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Hello. Well my 94 year mother came out of the hospital after pneumonia and a urinary tract infection and into a nursing home for long term care. And after a few days in the nursing home they are recommending hospice! She is really in a bad way. Barely eats, dementia, can't hear well, stenosis, her oxygen is low, and blood pressure is low.

And the strange thing is the day she went into emergency for pneumonia, that afternoon I was visiting with her and she could carry on a conversation and walk, all very normal, just mild dementia!

I am the only family member and I feel like I've been run over by a tank several times. It's all very traumatic for me. I don't know what to do for my mother and how to handle the emotions. The nursing home is very good, highly rated. I wish she would pass on soon. I know she is suffering.

Can anybody give me some advice please?

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Your anticipatory grief is absolutely normal. There is nothing "wrong" with you, and you don't need to be "fixed." But talking about your feelings with a professional who understands may help you to better cherish whatever time your have left with your mother. Hospice offers a social worker and a chaplain. Would you be comfortable talking to either of those? Or ask for a referral to a therapist well-acquainted with anticipatory grief.

Both my mother and my husband had dementia and neither one ever lost their ability to recognize loved ones. Your mother might, or she might not. Each case is different. Dealing with the losses that exist each day is more than enough to cope with. Try not to borrow trouble that may or may not happen in the future.
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My advice would be to call in hospice care. They will not only help your mom, but also help you cope.

My mother went on hospice care in her nursing home after the hospital stated that she would not live a week. Three months later she "graduated" off hospice, and lived another 2 years.

I don't mean to give you false hope. I am trying to reassure you that hospice is not a death sentence. People die on their own timeline. Hospice won't make it happen sooner -- they will just help with the process the body is going through on its own.
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Bloom, in addition to Jeanne's great synopsis of why hospice would be beneficial, may I add the following. In my area, those on hospice have an aide for 2 hours a day; 5 days a week. This special attention should give your Mom extra help. I had my Mom's hospice aide come to the facility from 12 - 2. I typically visited in the morning and kept my Mom company. Then the aide would come and help my Mom through lunch and she would wheel my Mom around the facility and get different outside views. It was another set of eyes on Mom. In addition, the hospice nurse visited weekly and then more frequently as things declined. The spiritual director visited too. I felt like it gave my Mom more 'one on one' time with a variety of individuals. Most hospice workers are extremely kind and caring. They are saints!
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Sorry to hear about your mother and the anticipatory grief that you are experiencing as she declines. I'm also sorry to hear how your sister is not dealing with this.

You probably could use something for your nerves so that you can talk about your feelings with the hospice support person. If not, you will end up turning these feelings inward which will drive you into a deep depression and you want to avoid that. If the support you get from Hospice is not enough, consider seeing a therapist to help you in your journey through this. You might not feel like it, but you will live through this. I will be praying for you.
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I want to thank everyone for their answers and support. My mom passed on March 15, 2017 at about 10:55pm. She was 94 year old, would have been 95 on March 27. I look forward to seeing her again when its my time. I am sort of numb about everything having been grieving for about a year when I first noticed her changing. It's been a very tough year. I've had it easier than many people. My mother went into the hospital on February 25, and from that day onward it was a steady decline. I am sad she is gone, happy that she is in the next world, and grateful she went fairly fast so as not to suffer too greatly. Again, thanks to everyone who has helped me.
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Thanks, she is in hospice now. And after the shock of them telling me she should be in hospice has worn off a little bit, I find it comforting that they are helping her and offering me support. But I gotta say, I am devastated that she is dying. Everyday I cry and grieve. I find myself crying and screaming in my car driving. It just overcomes me. I haven't visited her in a couple of days because its so hard to see her declining. It's killing me slowly. I have no family to help. My sister, whom I managed to locate and call, told me she doesn't care if mom dies, doesn't care about me and wants us out of her life, and a few other nasty things. So I said goodbye and all the best to her and hung up the phone. With moms dementia, I don't even know if she'll know me after awhile. She thinks her deceased husband is alive and points to a guy in the nursing home as her husband. Which I think is ok. Plus I find myself holding my emotions back when visiting as it is a public place. The emotions are so strong in me that they come out uncontrollably strong. I just weep and weep and weep, and scream when in the car. Hospice is going to give me support but I find it hard to express these feelings. I wonder if I should get some tranquilizers from my doctor to help. Thanks.
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bloomschool,
So sorry for your loss. You seem to have all the right thoughts. It is so hard to see them suffer. She lived a very long life and you had a mother you were connected with and that is such a blessing. You will be okay. Time won't make it go away but the sadness will slowly lift and you will remember the good times. You need a long rest but don't stay too isolated. Get out and walk and breath. Get good sleep. Eat healthy. A big hug to you.
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I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your mom. We are so connected to our parents it is so difficult to see them go. Yes it feels like a part of us has died with them, but with time you will find that you still carry her with you - through little things you do everyday. Physically she's not here, but now she's with you in spirit and you will never lose her. God Bless.
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Thank you all so much. Today my friends and you all were supportive to me for which I am grateful. Today was hard emotionally, up and down. I do wish for one me hug from her and a chance to have one more talk. I do look forward to seeing signs from her. Yes, the hurt is so very deep, but I am grateful she didn't suffer as long as some people do, and grateful its all over.
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Bloomschool, I'm so sorry to read of your mother's sudden decline and passing.

Some people you talk to, uninformed people anyway, may find it strange that the death of a nearly 95 year old lady can come as a shock. But please do take extra care of yourself. Your mother's sudden decline, the extreme change from talking and smiling to being so ill, and your sister's adamant hostility, must have been a series of dreadful blows for you. You had no time to prepare yourself for any of it.

Grief counsellors are used to people who find it difficult to find words. Don't let that stop you reaching out for their help.
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