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I'm so angry at them, they work one week and then they have a whole week off. No visits, not a phone call, not even a phone call on Thanksgiving to wish Mom and Happy Turkey Day. I can't talk to them anymore. Do you have any ideas on how I can make them realize that they are putting Mom in an early grave? Not to mention the energy that I expend to keep Mom going, but my brother and sister are just unbelievable! How did they turnout to be the scumbags that they are? How can they be my brother and sister? I'm contemplating returning their Christmas presents back to the store, they don't deserve anything!

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Someone told me last night that I should do good for others simply because I want to do it, not because I want something for it. That applies to everyone around me. If they choose not to be involved in my mom's life, all I can do is to talk with them calmly in the hope that I will help them think of things they haven' thought of on their own.

In my family's case, I told my sister that our mom would love to have her visit more often. So, my sister, who was normally not involved AT ALL with our parents started to make monthly visits. She would spend the weekend sitting around with mom. Mom paid to get my sister's hair done and my sister cooked a meal for mom. That was it. After about 2 years, my mom passed away and from that simple suggestion, my sister got a chance to spend a little more time with her mother than she would have otherwise.

I live nearby so I was VERY involved with mom. Sometimes, overly involved so much so that I gave up parts of my own life... and that's not so good.

My Brother!! on the other hand, lives in another country. He will come to the US and spend 2 months with his in-laws and 2 days with his mom. My mom has now passed and we are going through her things. My brother has NO interest in reading old letters. He just wants to get through things and get back to his life.

It is interesting to me how we all made our own choices. The only thing that ever worked for me was to have gentle conversations. In one case my sister took me up on the idea and in the other, my brother wanted NO part of it.

Today, I am amazed to see what happened. It is interesting to watch. I think in the end, my brother actually has the healthier life. He has a good family. His grown kids love him, his wife loves him, his in-laws love him... and his assessment is that his own family is out of shape, and negative and he won't have anything to do with it.

For me, now... I need to decide what I can do within my own area of life. How can I live life kindly, in good health and loving those around me. My brother, how decided to disengage from our mom, made his decision and if I look at what surrounds him, he is a contributor to this world... just not to our mom, for whatever reason he experienced. Maybe she wasn't nice enough to him. Maybe he gave her all he could. Now it's over... and all we can do is look and move forward.

Long winded way of saying, I am wishing you a smooth journey. I hope you are able to influence the people around you positively, and kindly without giving up your own life in the process.
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Isn't it amazing how several children grow up in the same family, same parents and basically same experiences as children and turn out so totally different!

Right or wrong, I have come to the conclusion alot of the differences have to do with how, as children, each one was treated by their parents.
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You must be very calm and non judgemental when you speak with them. Drop them a note and tell them that Mom had a nice Thanksgiving but an answer to her prayers would have been a call or a visit from them. Ask them to please call or visit for Christmas, but be careful with your tone, especially if you decide to call instead of writing. We all get so wrapped up in our own lives we sometimes forget the ones who have done the most for us. They probably will not wake up to this fact until she is gone.
Keep up the good work you are doing, it is so good you are faithful to you Mom. You will never regret what you do for her. Turn loose of the anger you have for them, as it only makes you feel bad, and it is not going to change them. If you don't feel like giving them Christmas presents, don't. Better not to give than to give with the wrong spirit. Perhaps you should be glad they don't come and try to tell you how to handle your Mom. That is usually what happens. They breeze in for a day or two and tell you just what you should be doing. The voice of experience. Blessings
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I have two sisters and four brothers, my sisters take turns coming and helping with mom for a weekend (they live out of town) and sometimes they take her for a week to stay at their homes. Two of my brothers live very close by, one has taken her to his home for Sunday dinner three times this year but only when I call and pin him down to a day and time. The others who were all given a phone schedule of their day to call mom did so for the first two weeks, then fell back into their old pattern...usually will call if they need something-money! It's sad and I have had to come to terms with their behaviors...I know life gets busy, they have jobs and families of their own, but still, a few minutes once a week to call their own mom and check in? I just pray to let it all go, it is detrimental to my health to allow their behaviors to stress me out. Let go and let God...I am praying for you for strength and peace of heart.
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Some children can't deal with the decline of a parent. It is easier not to be involved.My significant other's daughter will come to see him but won't get within three feet of him and constantly plays with her phone. One can't make another person care. Remember getting angry at them hurts you more than them. Spend your energy helping you mom and taking care of yourself. Hugs
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Each person is an individual and has to make their own choices. In your eyes, everyone was treated equally; but each individual "perceives" things differently -- your siblings may have felt more disconnected; others may just be more selfish nature "me first"; and others may feel that once raised, they expect to be "out of the nest" and off on their own -- keeping connections; but not intimately involved in family or family matters -- they create their own family. Your siblings will be all you have left; think carefully how you treat them and if you still want a connection. The best advice is "no regrets" -- you can only answer that for yourself.

PS I have a sib who has nearly no contact with mom; who has no regrets -- sometimes it makes me angry "that I'm alone and expected to take care of things" but we've had honest conversations and the sib really doesn't expect me to take on the burden; he sees it as my choice and I have to respect that. I love this sib and he has actually helped me to set boundaries and not lose myself in worry, guilt and control.
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You are so not alone. We are all dealing with it one way or another.
I have come to grips with my roll as caregiver and I realize that everyone else has too....They leave the work to me. I suggested more contact...what a mistake. They support her showcasing, and have cast me in the roll of villian. She even complains to me about them.... I take a deep breath and keep telling myself that it all straightens itself out in the end...I just wish I didn't have bills to pay, and I hope my young family isn't suffering because of it. Stay healthy...I noticed when I started working out (20min/day) I had a different outlook on things. Please ,she'e not the only one that need love.
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Many families have similar problems. People who are repelled by old age, illness, and death. Others welcome the opportunity to help older relatives, ill people, those approaching the end of life. Each has their own decision to make. Go easy and do what YOU can. And try not to do too much!
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Absent physical or psychological abuse, the child owes their parents help. There is a thing called duty. Just because a sibling wasn't their parent's so-called favorite it is not permissible to ignore a parent in need.
If as adult children we put our needs first and foremost always-- we have not become an adult, regardless of our age.
We only get one set of parents, we need to be kind to them. Old age is not the time to try to settle old scores by neglecting their needs. Be the bigger person, do the right thing. Do the Christian thing in this season of Advent.

Elizabeth
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I’m dealing with some of the same sibling issues. I use a free web site (PlumbMetrics) with my Dad for daily picture quiz, plus health questions. The results are emailed to all siblings each morning.
One of my brothers has actually taken the quiz answers and sends follow up comments to my Dad. But another Brother, very little, Not sure how we all got to this point in our family. We lost our Mom very early and she was truly the hub of he family wheel, I guess we have been a dysfunctional family for 40 years.
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