I moved both parents to an ALF a few months ago. Dad used to be an estate planner, so he had all of their wishes documented years ago. He gave me copies which I have been keeping. I have one sister who never showed much interest.

My sister however is my parent’s beloved child. They made her Executor and trustee successor. She never even held copies of it. We are both DPOA after each spouse as each others primary. I am patient advocate. I realized someone needed to help pay their bills, so was working to get them to add my name on their accounts. To do so, the bank said I needed to bring in both of them to sign papers. To say the least, it has been a challenge to get them both on a good day to get them to the bank.i told my sister about this weeks ago. She said she did not want the financial responsibility. I figured I would get this finalized for myself and kept my sister out of my plans.

I had talked to an attorney after moving parents to the ALF about how to prevent my sister from taking things over. I did not trust her. He said I had to get on their accounts, have parents remove my sister as POA (unlikely) or have a doctor declare them both incompetent. Dad has been clear enough where I did not think any doctor would deem him incompetent. It left me with only one option - to get myself added on their accounts.

Two weeks ago the ALF informed dad’s CHF got worse and he should go to ER. We told our dad, and he said he did not want to go. I said I supported dad’s decision and my sister said she agreed. I said I would get hospice involved, and I had been scheduling an evaluation later this week. I informed my sister.

Yesterday my sister started repeatedly texting me that we need to revise their POA to remove them as having each other as their primary. She told me to give her the documents I had. I refused. She then drove over to my house and texted me to bring the papers out to her. I replied no. She left.

I went to visit parents last night and ran into her. She said she was just leaving after spending four hours there having her attorney revise “all of their paperwork”. I asked which ones, she just replied “everything”. She angrily said it cost more money because I did not give her the papers I had. She also casually said she was taking dad to ER tomorrow. I asked if dad said he wanted that, and she said she never talked to him, it is just what she is doing. She also said all the plans parents made with their pre/paid funeral are too far away and it will be easier if we bury them closer. The cemetery they wanted is a veteran’s cemetery one hour away. I told her, no, we are keeping things as planned. She just smirked and walked off.

My sister shows no regard for our parents, their wishes, or my efforts. She agrees with me, then changes direction. This feels like a hostile take over. I am utterly no longer able to remain working with her to the benefit of our parents.

I can only assume she enjoys exploiting a vulnerable situation. She enjoys feeling in control over something. I told my dad when they moved into the ALF that I did not trust my sister and to be on guard. It was obvious he just does not get it.

I feel like this situation has come to a conclusion. I just wanted peace for my parents and some dignity. I feel like this is now just a sad circus.

in some ways I feel like I failed. I tried to follow their plan, I played by the rules. However I just got run over by a steamroller. I sort of feel like “evil” won out here.

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When death is looming, most people no longer care about their last wishes and where they're buried and feuding siblings. Earthly things no longer matter to them, just to the feuding siblings. What the parents cared so deeply about 20 or 30 years prior when they wrote their estate plans so carefully, all go up in smoke when their lives are flashing before their eyes.

It doesn't matter to THEM like it does to YOU. Let your sister do as she wishes, act greedy and spiteful or whatever she's up to, while you spend as much time with your parents as possible. Once we're gone, we don't care at all about where we're buried or whether the coffin is lined with silk or theres no coffin at all. The memories you'll have with your parents last forever and count most.

When my dad was dying, my mother was carrying on about how expensive it was to be living in the AL. Dad blew up at her, although he'd been a very frugal man his whole life. "Who the hell CARES about money?" he roared.

I'm sorry you're going thru such a thing. Sending you a hug and a prayer for peace and strength right now.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to lealonnie1

POA does not give you "power" over people who are still competent.

Immediate means as soon as Mom and Dad sign those papers, the POA is in effect. But even then, I considered it a tool to help my Mom when she needed it and it bypassed having the need for a Doctor to declare incompetence. If Mom could still make decisions, I did not interfer.

Springing, needs a doctor or doctor's to declare incompetence.

If your sister gets Financial POA for both parents, she would then have all the financial responsibility for using your parents money to pay their bills. She needs to keep maticulous records and cannot use your parents money on herself. Thats a conflict of interest. You also have a right, as beneficiary of the Will to ask for an accounting of how she spent your parents money while POA.

As said POA needs to be signed, witnessed and notarized to be viable. I never understood Geatons reasoning that a sibling does not have a right to ask for proof that another sibling holds POA. You have to show the bank, a doctor, a hospital, a facility but not a sibling?
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to JoAnn29

Sorry that you are dealing with a toxic sibling relationship on top of the stress of caring for your parents. It is hard enough without this.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to Hothouseflower

It certainly is true that as we age, we should not be our spouse's PoA. But I'm not sure what your sister was able to do in their home...? Was an attorney actually there? Because to finalize even a "DIY" PoA off the internet, it needs to be signed in front of a notary with 2 non-family witnesses.

Also, the PoA is not obligated to show the documents to anyone as proof. This causes no end of problems for people. But, you can have an attorney write a letter informing sister that if she doesn't prove she is actually the "new" PoA then it will go before a judge and she'll be forced to show it then. The point of having her show it is to make sure she actually is legally the new PoA but also to prove that one or both parents was too incapacitated at the time they created the docs, which would make them void.

You may wish to consider guardianship. Did your Dad include a Pre-Need Guardianship in any of his paperwork? Hopefully he named you... If you choose to pursue this it will be messy for a while but then will get settled. If you choose to let it go, no one will blame you. It's not your fault. It's ok to feel grief, just please don't feel guilt.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to Geaton777
TopsailJanet Jul 10, 2024
In NC you need a notary, but not two witnesses for financial POA. Healthcare POA does require 2 witnesses, not a lot of sense to that. I guess it depends on the state.
I’m sorry. Often the aggressor and most insistent gets their way. My unreasonable sibling was removed by our dad as POA and executor after he made loads of dumb financial moves in his own life, dad no longer trusted him. When it was time for me to act, he made a lot of noise about taking over and doing things his way. Ultimately he ran out of steam, just not motivated enough to bother. I’ll be hoping that happens for you. Your parents are blessed to have you in their corner, whether they ever see it or not
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to Daughterof1930

Apple , I'm so sorry, I believe your right about it all being about control.

I'm having similar issues and realized it's also about control.

When we are doing what we want is best for are parents, the golden child just wants control.

I so get it and it just plan sucks

The only way evil can win is if they suck the happeness out of you, so my plan is not to let my brother do that. I think he hates that I have a great life.

As for the burial, that seems really wrong, they should be in the veterans cemetery, if that was the plan, and I'm pretty sure that's free. It is at ours.

Best of luck, I'm so sorry
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to Anxietynacy

Sorry but this is your parents fault for giving your sister all the power and control over them.

Unfortunately there is not much you can really do about it. I don't get why parents always seem to trust the wrong child aka the golden one.

You didn't fail, your parents failed you.
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to anonymous1768885
Anxietynacy Jul 10, 2024
SP, thank you, for that also. I'm really grappling with this same issue. That really hits home.

That it's actually my mom that has failed me, by having a chosen one, that doesnt help but has all the power. This was moms choice!

Those words really helped me this morning.😔
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