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My father is in a nursing home, they have 5 children and mother visits him daily. The children do visit weekly at least twice if not more a week. Do know that both parents age 88 and 84 can be forgetful, but they use the pity card also, tell false information that is not true. They will say a sibling does not come around and visit, thus the sibling they are telling this information to believes this information and thus humiliate that sibling in front of others without the correct facts but then does not apologize. Our parents think that their children should come visit daily at the nursing home, as of now this is our fathers permanent home, his health is good, etc. All of their children make weekly visits, go to Dr. appts. etc., but just wished they knew not to believe everything they are told or at least verify the facts they are concerned about before making accusations in front of strangers where you look bad and embarrassed and thus unable to apologize afterwards for being misinformed on information they were given. It is just amazing how your parents treat their children differently, not knowing that they are causing conflict/resentment between their children and not realizing it. We all love and care for each-other, share in the responsibilities of care-giving. But since our father entered the nursing home it has brought so much stress/anxiety on all of us, that it is nearly impossible to communicate on a friendly basis, if you make a phone call instead of hello, it is "what do you want". Just wish family would get back to way it was before this, not saying it was perfect then, but lots better..

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Callie, you are your own best advocate. If you conduct yourself in a way that is above reproach, no matter what anyone says about you, those they’re speaking with will not believe them.

I am an only child and I know my mother would say bad things about me to others. I never really knew what she said or to whom, just that she tended to target me with her nasty remarks. So, whenever I was around people who also knew her, I was always very friendly and kind. I once heard her say something to a nurse at her facility and the nurse said, “Oh, now you know that’s not true!” She was defending me to my mother! Don’t worry so much about what other people think. It’s not that important as long as you’re ok with yourself.
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Maybe put a "Guest Book" in your father's room and have everyone (family and friends) sign in when they visit your father.

Have a family meal at the nursing home with your father.  Many facilities have "Family Dining Rooms" where the resident and the family can visit for 2-3 hours.  Bring in KFC, Taco John, McDonald's or your father's favorite fast food along with paper plates and whatever you need for a meal.  Check with facility to see if they supply ice water or ice tea or coffee.

We celebrated Thanksgiving and also Mom's birthday with meals in the nursing home's "Family Dining Room" which had dining room furniture with regular dining room tables and chairs.  It felt like we were eating in our own dining room at home and not in a facility.   Also, it gave us an opportunity to eat as a family again.  For Thanksgiving we decorated the table and I brought place settings of Mom's, Fraternal Grandmother's and Maternal Grandmother's china and Mom's sterling silverware for the meal.  Mom LOVED it!!
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Callietooter Sep 28, 2018
Thank you for the advice...
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I would take it that the parents who are giving false and inaccurate information about who visits are not doing it on purpose, but, are confused or forgetful. All of the adult children, as well as family friends should know this by now. So, you should't have to defend yourself, but, if you do, you might take a selfie with you and your parent, and if it comes up, show the picture to show you were there visiting. They also keep a log for sign-in's so, you could tell them that too. I wouldn't allow them to make me feel bad. You can correct the info in a non threatening, calm, good natured way, just to set the record straight.

If the sibling you call is cranky, I'd ask why and try to work it out. If they refuse, I'd let them be. Eventually, they'll see that they can't rely on everything they hear from people who are not able to report things accurately.
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I agree with T’s advice. Sometimes when we become adults and busy with our own lives, we lose contact with our roots. If you get together with your sibs and reacquaint yourselves with them, then it will be easier for them to believe what you say instead of what Mom and Dad say. Your parents are pitting their children against each other for entertainment. Are they bored? Were they always like that?

You can also all go together to visit them. Then they can’t tell tales.
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Callietooter Sep 28, 2018
Very good advice, thank you. Have known that my parents have been forgetful, do not think they are intentionally pitting us siblings against each other. As in past, I have told them (Siblings) not to always trust in what they say. My dad is the one in the nursing home, the conflict began when in meeting he was being asked if he did something on his own or nurse for him, where I had to finally get it cleared w/my sibling by nurse asking him where he admitted nurses did for him after the outburst of me never being there came out and how would I know, I assured her this was my 3rd day in a row there and have been there on a weekly basis as herself unless when we were on vacation. My visits are during the day and hers after-work. I am just trying to get over my anger of her being so disrespectful to me in front of others, but the strangers in the meeting knew me and knew what she was saying was all false, I talk with the staff on regular basis, get the phone calls from them etc. Handle all the work with nursing home and law firm in getting him approved for Medicaid with my constant contacts with them, plus have kept up with their medical records for past 9 years. And for your advice, guess we do need a luncheon, etc, have another sibling suggesting this also. Thank you again, and I apologize for all my rambling.
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Do the siblings call each other for something other than the parent's care? Do you get together for a meal just to catch up with each other and enjoy each other's company? If every time you hear from someone they want you do something then "what do you want" becomes an ingrained response.

If possible, try getting together at a buffet or family style restaurant for a meal every 2-4 weeks. Talk about each other, the kids, sports, etc. Suspend talk about Mom and Dad unless it's something funny. Try to treat Mom's "reports" on sibling visits/performance as amusing/funny/unbelievable events - "Do you know what Mom had to say about XXX this week?" Give all the siblings a chance to relay the reports they have heard that week. Might let you talk about Mom's reports without making people defensive.
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Callietooter Sep 28, 2018
Thank you, very good advice to try.
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