessed father/daughter relationship. While planning
Daddy's funeral, my siblings took on unique personalities. Drama sets in. They wanted to take a low road and through hearsay, decided with mother that certain ones in the church wanted daddy dead. The devil is going to always take a hit when it can. That day, the enemy took his best shot. Mother was already vulnerable, the siblings were weak with emotions ... one brother lived far away and had no reality of mom an dad's life, and the other two sibling (brother and sister) didn't even attend mom/dad's church to have truths other than hear-say. My siblings decided no member in the church could be on program. I thought they had lost their minds. .... I was out numbered, and only with the help from the pastor's input, a young woman/member (my sister's classmate was allowed to be program. I couldn't believe it. My siblings played on mother's vulnerabilities. After the funeral every sibling went their way leaving mother with wondering church members and friends.

Time passed and mother grew lonely and depression sets in. My sister living in the same small town, decided to have mother move in. That wasn't working too well, sister's husband wasn't too fund of that. The other brother that lives there wasn't involved in her care, and the oldest brother who lived far away was not invested either. My son and I would come and visit...and so it seemed ok. But it wasn't.

Somehow, my sister decided to become POA and Executor of mother's will. I didn't see a problem with that at all. But, people need to be careful with such huge responsibilities. You see communication, transparency, love, and prayers should be apart of every decision with sound intelligent thinking. Because if you don't, resentment, anger, jealousy, and even hate will show its ugly head. Sometimes the one who takes on responsibility will feel entitled and chooses to do as they please without informing other siblings. Then there siblings that take sides and team against the other/s. There can
be unresolved childhood issues between the siblings. One may have married well or was the favorite of the siblings. I've seen and experienced it all, my advice is .... BREATHE!
STOP THE MADNESS, THINK and ACT ACCORDING TO WHAT GOD DESIRES OF OUR OBEDIENCE. ...... Matthew 8:18-34, following
Jesus isn't always or comfortable; John 8:2-11, look at life through the eyes of Jesus - you'll see that the very things that divide us are judgmental behavior, jealousy, hatred, resentment, anger, low inner spirit and lack of
prayer with God is the what's thriving. The question is "What's more meaning under the sun/Son". Greedy people lose. Liars only deceive themselves. Haters are people who just never feel enough love.

When people do wrong, they will have to one day deal with the circumstances of the choices they make. In the meantime, life is too short. Live it while you can fully as possible. Do your part and pray for others. The high road you take will be blessed.

Hope all will be blessed.

Have a wonderful and Happy New Year

I'm not passing judgment, but worrying about the wellbeing of a parent is the ultimate sacrifice. I personally could never move far from that responsibility. Just like one wouldn't leave a diamond unattended for long periods and expect it not to go missing.

If anyone wants say in the caregiving, it's time to put up or keep quiet. You can't have 1% of the burdens and expect 99% of the say. That's just completely unreasonable. Unless there's true evidence of a crime being committed, it's a lot easier to give support than to remove your parents support without anything to take its place. That would also be selfish.