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It is caregiver burnout.

I'm less than half your age and I'm in the same boat. I've had to help my mom for over a dozen years and she's been immobile since 2018. She's nearly 4 years removed from cancer treatments and she's still feeling the effects. She refuses to do PT for fear of Covid and won't get extra help for fear of both Covid and getting robbed blind. She doesn't know or realize this, but a family friend recently reached out to her niece, a physical therapist, and she said that unless she really works at it, she may never walk again. My mom will soon be 71.

She has pretty low expectations. She hasn't tried taking a step in who knows how long and regularly needs help getting her legs on and off the bed, but thinks that her sitting up straight and eating stuff in fewer amount of days than before is somehow proof she's improving.

Her laziness, stubbornness, and paranoia are doing her in. And she's become a threat to my sanity and livelihood. With all she's done with working me to death and destroying my life, she's lucky I still want to be her son and I don't want to disown her. She told me recently I'll get the biggest mansion in Heaven when I die. She doesn't understand that if she continues to work me to death, I'll be getting that place in Heaven a lot sooner than expected.
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sp19690 Oct 2022
There are no mansions in heaven. Why would anyone in the spiritual plane need mansions and great wealth when their physical body is gone and all that remains is your spiritual essence? Only the earthly mind is concerned with things such as mansions.

Bob you need to face facts your mother will not walk ever again. Not because she can't but because she won't.

You remind me of the son in the movie What's Eating Gilbert Grape. You should watch this movie.

You would be lucky if your mother got covid and passed because sadly that is the only way you will ever get your life back.

This weird and sick dance you are in with your mother is insane and your mother should be ashamed of herself for doing this to you.
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Get an assessment of the needs at your home by calling Area Agency on Aging, often located at your nearest senior center.
You, mother, son.

Sounds like caregiver burnout as the reason you are not seeing the whole picture accurately.

Should your son with Huntington's, heart attack, and mild cognitive impairment even be driving? Taking his grandma?

When living with others, it is a courtesy to let them know where you are going (out), and when you will be home. Try putting an arrival time posted on the bathroom mirror, especially if you are considered a caregiver for your son and mother. You are correct, your mother is being intrusive into your life and you need to have some private time. An assessment can help to determine if she needs more care than you can provide.

And, respite care for your Mom can be arranged, so you can avoid burnout.
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Thank you for your honesty. As an elderly woman Going tobe 89 in a month, it helps me to understand my children. I now will keep my pains and problems to myself, and fid my own solutions. I thought that sharing my feelings and conditions was just keeping them in the loop, but I can see that it becomes a problem for them that they have to deal with. I really hope that i go to heaven before I need more than I can provide. Thanks again for your input.
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BurntCaregiver Oct 2022
@Jeancarolmo

I think it's great that you're one of those rare seniors who understands that their adult children/grandchildren/people in general do not want to listen to incessant complaining and negativity about your pains and problems and conditions. Keeping family in the loop about what's going on is different than your problems being the only interaction and communication a person has with their family.
After a while even the most loving, compassionate, and empathetic person can't take anymore.
I have no relationship with my mother and we've been living together for some time (I'm leaving come the new year).
Our relationship my entire life since I was a little kid has been her negativity, narcissism, neediness, and bullying.
She never cared what she ruined. She's elderly now and needs care and it's gotten worse. I will not care for her anymore because I don't want to.
You're doing your family a favor by realizing what the complaining, stubbornness, and negativity does to them. I'm sure they love and respect you for being such a good and kind mom who doesn't lay this trip on her kids. I hope the know how lucky they are.
Also, I hope you have a great birthday coming up.
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I am so sorry for all of the stress this has put on you. There are day care places for elderly in many states and cities. Check with your city to see what is available. Where I live, the County has free ride service for handicapped, and there is a day care in the court house area where people can go to be with others.
you have a heavy burden and definitely need help. Maybe you should hire someone to help you with your mom. Even a couple of days a week for 5 hours would be a great help for you. Blessings to you.
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I can understand your mom's feelings of at least wanting to know if she is home alone or not! I would stick firm to keeping your plans private, just let her know you are going out and around when you expect to return. "Out with friends" is a fine answer, and use "the broken record" technique of just repeating that phrase if she continues to question you.
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I certainly don't have any answers for you because I feel the same way. Virtual hugs and prayers for you!!
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Tell her you have a date.
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I hired someone to sit with my for two hours twice a week. She was resistant but I did it anyway and I was there when she met her companion. Fast forward a few months and my Mom loves her. Tess does all the things I don't have time to do. She helps her paint, they play games and it fives me a break from going to my Moms facility.
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I don't have any answers, but my heart goes out to you.
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