We have a calendar schedule. Two days a week weren't covered so they said this sib can't or won't do more, that one works part-time, others are doing such amount. They ask for a reason I won't add days. I've stated my limit for 2 months now. What can I do to not get quilted?
"Why won't you add more days??!??"
"Because I don't want to."
End of discussion. Anything more from them is just bullying and you can point that out to them. They will not respect your boundaries so it's your job to relentlessly defend them.
You are not under any obligation to physically or financially participate. Your profile says you live 50 miles away from them so this should be explanation enough for your sibs. They can't guilt you unless you *accept* the guilt. You must now accept that they will be in a constant state of anger and resentment towards you. But, don't let that sway you. Eventually they will see first hand that it is an unsustainable solution.
If your parents didn't plan well for this eventuality, that's on them. You aren't responsible for their happiness. You didn't cause them to become old and you can't fix it. They will only need more and more orbiting from your sibs. Don't do it.
Keep promoting a different solution to your sibs: to transition your parents to an AL facility or hire in-home aids.
Remember — and tell sibs this also— mom and dad are going to continue to decline and will need more help over time. It’s not useful to plan otherwise.
Good luck to you.
Think about it, everyone else can say no why can't you.
Assuming guilt for the needs of an elder is so inappropriate. You aren't a felon. You also aren't a Saint. Guilt requires causation out of evil intent and refusal to fix out of evil intent. That doesn't fit. You didn't cause these needs and you can't fix them.
Let them know you cannot, do not wish to add more time yourself, and that whether or not they wish to is entirely up to them and is their own business. Tell them that at the point the needs are too big it is time to consider placement where they can be addressed. Tell them that you are sorry they don't find your thoughts and intentions a match for their own, but that is the case whether they are happy about it or not.
Do not EXPLAIN. DO NOT argue. These are the pathways that lead to an unending Hades of woe. Let them know that they are free to judge your actions, but that you have ZERO intention of LISTENING To said judgement.
The G word you need here isn't guilt. The correct word is grief. That there is failure. That there are expectations. That when the going gets tough the tough go to war on one another. That people attempt to make you responsible for something you are not responsible for. That there is no room for difference. And etc. There are times that humanity is simply not the nicest species out there. Alas. Has always been the case. Won't be changing soon.
Do You feel guilty? Or, are you just tired of responding to family members trying to badger you?
It sounds as if your family has reached the limits of their capability to provide full time care for mom. Everyone is strained, and feels they can do no more.
This is not sustainable. It is time to hire professional caregivers or start looking at care homes for mom. If you look at care homes, do so without mom first. Some can give a bad impression, and that might scare her. An admissions director will be happy to meet with you and schedule a tour, giving you a chance to ask questions, and they will ask you about mom's care needs. They can give you an idea of the cost and let you know if they are not able to meet her specific needs.
If you want to keep mom home, try reaching out to professional home care agencies. Use mom's money to pay for services. If she has limited funds, she may qualify for Medicaid. You can find out by contacting the local Health and Human Services office in her county. If she is eligible, Medicaid will pay for home care.
Get some outside help in.
See All Answers