Follow
Share

They never visit our parents. I do all the caregiving since I just happen to be the one who lives close by (5 mins).
I have been emailing them details about parents, making phone calls, checking on parents when they say they can't get ahold of them (they were napping), and generally trying to inspire "family unification" or whatever that is called.
I guess I am always trying to bring people together.
Lately I am thinking, I am really stupid to be trying So Hard. They never support me, it's always me doing everything for Parents, and me keeping them informed.
Do I really owe them any extra time whatsoever?
And if they ever do visit (every 3 or 5 years!), am I really supposed to make nice with them and roll out the red carpets for their Grand Entrance?

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
I can't stand how money makes people forget about love, care, friendship. Suddenly all those traits and a happy life doesn't count anymore. It's so sad and so annoying. I am very sorry for you Tlynne. I know how hard dealing with selfishness can be. My wife's family did exactly that. She was taking care of her parents in the times of need, first the father and then mother. She would care for them, nurse them, remember about medications and everything doing with love and devotion. Her siblings on the other hand didn't even bother. Gosh, even writing about it makes me so annoyed. When the parents passed away, my Wife was brokenhearted and they...the siblings...the just came in for the money and personal gains and also dared to say that maybe they could take better care of the parents. Oh really? So why you didn't even bother to visit?! Urgh. S
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

I am at my wits end with my mother and uncle who are both extremely selfish people and have pushed me to the end of my rope in patience. My grandfather died two years ago, and we took my grandmother in after a year of her trying to live by herself (across the road in her home). My mother has very low social security disability income but my uncle is fine with his military retirement and his wife's disability income. They do not help in the care of my grandmother at all nor do they even come for a visit. My gram is 80 and does well for the most part with just little reminders to do things, i.e. shut off the coffee pot, take your meds, where are your glasses? In the first year she lived alone, she was in the ER all the time with falls and other things which made us have to have her give up her home. I work full time with an hour and a half daily commute one way, and so does my husband. He has more flexibility at his job and I could not do this without him. He loves my grandmother so very much and is a huge blessing to her. I just can't come to terms with how selfish her children are. My gram has sold her house to my son, who is the only one in the family who can afford it because of the taxes, insurance, etc. All I hear from my uncle and mother is "aren't we getting anything?" They are getting small things as the house, contents, and all outbuildings are in the deed to my son which, by the way, we did take the legal route with an attorney so it is his. I set the date for August 31 from 11 am til 1 pm for them to come and do one final walk through with my grandmother, then that is it. Case closed. I am going over with my gram for a few hours before that to finish with her list of who gets what of what she wants others to have, then I am taking her to an attorney and get it all legal so my grandmother's children can't dispute it. They honestly don't have money to dispute it anyway, but somehow my selfish uncle found money to do that to his wife's family when her mother died a few years back so it seems they are making a career of living off other's hard work. My gram was a hard working stay at home mother her entire life. My grandfather worked at a paper mill. When he was home, they worked side by side cutting wood for their house for winter heat, making maple syrup in their maple sugarbush in the spring, and outside gardening and work all summer long. They lived a good life and it irritates me that my grandmother's end of life is being made so miserable by her selfish and ignorant children.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Ha. A meteor could crash into their house and then they would call me asking if I could come help them.
But seriously, yes, I do take photos & email them with a brief one or two sentences of what has been going on in their lives. They don't even take a second or two to tell me they got the d*mn photo. That's how "busy" they are.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

You don't owe them anything. However, keeping them updated via brief emails about major issues ("Mom fell and broke her hip," "A meteor crashed into the house," etc.)will protect you when they inevitably say, "But why didn't you tell me? We would have come right away if we'd only known."
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

good and bad results....that is the crux of this, with my sibs.
If I email them, they've sometimes complained that I am only giving my perspective, not my parents. geez. I am not my parents---I can really only give my own words, I believe.
They rarely, have they ever? say thank you for the email.
It's more likely that they read it and file it away, or even delete it.
Yet, when they email me (which is hardly ever) they pretend that it is All Important. Like they are writing the Constitution or something. So it's definitely not the same impact as when I email.
I just crave a normal, give & take relationship with my siblings, in everything, but since they live so far out of state, it's just not happening. And I can't make it happen even with trying to send friendly emails.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

There are good and bad results of not updating the sibs. If you update them, they know what's going on, and see that the parents are getting worse. When the time comes when you need their help, they would know the situation and depending on them, help you or not.

If you don't update them, they will be suspicious of you and give you a hard time. They will get angry and resentful to you for not letting them know how badly the parents are. And when it gets so bad, they will turn against you - sic the authorities on you with their suspicions.

I updated my siblings when it was mom. Because mom was bedridden for over 13 years, on oxygen, trache tube and stomach tube. So many times she was at death's door. I updated the siblings only because I give them the option to fly over if they want to see mom before she dies. This way, they can't blame me if mom died suddenly.

My dad is beginning in his road to dementia. I don't think his health is critical where my siblings need to know every single trip to the ER. When he had a pneumonia and had to be hospitalized, I text the siblings a brief msg. Up to them. But to go to the ER because his catheter was bleeding and wouldn't stop - was not a text message scenario. Know what I mean? I've reached the point with father's case to just very very briefly update the siblings on any major changes.

Plus when they call home on major holidays, they have noticed that dad's conversation has drastically changed. He no longer understands phone conversation.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

You don't owe your siblings anything. Not a bean, not a second of your time. Nix.

But. (You knew there'd be a but, didn't you?!)

Your mother loves her children. Having them, even notionally, in her life is important to her. And that is why it is worth your trouble to keep them in the loop.

Since I regularly scowl about my three sibs and wish they would just - well, never mind what I wish - I understand how frustrating this is, and how futile it feels to be jotting down an email to them and thinking "are they even going to bother to acknowledge this?"

I admire Jessie's attitude, it's what I'm aiming for but don't quite manage. I don't let on to my mother about why my brother's on the phone, either, because I don't want to wipe the beaming smile off her face, but boy! - do I resent him? You bet I do. I'm working on it.

Hm. Reviewing what I've just written, there is another ray of hope. To be fair, I have to acknowledge that my sister is checking in more often nowadays, once a fortnight or so, and visits every few weeks. So, I don't know, but if you keep patiently sending bulletins maybe your siblings too will eventually, gradually sort themselves out and pay more attention to their mother. Which would be good for her, even if it doesn't do much for you :) You never know!
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

Three to five years of not visiting is an extremely long time. Actions speak louder than words, and if they aren't making an effort to visit them; sorry to say, they don't care. I don't think you need to up-date them on anything whatsoever. Let them make the effort to visit your parents. You sound great, but I definitely would back off. I have always felt that siblings that do nothing; siblings that live in the area and clearly have the time; should go to the parents and ask to be taken out of the will, as that is the only honorable thing to do. Unfortunately, this does not happen often. Siblings that don't help out, want it both ways; they don't want to help out, yet they want to be kept in the inheritance.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

My brothers don't have much to do with my mother beyond the occasional phone call. I still send them periodic updates when something significant is going on, such as a big change in her health or a large expenditure we need to make. It doesn't hurt me to do this. The good side of it is after I send an email each of them will call my mother to chat for a while. She likes that. I don't tell her the reason they called is because I emailed them. That would take all the joy out of it.

I know my brothers and don't resent them. It is just the way it is.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

thanks bookluvr, I am guessing I'm a candidate for "caregiver burnout rehab" if there is such a thing.
I spent about 6 hours with parents today, just a normal Sunday for me, and when I got home, I was tempted to send a summary to my siblings......and I thought, why the heck should I do that? So I just sent a quick email to myself & husband of the day's activities, and attached photos.
Yes-- I take photos of when we get to church, the luncheon, and shopping afterwards---that's great way to document since it date stamps it. Also verifies everyone who is there, where I brought the parents, and what they were eating. They do think I'm a little nuts.
But it's also a great way to preserve the wonderful memories of all this time I've spent with parents.
If Sis could ever come down off her High Horse, I would dearly love to share the photos with her. Maybe if she continues in her nasty ways, I will get my day in court, and I can present all my photos. Of how I actually did some GOOD for the folks.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

I know what you mean. Since my whole life, I have always updated my siblings in the states. I would send letters by mail (before computer became prevalent.) Then when I got a computer, I would send updates by emails. I was quite regular with the updates until mom died. I had a rude awakening on the day of her funeral. Now, that it's father's turn, I rarely update them now. Not even when I take him to the ER. I've decided that i will text him if he ever gets into a life-threatening situation. If you do decide to go silent on the updates, I strongly recommend that you keep all receipts pertaining to your parents' care and the use of their money. Your siblings may get suspicious that you're up to no good, and try to accuse of you of stealing or abusing your parents. This is based on what I read from other posters here on AC. Document, document, document.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

thanks, Kalinda, my parents are in their 90's, Dad with dementia, and Mom is sort of frail (but mind is always sharp!).
I am especially sad this week, as my neighbors (seniors) have their kids & grandkids visiting them.....they always come one whole week every year, from 1,200 miles away, just to BE WITH their family.
My sib's---would rather go to Hawaii than BE WITH their own parents.
So SAD.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Whoops, I have that sentence backwards.
**If the answer is yes, then I'm all over it. If the answer is "No, but..."**
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

As the sibling who does less of the work in my situation(although I pick up several days a week), you owe your siblings nothing. And they owe you nothing, either, unless you require something of them. They can't possibly know if you are doing things because you feel the need, or if your parents (or you) actually NEED to have one of them there unless you spell it out as to why they are needed.

I don't know your situation, but my sibling "overdoes". My mother does not need all the help sib gives her, and it is actually bad for my mother for someone else to do all this extra work in our case (my mother becomes lazy and won't do for herself when she is capable of doing so). So when my sib wants me to do *whatever*, my first response is "Is mom unable to do that on her own?" If the answer is no, then I'm all over it. If the answer is "Yes, but..." I tell her to back off and let mom do it herself. In our case, out mother is doing much better by being responsible for herself whenever she is able to do so. JMO, and your situation may be totally different.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

How frustrating and irritating. Your siblings should be more aware of your efforts and more appreciative. Unfortunately though, some people are just plain clueless about these things. Out of sight out of mind. If you have not yet, I would make it very clear to them how you feel and let them know that even though they are not close by it would be nice if they just picked up the phone to say thank you or even ask if there was anything they could do to make things easier for you. It's very possible they have just gotten used to things as they are and don't even think about it. You can't change them but you can change what you are doing. Let them know how you feel.

Another thought. I used to be the one who tried to ge tmy family together on a regular basis. I actually lived further away (just over an hour drive) and my siblings lived close to my folks. I wanted my kids to know their family so I tried to organize get togethers. My siblings made it clear that they were too busy for any of that. Even my parents made no effort to visit us, never. We had to go to them on their terms, for years it was like that. In the end I realized that it was my desire to be close to family not theirs and I had to accept that. It hurt but eventually I stopped trying and stopped feeling resentful. It's better that way.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

Forget the runner, they won't see it for 3 to 5 years. If they are not part of have solution, they are part of huge problem, so stop wasting time on updating them. Spend that time on friends or finding a support group or anything that us helpful to you or your LO.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

LOL yes I should get an actual red carpet runner, and put it inside entrance to parents' home....then when Mom says, what's this? I'll say, it's for your kids that hardly ever lift a finger, they're coming to visit, so we have to Honor Their Royal Presence.
Seriously, though, I wouldn't be so bold to do that. But I definitely FEEL like it on certain days.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Are you sure your not living my life? Hi PrettyGood, I hear you and understand completely!! I also try so hard to keep family in on everything and "close" and the times I didnt I never heard the end of it from other family esp my grandpa who I am caring for. As of right now its a battle in the family, both money and care. I provide most care, long story. But I have thrown in the towel to being miss beggy to have a relationship with those who are knocking me down!

Your situation is a little different because you have siblings to deal with, I have the Aunt, Uncle. I care for my dad as well but so far when my sis has came down ( now no vehicle or money) she helps my dad.

*** hey, I really like how you said "am I really supposed to make nice with them and roll out the red carpets for their Grand Entrance? " I may actually put one out!!

Im so sorry you feel that way though, its not easy.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.