I love my husband dearly, but having his father in our lives over 40 years is driving me crazy. The last 5 years have been the worst. I dearly would like to have time with husband without Dad. Dad treats us like we are 6 yrs. old. or we are stupid. I am sorry but we have worked all ours live and are now retired. I think we know what we are doing and do not need to be told how or what to do. I have been independent all my life. My parents and foster parents are both gone from us. I have no family really close to me. It always seems to me that my husband can not cut those apron strings. When I complain about it to my husband he defends him. I am tired of everything, being the caretaker, making sure he is well taken care of. I try sending him to senior center so he could talk to people his age. He complains about everyone was picking on him. Husband stopped taking him to senior center. I feel stuck, and want to pack my clothes and leave. I have read a lot of complaints about in laws but no situation like mine. We talked a year ago when Dad was in hospital, and I asked my husband when will our time start. Then used a guilt trip on me, I caved and let his father back into our home. Dad thinks he knows it all, but there is problems, one is his health, dementia, been through cancer treatments, Glaucoma, and many other problems. Dad thinks there is nothing wrong with him and have to tell him over and over again what he can do and not. He will not listen, my husband has put his pills in his hands, in which I do not think is a good thing. Time & time again he has forgotten to take, last time I told husband that he must take it over if Dad forgets one more time.

Any suggestions welcome before I do pack and leave.

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Chris, I have a fear that I need to share with you. Everyone is giving you advice to leave for a week or weeks to more or less teach your husband and FIL a lesson. I am afraid that the two of them will become like “college roommates”. They will not live like they would if you were there. I mean, not exactly beer cans in the sofa cushions, but hubby will do the barest minimum for his father and his father will accept it. Dinner dishes don’t get washed, dried and put away? Oh, that’s ok. We will eat off paper plates from now on. No clean glasses? We will drink right out of the bottle. We’ll change the sheets and our clothes every few days just to save on having to do laundry.

I know you need to get away to save yourself. But hubby has proven that he doesn’t have the man parts to stand up to his dad and he’d rather throw you under the bus. So, what I’m saying is that I don’t think he will throw himself at your feet when you walk back in. He may just throw you a load of dirty underwear. Just be careful. Have a plan and maybe an attorney as well.
Helpful Answer (5)

Has Dad lived with you for 40 yrs? Been a widower that long? Lived with you how long if not 40 yrs.

I ask because it will depend on my answer. Boundries should have been set from the first day or as problems arose. Its going to be harder now you have let him have his way.

As I said on freqflyer's post, this is your home, your rules. You r an adult and need to be treated as one, not a child anymore.

I agree, you need to get away. You can think better alone without distractions. If you leave permanently, u need to have your ducks in a row.

Come back and tell us how things work out.
Helpful Answer (3)

I agree with all the posters. Make that list. But also take a week or two to visit friends or family because you are burned out. Let hubby do it all himself. Tell him you are done being the caregiver. You might be fine with a few things but most everything else you are done with.

You also need to have a come to Jesus talk with Dad. Make it crystal clear who's house he is in and that he does not make the rules here.
Helpful Answer (4)

Polar Bear is spot on. Absolutely take a break for at least a week, go somewhere you can truly relax, and let hubby do all the care. Be out of contact and when you return have your list ready of what it’s going to take to make you able to stay. You’ve been taken advantage of in your home long enough
Helpful Answer (4)

Actually, I think you should PACK and LEAVE for awhile, maybe a week or 2 weeks, or even a month. Tell your husband you're burned out and ready to crash. You must take a break. Let him take over the care for his dad and himself. That's the only way he can see how much it takes to take care of both of them.

If your husband finds out it's too much to handle then he will be open to other options like hiring help or moving dad to a facility.

If your husband handles dad's care sufficiently and without complain, then by all means, let him continue when you get back.

Win win for you.
Helpful Answer (6)

Chris, make a list of everything you do for your Dad-in-law, and I mean everything. Even the smallest thing put on the list. Add to that list what your husband does for his Dad.

Now, tell hubby you wish to have a family meeting with him. Present the list. Tell hubby that you are ready to crash and burn from the stress of caregiving and that he needs to take half of the items on the list. First take those things you don't mind doing. Anything else, take turns doing it so you or hubby aren't stuck with something you hate to do.

As for Dad-in-law treating you both like children, well that is the normal whenever a parent moves in with a grown child or the grown child moves in with the parent. It's the adult/child dynamics. Thus the parent now once again becomes the leader of the household. Father knows best takes over. Sadly there isn't much one can do in that case, just grin and bear it.

Asked hubby what would he do if something happens to you where you can no longer care for his Dad or, gasp, you pass away. Your husband needs to think ahead. Will he hire a caregiver to come help him? If he says that, ask him why not now as you could use the help. Or would he move his Dad to senior living?
Helpful Answer (6)
JoAnn29 Dec 2018
Its one thing when you move in with a parent but when they move in with you they become part of your family. Your husband is the head of the family. You are the lady of the house.

I did things the way my parents wanted. When I got a home, I have a right to have it my way. Parents need to learn to respect our way of thinking.
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