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On Monday, my grandmother had her other knee replaced and was released to a rehab center on Thursday. When we visited her 3 hours after her arrival, the complaints started. The decor sucked, she couldn't have a walker or wheelchair, the TV channel selection sucked (even though there was cable, she wasn't able to watch her precious Fox News), it was full of old people. My response was, "It's not the Ritz, but rehab for old people like you. You gotta wait for tomorrow morning to see if the physical therapist says it's okay to have a wheelchair or walker." Then she goes on to say that she is only staying there 7 days. My mother cuts in saying that if she decides to leave, she has to set up to have nurses help her at least 8 hours a day and we won't be able to come over everyday due to my dad's chemo, maybe once a week for a couple hours. After talking to somebody else, she was horrified that we couldn't take care of her. She was saying that we are abandoning her and that's against the law and we are honor bound to take care of her. I brought her up short and told her that it's only abandonment if we had POA or guardianship (which we don't have) and with how badly we have been treated by her in the past, we are not honor bound to care for her. I asked her if she bothered to help her brother with taking care of her mother. The answer was no, they live in England. My retort was, instead of jetting off to Costa Rica or all these cruises, she could have gone to England to help instead. What makes her think that we are abandoning my grandmother? She is still competent and can make her own desicions.

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FF, I too, had a parent who took aging in stride, and more to the point, never expected her children or grandchildren to give up their lives or livelihoods to "dance attendance" on her, as she would have said.

Elders can we grumpy--hey, I'm grumpy just from some very minor arthritis, poor night vision and the like. But I would never in a million years expect my children to fix those issues for me.
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Evermore, when it comes to aging, it can be easy or become really hard. I was lucky my Dad took aging in stride, he would even joke about it. My Mom, totally opposite, heaven forbid any doctor telling Mom that what was ailing her was due to aging !! My gosh she was 98.

We need at time to put ourselves into Grandmother's shoes. Sounds like her hubby has passed, thus the love of life is gone :( Clothes are either too small or too large. One's shoes become too tight after 4pm due to swelling. We don't go to the hair dress much because there isn't much hair left to do anything with....

Most of our best friends have either moved or passed away. No more hopping in the car to meet friends for lunch, or to go shopping by yourself. Every bone in your body aches. You can't see as well, and CANT HEAR.

TV is lousy, cannot relate to any of the new shows, and so much violence. You can only see movies on Turner Classic Movie just so many times until you know the script by heart. And we haven't had a good President since Ike. And the new crop of young doctors, who look like Doogie Howser to an elder, don't know what they are talking about.

Yikes, I would be grumpy, too.
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Evermore, send your mother here to read a bit about how to set boundaries. I hope the home care assessme team were able to see grandma's difficulties and will assign workers to her.
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I have no freaking clue to why my mother picked her up and took her home. I was at work when this all went down, so I don't know if my mother let them know that she would be alone after 5pm and that there would be no one to care for her.
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Mom made a mistake in taking Gma home, she should have let her find her own way home!
Gma's plan was for your mother to take her to mom's house and wait on her hand and foot.
A week after a knee replacement you can't do much for yourself. Your are dependent on a walker to move around and get to the bathroom. You need help with bathing. Two hands on walker mean you can't carry food or drink even a short distance. Can't do laundry, answer the door, pick up the mail, go to the Dr. or go to the pharmacy to pick up pain meds. The list goes on and on. No that is not what Gma planned. "Someone was supposed to stay with her or take her to their own home to provide TLC at no cost to Gma.
Shame on rehab for letting her leave without notifying authorities what she was about to do, but then her exit was facilitated, they probably were told the family would step up.
Let us know what happened. I for one am dying of curiosity, but then I am a nosy old woman.
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Why on earth did your mother pick her up?

Did your mom not go to be with grandma during the needs assessment? You do realize that she told the woman everything was fine and she had no need of help, right? And that she most likely said "oh, I have family who will do that for me!"

Is your mom willing to keep up the charade of grandma's "independence" at the expense of her own life?
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Good for you for sticking to your guns! GMA is going to “large and in charge” herself right out of help from anyone. She probably thinks she’s back in the 1800’s when every family had a Matriarch, the mother of the family who ran the show. Not so, now.

Crabby grandma needs to realize she better play nice or she’s in big trouble.
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On Thursday, my grandmother decided that she was going to check out of the rehab and go home. My mother took her back to my grandmother's home. The rehab center said that they would send someone (don't know who) to her house for a needs asessment. The lady said that she left a message for my grandmother saying what time she would be at her house and left a message for my mom. I had let my mother know about the message she left on our answering machine. We haven't heard anything about what happened with the asessment. Mom and I had a good laugh with it though. We have caller id and when I saw the name Yoko, I immediatly thought of Yoko Ono. So it's the real watch and wait now.
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This is not abandonment - even if you had POA/guardianship, it would not be abandonment. She is trying to manipulate you and you are wise not to get into this issue at all. Dad with Chemo needs you. Grandma is safe, whether she likes it or not.
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Yes the decor is not pretty and the other residents are all old but then so is GMA. TVs in facilities rarely have more than handful of channels. Don't know why she cant have a wheelchair but that is up to the PT. She is probably a 2 person assist from bed to chair which is for her own safety. Doubt that will change during her stay. Wait till the rehab actually starts and hear her scream about how the PT is abusing her,making her feel worse and wants to get out of that place and go home where she will do nothing and the knee will freeze up which of course will not be her fault.
I think Medicare only covers three weeks but I am not sure about that but 7 days is definitely not long enough.
Not sure I agree with Barb that this is agitation and anxiety, it sounds more like being mad because she can't get her own way which is to sit home and have everyone wait on her hand and foot. However having said that some medication of the tranquiizing variety may make her more compliant.
I do have sympathy with her if she still has all her marbles it is very depressing to be stuck in a facility with a bunch of residents who sadly can no longer participate remind her that she is there for rehab and will get out the sooner she works hard at her PT.
Can you bring her in something to replace the TV. Can she manage a laptop? If so she can come to aging care and whine!
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Get the geriatric psychiatrist at the rehab to visit and evaluate her anxiety and agitation.

No, you are not abandoning her. You are refusing to give her substandard care.
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As long as Granny is being cared for, there's no abandonment, whether or not you have POA or guardianship. She doesn't get to insist that she be taken care of at home by particular family members. She probably needs to stay in rehab longer than 7 days. Recovery from knee replacement isn't so easy for older people. My mother had a knee replaced at 78 and was in rehab for 6 weeks.
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Hi Evermore
Clearly it is not abandonment (and wouldn't be even if you had POA). She seems to be full of anxiety at the loss of control that being in this new environment is bringing. I agree with the advice here. Visit if you can, bring a flower or some candy wish her well and off you go. We can only control our reactions to others, not their behavior. I would encourage your mom not to engage in argumentative back and forth.
Smile, say "oh, I'm sorry you are upset with______" nod your head and then wrap it up and go.
The smile and "oh, I'm sorry ______ is bothering you" approach takes the wind out of the complainers sails. If you argue she feels the need to come up with more complaints.
Best of luck,
Margaret
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It's not abandonment.

Also, you can't both refuse to give people any authority to act for you AND insist that they take responsibility for you. One or t'other. She chose the former.

But, hey, it's fine. She's safe in rehab and going nowhere until there's a discharge plan that you make sure you and your mother are NOT included in. Take grapes, give her a kiss, run like the wind. If she wants to catch you she'll have to work bloody hard at that PT, won't she?
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Sounds like you have it right. I hope you and mom can stick to your position and no one else falls victim to her threats. Hopefully she can get the rehab she needs.
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