I love my Mother. She has always lived with me. She feels neglected and gets really depressed if we want alone time. She talks bad about my husband. We bring her with us everywhere and when we don’t that is when she becomes a passive aggressive covert narcissistic. She can’t live on her own. I don’t want her to move out since she will never survive alone. Any suggestions

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I don’t want to trivialise things, but when you say ‘I don’t believe in Senior Citizen Homes’, it makes me think of TinkerBell in Peter Pan: ‘Every time someone says “I don’t believe in fairies, another fairy dies” ’. All those facilities go Pouff? Wouldn't it be great if the need for them also went Pouff?
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You are correct, thank you. I am starting to walk away :)
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J10473, just curious as to why you don't believe in senior citizens homes?

My own Dad made the choice on his own that it was time for him to move to senior living. The place he went was built like a hotel, and the lobby looked like a hotel. Dad had a really nice apartment with large living room and full-size kitchen. The monthly rent included weekly housekeeping, weekly linen service, and meals in the restaurant style dining room, it was menu style. Dad used the equity in his house, when it was sold, to pay for the monthly rent.

Dad felt like he was on vacation every day :) And oh how he loved being around people from his own generation. They have so much more in common. And Dad liked eating his meals with his male buddies.

I have noticed just by reading the postings on the forum that any time a parent moves in with an adult child or adult child moves in with a parent, the adult/child dynamics comes out. Once again your Mom is the adult, and once again you are the child. That is one reason she doesn't like your husband. In Mom's eyes you are still a teenager, and how dare you have a man living in your home.

Also, I believe the family doesn't help is because if they did, they would be enabling your Mom to continue to live with you.
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J10473 Jun 2019
Yes, you are correct about the family. Since I am the youngest they want me to take care of our Mother. With regards to a senior citizen home, I believe it's a culture thing. I
Divorce you mom! Let her feel neglected and depressed. She needs to grow up emotionally. It's past time that you leave and cleave emotionally away from mom to your husband.
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J10473 Jun 2019
I am trying. thank you
You must have dated before u married? You didn't take her everywhere then? You are entitled to ur happiness. So saying that, boundary time.

The only way Mom can break up ur marriage is if u let her. DH knew the situation going in and he still married you. He is willing to take her with you most of the time. Really, she is a lucky womam. I know the passive-passive-aggressive thing. My MIL was good at it. TG my husband didn't fall for it.

Its how you say things that may help. Like "Mom, I have made you dinner early tonight because Dan and I are going out to dinner later" No, "alone together". Just u are going out. No room for argument there. (Not saying she won't) But if u say "Mom, I hope u don't mind, but I am giving u dinner early tonight because Dan and I are going out to dinner" Of course she minds and she will be verbal about it. There is no compromise here, you and your husband are going out. As long as Mom can care for herself and there is no Dementia, a little alone time won't hurt her. I there is Dementia, hire someone to sit with her.

Its like my DH asking our girls, under the age of 10. "Would u like to go to Uncle John's" Really, it doesn't matter what they want, they have to go to Uncle John's because they can't be left alone and I AM going. You can't ask the question "do you" when there is no option.

Like a child, you r just going to have to let Mom pout. Don't play into it or ur giving her the upper hand. When she starts, walk away. You don't need to be constantly explaining yourself. If she says she is no longer happy there, play her bluff. Say you r sorry to hear that. You would hate to see her leave but if she would like an AL better you could together start looking for a nice one. It would give her people to socialize with and activities. Tell her to think about it and walk away. Always walk away. If she is capable, she should be doing as much as she can for herself. Don't play into her demands.
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