My sister has guardianship for mom and has limited my visiting. She taken me to court to stop me visiting. Will the court ask for my mum to attend court or can my sister refuse her going as she is guardian.
The hard part is over.
I'm matching you with one of our specialists who will be calling you in the next few minutes.
You also mentioned you are going in to make sure she is alright, which could translate into making sure she is being taken care of properly, and I could see where that might make the others defensive and more apt to pre-emptively strike at you too...I'd say make sure your focus could shift to going in to stay in touch, to see if there is anything you can do for Mom, to have a few enjoyable times together.
How advanced is your mother's dementia?
I really feel for you about how it must seem to you when you visit your mother - as though she's living in some kind of thought-policed dictatorship. It's very hard.
I don't know if this will be a comforting thought or the opposite. But if your mother has suffered from dementia for some years now, the reality for her is different from what you see. For example, when she says she wants to get out: she does want to, yes, but it's not a reality-based wish. Out to where? Home with you? How would she know what that would be like? The point is that not wanting to be where she is is a different thing from really wanting to be somewhere else specifically. I know it's upsetting enough to think that she's unhappy; but unfortunately that doesn't mean you could solve the problem even if you were acting with POA.
I hate the thought of a place where an older person can't swear, smoke and be rude (or for that matter have sex dangling from a chandelier) if they feel like it. You must find it terribly oppressive. But, again, if your mother's dementia is advanced she won't be suffering in the same way that she would if her mind were clear and she were being kept there against her lucid will.
I know what you mean about the feeling that your sister forgets that your mother isn't a child. It gets up my nose, too, when people talk over or talk about elderly people as if it's legitimate to ignore their right to autonomy. It's actually not even legal! But then again, neither is it a straightforward task to combine acting in a demented person's best interests with respecting their right to autonomy. All too often it's almost impossible to distinguish between the person's genuine wishes and the more bizarre ideas they may be coming out with as a result of disease. Most people, most of the time, are just doing their best to tread a very fine line.
Well. If it's your sister who is bringing the action to stop you seeing your mother, rather than your applying for increased access, your sister will have to demonstrate that your visits are detrimental to your mother's wellbeing. If you can convince the judge that you're not disruptive, you are happy to work with care professionals (not necessarily the current ones, but it would help if you were conciliatory towards them - appreciating the difficulty of the job they have to do, for example, would earn you a lot of plus points), you should be in with a chance.
Do your homework on the judge hearing your case (they don't all care for social workers, for example). Read up comparable cases. Watch your language. How long have you got 'til the hearing?
You could also call the Office of the Public Guardian (you'll find the Scots details on the same gov.uk website).
What about Social Services? Does your mother have a key worker? If they're not already involved, there's nothing to stop you asking. You could suggest that a social worker accompany you on visits to your mother to support and counsel you, for example - that would take the wind out of your sister's sails like nothing else.
What care home is your mother in? Are you happy with it, generally? - or also concerned about that? Who collated these adverse reports? And, more importantly, who requested/commissioned them?
Have you thought of the Citizens' Advice Bureau (not sure what their reach is like in Scotland)?
I'm terribly sad for you, but I think this is going to be a long and difficult process with an uncertain outcome. As you say, the important thing is that your mother is looked after. Don't forget that you can write to her, you can send her little presents, just let her know you are thinking of her. Expect them to be opened and read (she wouldn't be able to do that for herself anyway, they're not just snooping) and word them accordingly.
I understand that the restrictions placed on your visiting must get on your nerves. What do you talk to your mother about if not family?! - unless you've got a shared keen interest in stamp collecting or something. But the thing is, your mother can't help with reconciliation and thinking about the family's troubles will only distress her. The restrictions get absurdly detailed, but they are there for a reason.
What you need to concentrate on is playing nice with the Powers That Be. It'll drive you nuts, but if you don't be a Good Girl you'll get nowhere. You have to play the game. Once they're satisfied that you're not an axe-murderer or granny-beater (or, if you'll excuse me, sh1t-stirrer) they might relax a bit and give you more leeway; but don't hold your breath. And, sadly, your mother will meanwhile become increasingly disabled and you'll feel you're running out of time. It's terrible, I'm so sorry.
Don't forget there's a whole thread on this site devoted to 'the caregiver and dysfunctional families' - if you want to get things off your chest that's a very safe place to do it.
Good luck, hope you get somewhere, let us know how you're doing.