My mom has lived with us for 3 years since shortly after my dad died of pneumonia/Alzheimers. My mom has moderate to severe dementia but is physically healthy. She's at the point she repeats her questions to me just moments apart. I work from home but I also sit at the public library when I need to work without interruptions. My mom now calls me in a panic when she can't find me even though my husband is home. My sister wanted my mother to live with her or in AL near her (2.5 hr drive from here) but my mom said no to that. My brother lives 20 mins from me & has visited maybe 6 times in the last 12 months. My sister comes down to visit for 4-5 hours about every 3 months. I have told both of them many times that I am overwhelmed and stressed out and need them to come spend time here so I can go away. (Want more details on why my stress level is at 11? Just ask me :) ) Context: My sister thinks my husband and I are getting a great deal by having my mom live here (she pays us <$2000/mo for meals, rent, cleaning, laundry, appointments, meds, anything she needs she gets. We live in an expensive school district and have one kid left in high school). My brother is still angry at my mom over something that happened 6 years ago that she has apologized for numerous times. My mom is a complicated person but was very good to us growing up and has been generous financially to them (and me) as needed as adults. I just don't get how they can let themselves off the hook and I don't know what to do with my anger at them. Suggestions? I hate being mad all the time and my heart physically hurts when I think about it. (I have had a cardiac workup due to chest pain, my heart is healthy.)
And the fact that your sister thinks you are getting a good deal because your mom pays you $2000 a month is humorous from a caregivers perspective. They have no clue what is involved. I am a caregiver to both parents who live in their own apartment. It’s a ton of work. Thankfully I have one sister who comes once or twice a year so I can get away. She understands. The other siblings are uninvolved for the most part. My parents gift me some money and I’m thankful for that.
My brother built on to his house so mom and dad would have a place to live (loong backstory about the OB stealing everything he could from my parents--they go to retire and OB has swindled them out of their home, basically--their ONLY asset)--flash fwd 23 years and mother is still living in the apt. Daddy passed 15 years ago. She's 90 and she will live to 100, I am sure.
Brother has often said this was the worst decision he ever made--b/c along with housing mother, he also brought upon himself her FT care as she aged. The last 10 years he has been at her beck and call. I helped for years, but when I felt we needed to get mom care in the home or move her to Assisted Living, Brother lost it and told me I was not allowed in the home anymore. Kind of shot himself in the foot---he also lost the ONLY OTHER CAREGIVER he had. My 3 remaining sibs (OB died some years ago) are MIA.
He complains, but the dynamic is set. Mom relies upon him to a 'sick' extent. She needs to be watched at some level 100% of the time. Now that he's shut me out, he is going it alone.
Some people are simply not cut out to be CG's. Maybe your sibs are like that. Also, they probably feel that $2K a month is a pretty good pay for the 'gig'--which you know triple that wouldn't make it better or easier.
Sounds like you are going to have to be more forceful with them. How about "I am bringing mom to stay with you for 2 weeks from April 1st to the 16th. I'll pack everything she needs. Have a good time". Can you be that tough?
I get the chest pain thing too. You really think you are going to have a heart attack.
Therapy (for you!) may help you to have the 'language' you need to be heard. And help to deal with anger in a healthy way.
I know my sibs WOULD step up and do more, but they really don't 'get it' as mom is just not on their radar.
Have they stated flat-out that they will not help you with mom and will not change their positions? It could help you to know how firm they are in their refusal to help.
her. This could spiral her down as to not talk.. :( My mom stopped talking. So, if she asks the same question over n over,,, I am not sure what or how to change it, because I believe that is part of the disease. It is so sad. She did that too. They will focus on something and then it's part of that day's or moment's memory. Tape Loop. If she can still walk, perhaps, take a few minutes and walk with her hand in hand, arms looped around eachother so she doesn't fall, and talk and have her repeat with every step the months of the year, days of the week, birthdays in your family, number the steps you take. Socializing is important, get the brain to see and talk with other people. Is there Bingo in the area? Maybe you two can take an evening or afternoon and play Bingo for an hour, get lunch etc.
My friend took care of her mom up until the time her sister called her and said:
I AM RETIRED :) all happy and good. My friend's reaction was: GREAT! Your turn to take care of MOM :) Start looking for places in your area for her. She is all yours. :)
With that being said, and your mom having dementia.. you should have POA DNR POLST & Living Trust in order - now, if you can.
But here I am.. I took care of mom. I had her as close as possible to me. I couldn't stand being far from her. No way she was going to be farther away than 3 miles from me.
You may want to look for is Adult Day Care in your area. Perhaps she can go a couple times a week for a couple of hours.
Talk with her doctor, insurance company-they may help with the adult day care.
GOOGLE : Adult DAy Care in your area, or ask the local hospital or Salvation Army if they know of anything.