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I have a sister who was my moms best friend her whole life, but now that mom needs care she has completely washed her hands of her. She doesn't even call her. She doesn't want to know about how she is doing so she doesn't have to care. She comes south for the winter and is only two hours away but doesn't come to visit. It's hard!! Mom has Dementia so she doesn't really get it....She defends her all the time..... I guess I need to just accept. But it's hard!! Caregiver burnout?? Yes!!

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I have 3 brothers who I haven't talked to in years (25 years, 21 years and 14 years), nor do they talk to my Mom. You'd think they'd be completely forgotten but I've placed my life on hold while go about their business. True I don't know what's going on in their life but I know they'd never offer to help no matter what's happening in their life. I contend with type 1 diabetes, suffering work performance, relationship issues.....
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Let's just say I feel your pain....
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Someone else here suggested you not look to your sibling. I agree with that and want to suggest that you forget about her helping. You sound like you could use some help and you're better off looking to see if you can get any from local services than thinking about your sister. If someone isn't going to help, then they're not going to help. Period. Put your focus on finding some relief for yourself, instead of giving another moment of thought or energy to your sister.

Bottom line: You deserve the time and attention from yourself to you are wasting on her.
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I, too, found that complete strangers have been more helpful: the 75 year old volunteer at the gym, other women at the church we joined (to find social support for Mom). My siblings help when I am very specific and usually at the end of my rope. But for just general visiting and interaction, I have to take Mom to them.
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Hi, apronsbymeme.

I'm in your situation and I know - it's hard. But above everything else, I ask myself if - given the choice - would I abandon my parents and leave their care to someone else, or would I take it on myself? I'd take it on, and I have. So now that's my life, do I get on with the task at hand, or do I resent my siblings? A little bit of both, but at the end of the day, I'm doing what *I* think is right for me and my conscience, and screw everyone else. I have one sibling that I *know* will be full of regret after the death of our parents, but that's their problem, not mine. All you can do is nurture yourself so that you have the health and the energy to go on NOW, and then afterwards....well, you'll know you did everything you could with the resources you had, and everyone else can deal with their emotions and guilt their own way.

Live knowing that you're doing what you think is right. You can't make other selfish people change their ways. But you don't have to be there for them to make them feel better about their regrets later on.
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It is sad, but I've learned that the people we can least depend on are family. Complete strangers are usually the most helpful.
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TY Growing Tree!!
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the question is how do I deal with siblings that don't help. Stop looking to them for help you will only make yourself sick. I look after mum, looked after dad as well till he when on ahead, we are left behind to continue in this fight. But I have learned to just worry about me, an to stay strong to look after mum, I to have a sibling that lives to fare away to do anything. I was making myself sick always thinking why me, me me me in a wrong way! But know I look after me in the science of if I don't who will look after mum. I don't worry about him any more, I just keep strong and pray that I can keep doing what needs doing for as long as it needs to be done, I to feel the burnout coming over me at times, I have learned at those times to hold on with all I have got in me, tomorrow is another day to start afresh.
God bless you an keep you strong!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Dogabone, I've asked for help. Her husband never liked my mom and always found a reason to tell her... sad....I know it's up to me. I've come to that after 3 years of having her here with no help. Things really are hunky dory in her life. Retired and living the life. My life, it sucks right about now. Money problems, marriage problems you name it. And a full time job besides my mom who has Dementia. Sour grapes, sure. I'm facing the music as you say. Just hurts!!
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apronsbymeme,
Sometimes you must face the music and realize that your on your own with your Mother.I understand what your going thru.Been their and done it my self as we speak.Sounds like you need a break.There maybe many good reasons why your sibling doesn't come around.If your sibling is married maybe she's having marrage problems or family problems of her own to deal with.There's a reason why your mother is with you and not your sibling.Have you asked your sister why she doesn't come around?Your sister may not be able to swallow as much as you can with your Mother.As of now it's only you.
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Jessie, I sometimes wonder that myself too. But I don't know how bad she really feels, because she has been saying we are a pain in her a........!! And ruining her life; Sad...
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It sounds like your sister can't stand to see your mother this way. Many people have a hard time being around parents who are ill. They may have trouble because they can't relate to them and they're no fun to talk to anymore. Whatever the reason, some children can't do it. We end up feeling bad about them. Many of them probably feel even worse about themselves.
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