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They have stronger feelings and more of a sense of entitlement towards the inheritance than the sibling(s) that are doing the hard work of caregiving? It is beyond disgusting that they literally will not help at all, yet come back for the inheritance and represent themselves as caring adult children. How have you come to peace with this situation, if you have "crappy" siblings"?

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Personally, I think money gotten like that carries a curse. Let them have it, it will be the rock that drags them down.
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My situation is a little different from all that I have read here...I live 600 mi away from my mother and my 3 siblings. My sociopathic sister is totally 100% in control of our mother, financially and healthwise - and everything in between. Our 2 brothers visit our mom once or twice a week and call her regularly, and their kids visit her occasionally, but my brothers rely on our sister to handle pretty much everything related to our mom. It is that way because our parents appointed our sister executor, successor trustee, healthcare POA, etc. So our sister keeps the rest of us sibs out of the decisions and everyday stuff going on. This sister is the one of us 4 that is totally untrustworthy, so we all suspect she is "going for the gold" when it comes to our parents' estate. I have offered several times to handle our mom's financial matters, paying her bills, keeping track of her financial transactions, etc. I have a financial/accounting background so it would be easy for me to help out. I could do it all online. But all I get is a brick wall when it comes to my sister relenquishing any of her power and control. She delights in being the one in control and I believe her ultimate goal is to talk our mom (if she hasn't already) into either giving her 100% of her assets now, or willing them to go to her once she has passed. Sociopaths always have an ulterior motive for any seemingly "good deeds" they perform. I use the word "perform" because that is exactly how she operates - her life is a series of performances. Nothing is real nor as it seems. So my situation is that my sister, not really knowing what she was getting herself into in the beginning (she has never raised a child, had a husband, or anything that required sacrifice, delayed gratification or putting others first), now finds herself in total control of our very needy elderly invalid (at the present time) 87 yr old mother. But I think she is more interested in criticizing our brothers and me for not visiting/calling as often as we "should", and constantly reminding our mother of such, than actually getting any of us more involved in her care. I think she is so focused on "the pot o' gold" and constantly reminding our mother that she's "the only one that cares", that she is using us other 3 sibs' relative lack of involvement as a way to justify her entitlement to all, or at least a larger share, of our mother's estate. I recently made a trip out to stay with my mom at the emailed request of my sister. My sister called it a "favor". I did it for the chance to see my mom and help her any way I could. Did I get so much as a thank you? Noooo. But I did it to spend time with my mom while my sister was out of town, certainly not as a favor to her. I think she knows I would never do anything for her. The pain she has caused my family will never be forgotten. Visiting with my mom and the rest of my family was so pleasant and nice without ol' socio sis in the mix, her faux pleasant persona and drama. Even though my mom is pretty much a bitter, demanding crabby woman, it was still good to have some alone time with her. I believe my sister is discouraging help for the very same reason my husband's brother refused help from his 4 siblings...he was the 100% heir to his mother's estate - his siblings, one of which is my husband, didn't even get a mention in her will. This was done 23 years ago, so he and she have known it all these years. He has worked his mother for his own financial gain. He will never see any of his 4 siblings again, but I bet if you asked him he would say it was well worth it. He is one greedy ba$$-tard. Same with my sister. Many of my relatives, myself included, will have nothing to do with her once our mother is gone. She and her adoring enabling mother have driven a wedge in this family the size of the Grand Canyon!! My mother is simply not smart enough to see through my sister's tactics, lies and motives nor does she want to see. She would rather believe my sister is in it for her undying love and devotion to her. This is the sister that had almost nothing to do with our family until my father's health started failing about 8 years ago at the age of 80. Up until then she was hardly ever involved with any of us in the family. She saw our parents as her retirement plan...and pursued control of them relentlessly. We'll see in the coming years how it all shakes down.
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i have a toxic brother who did nothing to help my mom. i am the only sibling doing everything. now he is resentful that i am getting the majority of the inheritance. he did get property but because he cannot sell it for the price he wants he feels resentful that i am getting the share i am getting. mom is in end of life care now. he has always been critical of me and i think threatened by my strength and confidence. he reacts to me by minimizing, criticizing and invalidating me. he came to see my dying mother yesterday. of course he could not leave without some critical comment for me. after he left (glad he lives out of state) i called him and finally stood up for myself directly to him (prior i just limited my time around him). i told him i would no longer tolerate his criticisms of me and would not be around him if he does this. of course he berated me and then i immediately hung up on him. i always felt i had to put up with him but i realize i do not need to do this. life is too short and i have spent enough time being around this toxic person.
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Sorry to say this so bluntly, but you would be good to forgive and just do the best you can and let the situation go with the sibs. Just take care of yourself and your parents. Forgive them is the word. It will help you.
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Yes, I've noticed how the siblings who do the least, seem to feel they are entitled to the most. I have my own philosophy.

Sometimes, the reason the irresponsible sibling who refuses to help with the ailing parent, acts that way is due to the way they were raised by the parents. Often the child was coddled and raised to be irresponsible, lazy and greedy. I've seen it before. So, when they reach adulthood they have no reason to behave like a caring person. They were allowed to be a jerk from childhood. I blame the parents for doing that. The problem is that by this time, it's too late to fix it. You have ailing parents who only have the responsible adult child who will step in. The uncaring adult child is useless and could care less. What are supposed to do?

And often, the irresponsible adult child has already blown through more than their share of the estate, so there may not be much left when the parents pass away.

Life is not fair. We can only do what we think is the right thing and move on. Some people go to extremes to stay close to siblings, no matter how toxic they are. I'd weigh out the facts and do what I felt comfortable with. And I'd set up my Will to make sure there is no way they would inherit from me.

I think it's important to learn to let things go. There will always be people in the family who are troublesome. I'd learn when to fight them and when to walk away. At some point you have to decide if they are worth it.
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Whitney, I am sorry for your added stress. So hard to be the caregiver in the best of conditions, let alone advance discussions about who is going to get what. I haven't read your other posts so don't know, do you normally get along with your siblings, other than their lack of help? Or, have your siblings always been this way? I mean, if they're awful all the time, then as you say, they're just being crappy. But if not, then maybe in their effort to deal with the loss, they are simply focusing on the one thing that is tangible to them. Everyone handles grief differently. Unfortunately, it seems a death in the family can often bring out more hard feelings than tender ones. Particularly if you are resentful of their lack of help?

Is there a will? Has your parent (your mom?) given any direction as to who should get what? Can you hold them off by saying, "now is not the time for that discussion"? And then talk with your parent about a plan or her wishes?

In all honesty, I would probably be considered one of those "crappy" siblings. My brother cares for my Dad and I have recently asked for a few mementos. In my case, however, there are two issues: 1) My brother, who is inheriting everything, is asking for my financial help to pay for the buriel, and 2) he has a long history of pawning things and has already had someone in to look at one of the antiques to determine its value. My asking for these things (5 total) is my way of preserving them to be able to pass them down to my children (he has none) before they are sold the next time he needs money.

In know this may not be the case in your home, but wanted you to know why my perspective might be a bit different. Again, sorry for you having to worry about this now. Hopefully, if you tell them the leave it alone for now, they will be respectful and will.
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I would be considered the crappy sib. But I have my own healthy issues, my husband has dementia, and a lot of other things going on. My sib should not be so judgmental.
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The majority of time it falls on one person. It takes love and time to care for your aging love ones.
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