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I just found out my sister went to my father behind my back and basically told him she can take over as power of attorney. This matter was never discussed between us. My father agreed, the state he is in, he will agree to anything- he doesn't care anymore what happens and told me so. I suggested that we share POA and she flipped on me and refuses to even consider the option. My father used to talk to me about concerns he had when my sister was acting as POA over my mom and I defended her left and right. Now, though, that she is so insistent that I not be involved it is making me wonder if I have a reason to be concerned about him too. She is not even open to sitting down with someone to discuss our options together. She is more concerned with help cleaning our father's house. It IS a disaster and I have told her I would help however and whenever it is possible. My children are both 9 and 7 and my husband works night shift and weekends, so being there as often as she can be is not an option. Therefore my contributions to some of the physical labor she wants me to do is not sufficient to her. Mind you, she hasn't even given me a key to get up there when I can, so for now, I am restricted to going when she is there. All she wants of me is the help with the house. The rest is the "easy part" according to her and she does not want or need my involvement. She is getting so angry with me about this and shutting me out, it is going to damage our relationship and she doesn't seem to care. Am I wrong to be concerned?

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Why is ths situation so common? It makes me so sad. My oldest sister (cruella) had POA and joint tenancy for mom but rarely spoke to her an made it clear that she thought she should get everything when mom passed. About 8 years ago when mom was 79 she made it clear that she wanted me in charge. Cruella refused and we had to hire an attorney. Several threatening lawyer letters and $2500 later it was taken care of. Now mom has dementia and is in AL. My sisters don't even know because they haven't spoken to mom in 2 years. I couldn't imagine what a hlish nightmare is be in in I was feaking with all the legal stuff right now on top of moving mom, etc. if dad is still competent get a lawyer and sit down with him and have a serious talk. If he's not competent, hire a lawyer and ask about an incompetency hearing; that's your first step. I don't know your family, but in my experience your sisters reticence to include you spells trouble. Good luck!
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NO
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Assess your dad's daily needs, meals,htgeene, everyday caring;M GO FOR THERE.
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Setting up bill pay is a good thing ... but if you are the POA it is a good thing you should do. How did Sister have access to your mother's account?

You could create a new account for your mother, transfer all of her money into it, cancel all the bill paying out of the old account, and set it up again in the new account, without ever giving her password, etc. to other parties. You have a responsibility to protect your mother's funds from unauthorized use. Let us hope that Sister was just trying to be helpful and that she would never consider withdrawing money for herself. But hoping isn't the same as protecting against such a possibility.

Mother's account has been compromised. Set up a new one.
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My sister set up bill pay on my mothers account. Sh didn't ask for my mothers permission...but the bills had to be paid. My mother has dementia and I am my Mothers power of attorney? I have asked my sister to turn over the password and I would take over the bill pay and she refuses. What now?
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There should have been a 2nd and 3rd POA listed in the original. If someone wishes to resign their POA I don't know the legal steps. Call Legal Aid or Aging services first gather info and then when you are loaded with info get the law from an attorney. Also call the bank, a bank, .....several banks. They often know this procedure and it also comes to mind, hospitals and other places might have other requirements when the POA changes. I hope you will share the legal outcome of this so we all learn something.
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I am currently the primary caregiver for my 85 year old mother. I have 2 brothers and 2 sisters. My older sister and I were named POA's for my mother about 2 years ago. My sister is named as an "authorized signer" on mom's checking account, but I am writing out her checks and paying her bills, with Mom signing the bottom of the checks. I went to the bank to ask that I be put on as an authorized signer as well so that I could sign the checks if Mom is unable to do so. The person at the bank said that someone should be listed on the account as a "co-owner" because if left the way it is when she dies the account would be frozen and no checks could be written on the account by anyone until her estate was settled. So my mother, who was present at the bank with me, said to go ahead and put me on as a "co-owner" of the account. We needed my sisters' signature on the new signature cards and when I asked her to sign the papers she went throught the roof and said she was resigning as Mom's POA as well. Don't we need her resignation in writing? Does Mom have to do new POA papers to choose who she wants to act as her POA? I am still willing to act as her POA as I am doing everything for her at this time. Do we need to see a lawyer?
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the stealth ways of obtaining poa are sickening. Prayers to all of you.
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Woah. POA has the final say but that power should be used when their is disagreement among people as to what to do/and/or if a decision had to be made at the bedside for example. Ideally, a family would always work together no only to brainstorm options but to arrive at a best decision for a loved one. THE POA does not have to act uni latterally and can involve everyone in the family...there just must be one legal voice when decision time comes. POA's should not be acting in the ways described in this thread so I would be concerned. Mom's surgeon told me to acquire poa prior to moms difficult surgery in 07; my sister refused to talk to me so mom and I had to proceed with out her; we couldn't delay mom having surgery ....so i was named poa with sister and her husband as back ups (without their consent since they were not talking to us but it made sense for mo's 2nd daughter to have the poa)....When i notified sister i was #1 an she was #2 she became angry...but she woulnt talk to us and I guess she just figured we would sit around and wait or sit around and argue with her...no...for mom's sake we did not sit around and had poa drawn. sister hasn't spoken to us in 6 years.
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My name was on my father's POA and I knew nothing about the POA until after he passed away. My Sister never told me that she had my father's draw up one and had both our names on it. There are decisions I would have made to stop their taking advantage of him!
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suzmarie. In some twisted way it was a mixed blessing. He had been quite ill and needed a lot of in-home care which she arranged and was in an area with higher caliber hospitals. It is the covert way it was done - and to have me blacklisted regarding my own husband's care… I suspect that initially she thought it would make me go away, but it drew us closer. I happened to be with him when he decided on Hospice and the loving way he looked at me when he said "let's go home" is something that will always remain with me. The last time his daughters saw him was in our home and they were on a mission to be disrespectful to me - not to see their dad. They even left without saying goodbye. So, they USED a dying man, their father.
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So sorry about his daughter. I have a brother who lives with a lady and his daughter said to me one time that she wouldn't be able to get anything out of his house because of his girlfriend. It was a harsh realization. All you could do is speak to an attorney. Do you really want to put yourself through that though? I wouldn't unless it was a clear cut case of abuse. Personally I can live with a lawyer ripping me off a whole lot easier than my siblings.
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POA's have responsibilities. Unfortunately, I don't know what they are but I am sure that providing a monthly accounting is one of them. Google this for your state and find out. She sounds sneaky and coniving (sp) which sends up red flags for me. We usually are hiding something if we are being sneaky about something, .......i would keep on top of your LO's possessions and assets.
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She let him leave her place and return to you on Hospice? I am surprised she allowed this. I am grateful for him that he got to be at home. What an ugly mess.
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So, she was the daughter of your husband? And she wanted him to live with her and take him away from you? I am sorry is is gone. My thoughts are with you. I am so sorry you had to go thru this hell when also faced with your husbands terminal illness.

This might not be the correct time to ask, but what do you mean she and her sister will never know peace again.

Thank you and hugs to you.
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I can sympathize with you. It is most likely a warning sign of things to come. My husband's daughter actually did this to me. Not only that, but she filled out the form and listed me as someone who could NOT be an agent - all he had to do was initial…Also, a decision was made (in my absence) that he be cared for at her house. My husband had been ill for over a year and had just been diagnosed with a terminal disease. He was vulnerable and wouldn't have held up in the courts, but I let her think she had made the world a better place by doing what she did. I asked him several times afterwards who he wanted to be POA and he always chose me. We did eventually make it official, but that wasn't until he decided to come home on Hospice. May he rest in PEACE! She and her sister will NEVER know peace again.
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I don't think a poa gets paid since they are usually the same person as the executor and in our case the amount is 3 grand. My mom's lawyer tried to get me to be poa and executor but I refused since my older siblings were having issues of their own meaning bad behavior on their part and I didn't want them to think I was interested in any of my mom's assets or just generally trying to take advantage of our mother. They are fighting over a vase and some jewelry and a hanging light and some of my dad's tools. Anyway, the lawyer has both and I am his second on both. So your mom doesn't own her property? There is probably a good site that has legal answers pertaining to your state. I am in Florida. I just hate it when some family members act up. I'm the baby and I really shouldn't be having to deal with their bologne ;)
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I already have poa for my mom. do poa's get paid upon the LO death? Mom doesn't have 3k to pay me. I didn't know an attorney could be poa. i learn something new here everyday
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Not worth making yourself sick over. If your sister is doing what you suspect then she will have to live with that the rest of her life. You just don't need the stress of dealing with this stuff. That's all i'm trying to say. Sometimes we have to just let things be or we'll get sucked into a maelstrom. Praying for you!
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People will fight over all kinds of stuff from pets to dishes to cars to the kitchen sink. My mother's will cost $500 to draw up and then at her death the executor, who is the attorney, will get $3000 of her assets. It's what a family member would have gotten if they had been executor. I think that everyone has to make their own choice, but I just personally don't think that family can be trusted anymore than an attorney. It's always the last one you'd expect too!
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Careful, your opinion should make the attorneys out there very happy. As you know, they charge quite a bit for their services. There is an article on this site about a mother who did just that. It was a nightmare. The root of many problems on this site is the lack of communication, not money. Most people don't have that much money to fight over.
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I just don't believe that a family exists where siblings agree on everything pertaining to their elderly parents. It just doesn't make sense to me. All families have issues that resurface under the stress of aging parents and especially parents with assets.
The more assets the more conflict. I take care of my mother and I don't have poa. I think it is better for a good attorney to have the poa and be the executor of the will. It cuts down on alot of conflict and doesn't put one child on a pedestal. I have two siblings who rarely come see my mother. They tried to say both of my parents were legally incompetent. Turns out that my dad, who had dementia, wasn't considered incompetent because you could ask him a question and he knew what he wanted. I don't think it's that easy to find someone incompetent. Is there another family member that you could have handle all of this? Your health issues are soooo much more important than dealing with this junk. I'd call the authorities if you are concerned that your sister is taking advantage, but I can tell you that my two siblings believe that about me and it couldn't be further from the truth. Hang in there and remember in the end it's still just money.
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Also, is your father competent? I am sure he is, at least enough to decided who he wants to be power of attorney. Talk to him now, before this goes much further. Your power of attorney needs to be someone he can trust, doesn't sound as if he can trust her. Good luck
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Mams96, where do I start? This is about the dynamics of your family. Why would your father insinuate he did not trust your sister and then give her his financial POA? Why would she flip out on you for just wanting to be included in the care of your parent and have the knowledge of his finances?

I am in a similar situation. What I have learned is this. My mom likes playing these power games with her two children. My brother is on an ego trip and always has been. And I am the scapegoat of the family and always treated this way.

My advice to you is, at this point, if you are not included in at the very least calm discussions with your sister, do not clean the house or anything else. If you are not good enough to know what is going on with all parts of your father's care, then back out.

I suspect she is hiding something, or maybe she has always liked being "in control". Explain to your father how you feel and what is going on. If nothing changes, do nothing. I have tried for four years to get mom to put me on her POA as alternate in case I have to take over at some point in the future. She has only my brother on her POA and no one to fill his shoes if he dies. She refuses, even going to the point of making up lies about me as to why she won't do this.

Like the saying, "oh, what webs we weave, when we pratice to deceive." I think your sister is hiding something. Unless there is clear and open communication, back off, don't clean the house or anything else. She will use and abuse you. But like many have already said, she is in complete control and doesn't have to share anything with you. But she can be made accountable for what she spends and how she spends it. It sounds as if your relationship is somewaht like I have with my brother. As long as I defer to him and give him due respect, he is lovely. But if he is not in charge, well.......everyone look out.

In the end you have control of only you. You may not agree with me, but in my case I will do nothing until I am included and made to feel like a sister/daugher in my family. Otherwise I would feel used and that is not going to happen. Good luck.
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I think i would consider investigating if your father was competent to give poa to your sister. going behind your back sends red flags. granted she went to your father but did he even know what he was doing or agreeing to? Any wise man would have made you back up in the event something dreadful happens to your sister.
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wow on the part of a poa not being required to be accountable except to the person that granted him/her the poa. In my mother's case her AD has progressed so she can't even ask for an accounting. Something we should have all been told if we went with our parent for POA. I certainly wouldn't have minded providing an accounting. Trouble is being so busy with AD work and all that goes with it my records aren't exactly in order. They are here but don't know where yet.
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Oops ... my quoted text got in there twice. Sorry.
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You may be right, nolansk. I am not a lawyer or an expert on such matters, and I'm only going on things I've read here and elsewhere. For example, a question on the Expert Law website about how can I hold my broher who has POA for Dad accountable got this answer: "assuming that the POA is a general power of attorney covering all financial matters, there is nothing you can do to hold him accountable. If there are limitations stated in the POA and he oversteps the authority of the POA, you could file a civil action against him dealing with the specific violations."

Maybe it varies by state. I don't know! But to whom is the POA accountable, other than the person who assigns him that duty? Can any relative demand an accounting, as you understand it? Only certain relatives? What about, say a life partner? A best friend? Who is legally able to demand an accounting of how the POA is conducting the affairs?

Maybe sending a certified letter would prod someone into showing some records, so it might not be a bad tactic.





But, assuming that the POA is a general power of attorney covering all financial matters, there is nothing you can do to hold him accountable. If there are limitations stated in the POA and he oversteps the authority of the POA, you could file a civil action against him dealing with the specific violations.
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Jeannie -

I must beg to differ with your answer about the sister's legal obligations. POAs are a legal document allowing another person to act responsibly for the person who appointed them. My Mom and Dad have given me a Financial POA to act for them, and I have given my Dad and brother a POA to act for me should I be unable to act for myself. I am also ill with a condition called Fibromyalgia and have been disabled and unable to work since 2000. My condition has been in remission (better but not gone) for the past couple of years but if I'm overly stressed or physically work too hard I sleep for 24 hrs and then am able to move again. I can, if necessary really push myself if necessary to get up and help if needed, but my parents (even my Mother) know it is better for my health to let me rest.

Anyway, all that aside, MAMs96 is legally able to demand an accounting of how her sister is conducting her father's affairs. Start with a certified letter. If she does not respond to that, then go to an attorney and have him draft a demand. I'd hate to think that those actions would not make her understand, but you can take her to court. Like I said in an earlier post, if the family cannot agree on the POAl, and Dad is not competent enough to understand what is going on (and from the sound of it, he is not) then it may be better to have an outside party (usually a bank official) act on he father's behalf. Not the best way to have things happen, but it may be necessary.

MAMs, if you cannot afford an attorney, contact your County's Elder Services, they may be able to help you.

Be Well - Sue
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I would be very concerned! My sister would never let me know anything about my Mom after my Dad died & she had POA, 9 yrs later we found out she was stealing from my Mom & took over $500,00- from the trust. Now my Mom is broke. I believe at least 2 siblings should have POA & be accountable to one another~
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