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I am being support for a good friend of mine, who just lost her mother. She has always been closest with her Dad, who has Alzheimer's and has been diagnosed with it for six years. Though he is good physical condition. He is now requiring around the clock care. Unable to be left alone. My friend's mom passed away two weeks ago and my friend moved in with her Dad to take care of him. Apparently, her younger sister was appointed executor of the will. The will states everything goes to the younger sister and her children. My friend and her brother are not mentioned in the will what so ever. Also, the will is signed by her father. He signed it after having Alzheimers for two years. Doesn't that make his, signing not legal? It is one of those do it yourself wills, notarized. My friend just wants to keep taking care of her Dad. But her sister is planning on putting him in a nursing facility. He has enough money to continue staying in his home and is happy being there with my friend caring for him. Doesn't my friend have any say in these decisions? The younger sister has control over Dad's income and things are not adding up at all. Now my friend is being told by other family members, "Accept that your Dad is going to go into a facility and soon." Also, younger sisters husband told my friend, "Make the food in the house last the rest of the month, were not shopping again." It doesn't make sense, my friend is not being paid to take care of him and she doesn't expect too. She just wants to stay there and take care of him, but she didn't expect to be treated like some outsider and have them not even provide food out of Dad's money. Where there is plenty of money left over after bills are paid to provide food. Doesn't the executor have to show Bookkeeping/Bank statements to other family members showing where Dads money is going? Doesn't my friend have any say in what happens to her Dad? Her Dad has a perfectly good running run, insured car, parked in the driveway. He is not able to drive anymore. But the younger sister has the keys and will not let my friend (A good licensed driver) use the car to take her dad to Church or for anything at all. She has to rely on me for any transportation needs. Granted my friend and her Mom didn't always see eye to eye, but at the end, they had a real meaningful conversation involving forgiveness. Yesterday was the Mother's memorial and it is just awful the way my friend and her son are treated as though they are not part of the family mostly by the sister and her family members. Doesn't my friend have any say in anything? Bottomline is my friend and her Dad, have been very close her entire life. The dad is confused and requires constant reassurance. My friend has moved in to take care of him. He is able to get around pretty good. He doesn't have major health issues. Other than the Alzheimers he is good shape. He talks often about how proud he is with the things he has done with the house. He gets retirement and Social Security. It takes a little under half of his total monthly income to pay the bills to keep the house running, excluding Food and monthly Church ties. (Leaving about $1,650 left over.)This situation is hard to watch. It is clear that my friend and her Dad love each other very much. My friend's intentions are pure, She doesn't expect anything, but room and board. It isn't an easy task caring for a person with Alzheimers by yourself, seven days a week. But what would it hurt to let her use the car to take Dad to Church and go to the store while her adult son watched Dad? I just do not get it.

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Churchmouse, Thank you again for your thoughts and caring.
My friend is hanging in there. She seems to be very dedicated to her Dad and his wellbeing. I have been providing transportation. To Church. To the store, and took her Dad and Grandson Bowling. The Dad use to Bowl regularly. He had such a good time, he is still talking about it to anyone who will listen. Bless his Heart. The Memorial for his wife was confusing for him, because he thinks his wife passed away a few years ago when actually it's only 3 weeks now. The Moms Memorial/Celebration of life was last Saturday. It was interesting watching and observing. I was giving charge of getting all the black sheep, in the family to the event. LOL!! Imagine that!
I appreciate your advice. And had actually decided even before I saw your response, to back off a bit. I mean as far as talking anyone except my friend and her Dad and son. When the sister and BIL come around I Shut up. I m just polite I noticed that when I would have conversations with the sister, she would twist things I would say so that they were like insults to her. I am so much not like that at all. She had to do a lot of twisting if you know what I mean. Then someone would come back and complain about it to my friend. So I thought the best thing for me to do, is be supportive to my friend and not say anything when anyone other than she, her Dad and son are around, What is sad is I have no bad intentions what so ever. So it makes me wonder why there is effort being put into alienating me? My friend and I noticed that Dad is real calm and peaceful whenever riding in my car. We wondered if maybe some of his constantly asking the same questions and his anxiousness may be due to boredom. I mean I know it is part of the illness but there is a significate positive difference in him when he is bowling, working in the yard with us and while riding in the car. It is a shame that so many games are being played and that the family can't seem to let go of the past and just start with how things and people are now. Like the song says "Let the love flow" There is a lot of love for this gentle, sweet, spirited man. There is enough money for him to stay in his home and for him to have activities. He lives in a rental,l but he and his wife have been renting the house for many years. The rent is only $1000 a month and it's four bedrooms. He receives $4000 a month. It is not necessary for him to go to a facility. Churchmouse, don't worry I am only venting to you. Because there is nowhere else to put my frustration. After getting to know the very little I know about this situation and spending quite a bit of time with my friends Dad, Seeing how he is with different situations it is clear that Yes he does need caregiving. It probably would not be a good idea for him to be alone. But with help he can pretty much have a normal daily routine. Even know some joyful pleasures. He likes going to Church he recognizes the people there he has known for years. He LOVES Bowling and was able to stay focused and bowl a few well-played games. He likes to go out to eat after Church. He dresses himself and baths with a little bit of help. He has a good appetite and is just about the sweetest guy you'll ever meet. Sometimes he gets stuck on a subject and goes on and on with the same questions over and over but so what? You know? Oh well, I hope I haven't bored you to tears. I sure appreciate having you and this site to run all this down too. Thank You, Sincerely
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Wings, thank you for explaining in more detail, it does make much more sense to me now.

The strength of your friend's BIL's feelings on what, normally, wouldn't bother him so much as long as it wouldn't impinge on his lifestyle makes me wonder if he has prior experience of his own of caring for an elder. Possibly bitter experience. Or possibly he is just very wary and suspicious that if Dad stays at home his wife will get drawn in more and more to hands-on care and they'll all, the whole family, end up with onerous commitments on their hands.

I realise that you have suspicions of your own, that the BIL seems in an awful hurry to get everything sold off and the money wrapped up; but at this point I'd hang back on that. If money were the consideration and they had something to hide, they wouldn't be so set on placing Dad in a facility because that would mean either Big Spending or a Medicaid application with the accompanying examination of the father's assets and income. More likely that BIL is fed to the back teeth of hearing about the subject, wants his wife's grief and involvement to end as fast as possible, and is keen to put the old boy away where he can't cause any more trouble. The will is an issue; but it sounds as if it was the result of the late mother's wishes, perhaps connected with whatever greater reliance she must have placed on the sister to have given her POA.

Meanwhile the sister may have well-grounded doubts about whether it is fair or realistic for your friend to become Dad's full-time caregiver. You say that Dad is physically fit: well, he's already seen off the mother. He could live for many years. What happens to your friend's life then? She will rightly expect support from her family, which they don't want to be committed to; and they're saying so in advance; but if she doesn't get it she is going to be right up a gum tree. I'm not saying it can't be done, caring for your Loved One at home; but in the case of a fit older gentleman with Alzheimer's Disease, that is a long metaphorical prison sentence your friend could be facing.

Sadly, it sounds as though your friend's family has fallen victim to the terrible statistic that one in three caregivers dies before the person he or she is caring for. And since this was only a fortnight ago, their feelings must be very raw. Maybe it's not the best time to be making final decisions, any of them.

In the immediate future, your friend should buy supplies as needed, keep receipts and ask to be reimbursed. Meanwhile she can draw up a detailed, costed plan for keeping Dad at home (and by the way she shouldn't be so self-effacing - she will incur expenses doing this and she should cost in reimbursement for those, as well as respite care because she will need proper breaks not reliant on friends-and-family); and also visit the facilities that the sister and BIL are talking about, keeping an open mind, and cost those options too. Then when the dust has settled they can all discuss the options again and come to a decision.

But if you're fond of your friend, don't advise her to insist on caring at home for a strong old man with Alzheimer's Disease, in defiance of the judgement of a sister who has Power of Attorney. That would be a world of trouble.
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I kind of feel something wrong with the picture. first to keep a older parent in their own how is # 1 ,,, and what the heck it sure cost a lot more for nursing home and not the best choice, I think and if your friend is able to care for her father and all is well, why in the heck would you want to change this? they say the best for those with alzheimer's, is familiar surroundings , change even for the elderly can be very upsetting your friend should maybe , if she takes her father to his doctor appt bring it up with the doctor and maybe the doctor can help out or aim her in the right direction to help keep this man in his home that he loves and where his life has been , unless the sister has sold the house , you did say she is sole person on the will, if this is the case I'm sorry for the father one thing that was very important to my husband Mother was to stay in her own home , even though his mother had alzheimer's her wishes were always, #1 no life support, and #2 no home other than her own,, it was difficult but we honored her wishes,
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Churchmouse, Thank you for your response. Your explanation of the difference between Power of Attorney and Executor was helpful. Thank you for that. As my only experience with these type of things are things my friends have gone through and have told me. I guess I wasn't very clear. Because 1) My friend hasn't been away or not there for six years, or three years or even one year. Her sister hasn't been taking care of her parents all these years. Actually, her Mom took care of her Dad all this time. Her Mom's passing was sudden, unexpected and a shock for both sisters. They stated they "Always thought Dad would go first."
2) My friend is not wanting to or trying to "Take over" She just wants her Dad to be able to stay home as long as possible. We had a talk (meaning My friend, her son, and myself) with her sister, who called my friend and asked her if she could or was she able to come and stay and take care of him. My friend went the next day.
We asked the sister if she would be comfortable with me and my friend's son acting as support and stepping in when my friend had a doctor's appointment or needed to go out for any reason, (because the Dad can't be left alone.) And would she let my friend take care of him for 60 or 90 days and then they can sit down and talk about what is working or what is not. Giving my friend a chance to do what she feels would be best for her Dad. Her sister didn't really give a yes or a no but agreed that Dad would be happier at home. But her husband is not wanting her giving all her off time to the care of her Dad. He feels strongly and is of the opinion it would be best for everyone to put him in a facility. I don't know, I just feel that my friend is very sincere and just wants a chance to show her sister that she can care for him and keep up the house without her sister having to do much more than pay the bills. I just think 60 or 90 days to prove that or not, isn't asking a lot and I think how my friend feels about the well being of her Dad should matter more than how her sisters hunsband feels. Come to find out he is also the one wanting to sell the car asap. I just don't understand why my friend's thoughts and feelings are not considered important.
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What I do not get is where your friend has been for the last six years.

Your friend's father signed his will four years ago. At some point, the younger sister was given power of attorney, presumably by both parents. At this point, where we are now, as mother reaches the end of her life, your friend waltzes in, there's a big reconciliation (I'm very glad of that), and suddenly your friend decides she will take over caring for Dad...

... and thinks she can? What, just like that?

It's a bit late in the day, is what it comes down to. And over the last six years, while the sh*t was hitting the fan left right and centre, where was she?

If you want to know why your friend is getting the cold shoulder, see above.

Meanwhile...

Distinguish between executor (a person administering a deceased person's estate) and POA/proxy/guardian (a person acting on behalf of a live but incapacitated person).

The will you refer to is neither here nor there in terms of caring for the father.

And: no. Finances are confidential. A person with POA ought not to disclose information to outside parties unless either it has been specified in the POA instrument that those parties must be kept informed or it is in the best interests of the person giving the POA for information to be shared.

So...

If I were your friend's sister, and had been caring for my parents for many years, and my sister turned up, hugged my dying mother and then decided she was taking over...

I'm not sure how impressed and grateful I'd be, either.
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