How do we resolve this? She chose the home.My mom who is 101 years old moved into a nursing home 6 weeks ago. She had been living at home with my sister, who is somewhat physically challenged. Over 5 months ago, mom had a fall and needed 24 hour care and help getting in and out of the bathroom. My other sister moved in with both of them to keep mom at home. I live out of town and came twice a week to give relief to my sisters. My mom also received outside help each day.
The issue is that now that mom has moved into the nursing home, my sister insists that the 3 of us cover her waking hours at the nursing home. My sister says that the staff is not watching over mom well enough and things are not being done correctly. Also, mom has developed some type of dementia to cope with the change and becomes very agitated at meal time when we do not eat with her (she requires someone to feed her now). I feel that now that she has settled in somewhat and learned the routine, we should back off and visit outside of meal time and allow the staff to do their jobs.When the staff comes in, my mom smiles and laughs but with us she is surly. I agree that the beginning was very rough and that she was terrified of the place and what had happened but now she is familiar with it.
Some staff are better than others. That is true but there is no abuse. Some are just doing their jobs and some are more compassionate and willing to do more. I believe we are interfering with them when they are trying to do their jobs and that mom would be better to have her meals without us around to upset her.
Another thing is that I live out of town and have to drive about 50 miles round trip each day to do my "shift" which is either 8am - 12 or the dinner hour and bedtime from 4-9pm.
My sister refuses to listen and even try to back off even by 1 meal. She says if I won't come, she will have to do it herself and would I just leave my mom alone as if I was subjecting her to torture.
Does anyone have experience with this type of situation? I am going crazy and have no life left.

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This is madness.

Stop it. Stop jumping when she gives an order. Stop driving 50 miles round trip to 'do your shift' .

I don't know what to advise except your sister sounds mentally ill. What is she going to do if you refuse to go along with her craziness? What does your other sister think, is she going along with it?

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I think your analysis of your sister is spot on. She's feeling guilty that she wasn't able to keep mom at home and still wants to control every aspect of her life (and yours). You're wise to bow out of that.

I doubt your sister will listen to reason, she's beyond logic if she believes you have to have family there all day, every day. So just set your limits and stick to them. Your sister will melt down at some point, because she's trying to do the work of two shifts. She needs counseling, but I doubt she'll see it that way.
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With the way your sister wants it, there is no point to even have her in a facility. Might as well just have her at home with a strong man to do some lifting. I would tell your sister that she's a bit beyond, and that if she thinks someone should be there all the time, then she is welcomed to do it... but that you're going home to your family and visiting Mother on (choose the days).
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Your sister is a control nut and needs some help. Not help from you, help from a psychiatrist. You don't have to give in to her rants, visit your mom when you are able. If she gets abusive hang up, block her calls whatever it takes to separate yourself. You aren't doing your mom any favours, Mom will never settle in if you are there all the time, and staff will naturally not bother to come to her if family is always there to do it first or criticize.
Helpful Answer (5)

My sister is just very bossy and a control freak. Everything must be done her way. I think in someway she is angry at herself for not being able to keep mom in her own home.
Helpful Answer (0)

Does your sister have dementia or other mental issues?

We can really only make decsions regarding out own behavior, but i agree with your reasonong about the fact that mom will get decent care at the facility. No sure what you can do about sister's behavior aside from telling her that you don't agree with her.
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