You can only be a doormat if you lie down and act like one. Call your sister and say, I'm going out of town from x to y. Hope you can find someone to look after Mom.
I agree to 2 much 2 cover: You have to ask for help and if they don't have specifics and help then write them off for help. It is crazy not to want to care or help someone especially if it is your parents. Just picking up supplies they need, taking them to Dr. visit, or just checking in on them all helps. I also feel like I am only one who cares. My brother lives about 1 1/2 hours away but he could come and take my Mom to lunch or even grocery shopping once in a while. My sister who lives in Georgia actually comes twice a year and will stay for a week and do things with Mom. That helps by giving me a break! Good luck! Hugs to you!
my mom just isnt very close to my sisters. if they tried to help mom would just bicker and battle with them. so its just me, mom , the canary and the hospice nurse and some days we probably dont make her feel very welcome. like grandpa simpson, our car gets 40 rods to the hogs head and thats the way we likes it.
All you can do is pray for them. I've decided to stop trying to make it happen. As many of you have said, it only frustrates you more and we have enough to contend with in caring for our ailing parent(s). I was encouraged by a stranger yesterday in a restaurant. We went out to eat after church and there were no chairs in the waiting area, so I asked a gentleman at a nearby table if I could use the empty chair so that I could sit my mom in it. He gladly obliged. When it was time for us to be seated, I return the chair to his table and thanked him. He shouted out to me "you will be blessed for taking care of your mother." Whether he was an angel in disguise, I don't know, but I sure needed to hear that. So from one stranger to another to you all "you will be blessed in taking care of your loved one." I know we all have our good days and our bad days, but truly God will strengthen us because we are honoring our loved one in their last days no matter how long it may be, whether they are in your home or a NH, we still care! Lastly, we reap what we sow - so to our siblings who don't want to get involved, lest they beware that a worse thing may happen to them! Don't mean to sound grim, but we truly must treat others how we want to be treated. I, too, wonder how my siblings sleep at night offering no help or show no concern. May God bless and strengthen you all.
What is oneto do when dad disinherits the sibling that welched on their promise to help leaving everything to the son that was there 24/7. The disinherited son is now challenging the last minutes change to his inheritance claiming lack of capacity and undue influence...
teachergear1, I can understand the temptation you're feeling not to tell your siblings when your mother dies. But I think the clue is in the word temptation: not telling them would be temporarily satisfying ("serve 'em right!") but it would be spiteful and unworthy of you - yes, it would be a terrible thing to do. Put the temptation behind you. You inform your family promptly and in correct form. If they then fail to show up, they've missed their last chance to redeem themselves, and to close the book on their various issues with your mother, and it won't be your fault. Come on: make up your mind to do the right thing, and then you'll stick to it - I can tell because that's what you've done all along.
hello We all have family mambers who we wish to take interest that don't. perhaps it's not your loved one they are not staying away from. Perhaps it's us! I wonder about that. My bro has not contacted his mother for 6 years. In that time he has told me he wanted to know when she passes. My mom asks all the time why he hasn't called her, not even for a holiday. I have sent letters and left messages but he has not been responding. I wonder each day what's going on with him. And why could be for many reasons. Illness, or just excuses. I'm sad more for my mom because as a mom myself I know the pain she must feel that her son has not called her. Life goes on, but we don't forget those who we don't know the whereabouts. my bro was manipulative and sneaky and took advantage of my mother all the time. The ax forgets the tree remembers! I pray that he's doing alright and perhaps will call when he comes to his sences! Equinox
I have been in and out of therapy my whole adult life because of the horrific choices my parents made and me being the collateral damage of those choices. I am totally estranged from my elderly father and only take my mother to her medical appointments. So I will become one of those absentee adult siblings that are being bashed on this post. I chose not to help them like they chose to use me for their own selfish needs!
Debralee, you're a very good example of why outsiders shouldn't jump to conclusions about WHY siblings might refuse to get involved. It's wrong to attribute motives to a person without understanding him or her. But when all you know is that you're carrying the whole package and you can't see your siblings for dust, it's easy to let perhaps justified resentment turn in to false assumptions. Something to guard against - I'm glad you reminded me, and thank you.
One of my siblings has been out of the picture for four years. Now they are running out of money and what to make amends. Seems odd, doesn't it? When I told them that taking on the role of caregiver 24/7 for BOTH Mom and Dad has absolutely destroyed my life they said, "What, did you expect we were going to hold your hand?" I said, No, but I expected you to at least support me, and you didn't. This sibling had no intention of ever helping me, even when I asked. I didn't realize that until they said that statement. I find it absolutely remarkable that people like that can live with themselves.
When I'm standing and staring and wondering why is it me doing this? my automatic answer is "because you're the idiot who volunteered." Not all of my siblings think I'm an idiot, to be fair. My sister does; but one brother thinks I'm doing it to show the others up and prove I love Mummy best; and the other brother thinks it's because I'm a control freak. I HOPE I'm doing it because I do love my mother and residential care is not for her; but wouldn't it be interesting if you could get some kind of computer printout of motives?
But I ALSO agree with hadenough!!!!
Have a good day everyone!
xo
-SS
We all have family mambers who we wish to take interest that don't. perhaps it's not your loved one they are not staying away from. Perhaps it's us! I wonder about that. My bro has not contacted his mother for 6 years. In that time he has told me he wanted to know when she passes. My mom asks all the time why he hasn't called her, not even for a holiday. I have sent letters and left messages but he has not been responding. I wonder each day what's going on with him. And why could be for many reasons. Illness, or just excuses. I'm sad more for my mom because as a mom myself I know the pain she must feel that her son has not called her. Life goes on, but we don't forget those who we don't know the whereabouts. my bro was manipulative and sneaky and took advantage of my mother all the time. The ax forgets the tree remembers! I pray that he's doing alright and perhaps will call when he comes to his sences!
Equinox