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I was back home in Boston area from Sept 17 until Oct 18. My dad was declining quickly, and I needed to get there to help with the last few days. The hospice people were great, and it was a peaceful and exactly as the nurse described. My mom has ALZ and I were standing beside his bed and I had just told them I love them both and that was it, no more struggle to breath. My mom only understood that MY dad passed away. I'm not sure how much she understood, because she didn't know who he was anymore.
My younger sister has lived in my parents house her whole life. She is beneficiary and POA and all the other necessary acronyms. The problem is she will not assist my mom with hygene. My older sister 'works' there 2 days a week, my dad was happy to pay her, and she would do housekeeping. Now that dad is gone, Nancy is reluctant to pay my older sister, and she does not make my mom change her depends. So she wore the same diaper for 3 days. When I stayed there I was kinda grossed out by the fact, we only change her in the mornings. But being the absent sibling, i did as i was told and didn't rock the boat. I know we are working with the local council on aging for assistance. i pray that happens sooner, but it is a process and paperwork is involved. My younger sister is not the most diligent about paperwork. She works a full time job, and is deaf. She is NOT happy with the status quo, but I am here in AZ she is there in Mass. She will not wear hearing aides which was totally frustrating for me when i was there because she is difficult to communicate with.
I know mom's personal hygene is important, and my sister Sue said there was feces in the bathroom trash can and in her depends. when she changed her on Tuesday morning. She was wearing the same clothes and diaper from last week. I guess my question is how can I help my family from here?
Oh yeah there is an older brother as well, he is not helpful either.
Sue also says mom is not getting out of bed, she has to go in and get her out of bed. as far as sleeping, while i was visiting, she would go to bed about 8:30 pm and get up around 9-11 am. some nights she would get up and wander, i could feel her presence in the room i was sleeping in a few times. on the day she was destructive she didn't sleep and had a fall and hurt her back. I should have called 911 and had her taken to the hospital, and from there she could have gone to the NH for the medicare 90 days. I was told by a friend of hers from her high school days, that i should call and get her taken to the hospital the day after. saying she hit her head and she wasn't acting right....I was totally overwhelmed, why should I be the one to make sure mom gets into a nursing home. I had to get the hospital bed and the livingroom set up for my dad's passing. now that i am home here in AZ i do wish i had called and got her put into the hospital so the NH process could have started. why is it so expensive for health care for alzheimers. when my dad was alive there was too much income, and with just my mom's pension there would be a 50% co-pay.
As i try to complete the details, i would like to say thank you for the support. I first joined this site when i had my FIL here recovering 2 1/2 years ago. And i still read posts and the articles. thank you

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Yes, peglyhubba, indeed we may. Which is why every day I think of Mrs DoAsYouWouldBeDoneBy and the even more dreadful Mrs BeYouDoneByAsYouDid…

Not that I'm not still crabbing at my poor mother, mind you! x
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I am so happy to give a great report, Mom is doing very well in the structured environment of the NH. She is warm, happy, well cared for, clean, so many adjectives. A relief for all involved family, mom had her life long friend visit last week and she says she sees a big difference in attitude.
On the other hand my sister and i went to an Alzheimers seminar given by a local NH with a well known Dr of neurology. I am bummed out about my chances of this dreaded disease, taking a hold of my brain. I tried to get genetic numbers, but he would say maybe they(old aunts on mom's side, and moms mother) didn't die of alz, it was a different dementia, and he would not be precise about the mysteries that may cause or contribute to the disease. because the doctors don't know why the plaque starts and more research is needed.
One of the men in the audience brought up the question of previous drinking to excess.{friends of Bill W} The doctor didn't really focus on past drinking links as a possible cause, he just was adamant about nobody should drink to excess. A glass of wine every day is okay....
His basic synopisis was stay active, be active, use your brain, eat right, keep your BP in check, do exercise of some form regularly, join a group, do not isolate and KEEP ACTIVE !

then you still may get it.....
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peglyhubba, thank you so much for the update. It sounds like you may be able to get the needed care for Mother without alienating the rest of the family. Good for you!

Please continue to update us. We care.
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Update, I talked to my sister that is living in the home with my mother. Mom is having a lazy day, not as agitated as usual. She is getting the paperwork sorted out and we have an appointment with the primary care for a cognative assesment.
I got a list of the local nursing homes close to 'home' and forwarded the list to the live in sister. We have a dialog going and I think that is the best place to start for my Mom. She can express her desires, but I do have her back. We will get this worked out.
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Nightmare! Jeanne is right - it's falling to you because you're capable and you care. Your mother's needs just aren't being met, you'll feel so much better when you know they are. Worry about your sisters' feelings later if you still want to. Good luck.
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Long-distance caregiving is possible, and it seems that your instincts are on target . . so go for it. But first, it is helpful if you have at least some legal authority to take immediate action. Is there any way the POA can add you to the your mother's POA as "alternate Attorney in Fact?" (Ask Elder Affairs and Legal Aid.) This would provide a path for you to direct your mother's care and deal with all of the agencies involved. An "alternate Attorneys in Fact," may act whenever the POA is unavailable, unable, or unwilling. The POA will also need to send a copy of the POA doc and a letter, e-mail, or fax to the hospital or agency involved, that specifies the names of those who may act on behalf of your mother and POA. Finally, a family member can take your mother to an E.R. at any time so she can evaluated and transferred directly to a nursing home. (You can always have her transferred to a different nursing home, once you've had time to find the best one.) Caregiving from a distance can also be facilitated by (1) Making phone calls, (2) Finding a way to legally share caregiving authority with the POA, (3) Researching care options in your state, and reading reviews of local nursing homes ...Google is your friend, (4) Asking competent nurses and social workers for guidance, (5) Coordinating in-home care via phone, fax, and e-mail. (6) Paying bills using online banking. (7) Sending personal care items and clothing. However, the most immediate concern for your mother and you is this: "IF" someone in your family does not take prompt action, your mother's care can be turned over to a state-appointed guardian, which can forever revoke any decision-making authority your family currently possesses. Follow your instincts, find a way to get your mother and her surroundings cleaned up, and try to convince your sister (POA) to take your mother to an E.R. or family physician a.s.a.p. In the meantime, know that all of us here are sending strength to you and your family during this difficult time.
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I have a similar situation, though closer (268mi going through CANADA) travel @ five and a half drive time. If you have contacts in the Boston, Massachusetts area, check on 'in home care.' Having a certified Home Care service (person) would be less expensive then a Nursing Facility. As fortune would have it, I was able to contract with a certified person, that accepted to job. That person is there five or six days, from 15:00-23:00. An agency in Western NY will charge upwards of twenty-five ($25) dollars per hour, while paying an actual wage of fourteen ($14) per hour to the 'actual' staffer. Those cost are 'allowed' under 'Federal' law as part of a 'spend down so that your Mother could qualify for Medicaid, when she needs a Nursing Home 24/7/365. There are Senior Companions on Monday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday fro 10:00-14:00, which are provided at non-cost factor.

A Nursing Home (NH) is the last place I'd want my Mother to be. Unless it is totally different in your Mother's area, NH are under staffed & underpaid, which shows in the facility and it's staffing. That has been the case in Western New York. To most of the 'agencies and NH' it is, as you would expect, all about the bottom line and there are but few exceptions. Due diligence is an absolute most; that well require time....though time well spent.
If what you say is true "had her taken to the hospital, and from there she could have gone to the NH for the medicare 90 days." After that ninety (90) days what happens? What happens in Western NY(WNY) is that if 'No one comes to pick, her in this case, then the person is transferred to a NH and then become a ward of the state as an indigent person. At that point it will be difficult for any family member to do a damn thing about it. If you feel that your siblings, esp. your sister, is not concerned with Mothers needs and care, Senior Protective Services has the power to remove your Mother, and they will if her health and safety is at risk, no question, no hesitation......PERIOD

My situation, as surely is yours, is stressful and increases almost daily. Having three other remaining siblings that are not willing to be involved, is taking it's toll. When it's all said and done, I know that what I've done will be what was best for our Mother....that's what counts.
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What you explain is painful to even read. Although caretaking isn't the greatest job in the world, it's vital to someone's existence! It sounds like it's time to get your Mom into a facility. Do whatever is necessary to get your Mom in a facility and preserve her dignity.
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thank you for your honesty. I have been up and on the phone to the East coast today, I spoke with our rep at the local elders services. She connected me to a lady in protective services. I then called my sister, the one that does care for mom, she took notes of things our Elder svcs rep told me about. This situation will change, pun intended.
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Why should you be the one to get the NH process started? Because apparently you are the one who cares, who sees the situation objectively, and are capable of taking action. Hey, life's not fair.

Mom being the same disposable underwear a whole day, let alone for multiple days, will lead to a uti and/or skin problems. She does not deserve this. She is not getting the care she needs. No point in handing out blame, just get the situation changed.

It is too bad she didn't get to the hospital when the opportunity arose. No point in stressing over the blame for that either.

Just go forward and get the job done for her. She needs someone to advocate for her, and fair or not, it seems you are it.
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