Follow
Share

I guess I should not complain but my siblings and I talked before dad moved in with me. My sister lives 7 hours a way, we used to talk once a month. Its been a few months and I only heard from her twice. My brother used to work for my dad now he wont even take his calls (he has called twice since dad moved in). Not sure if I should be grateful that I don't have them breathing down my neck? Dad didn't have the most close relationship with the older siblings, my sister calls him once a week. Its not like I hit the lottery with dad moving in, it costs me money each week and I am in the hole for income this year due to all the expenses driving back and forth 5 states for the past year taking care of him and cleaning out the house. Dad doesn't provide any money to my house (I haven't asked him either). it's not like its a big drain yet, just electric and food. It would be nice if they called and at least offered to talk. I'm really stressed out, it would be nice to have a family member who cared. Mom apparently was the glue to the family, now she is gone and we kind of fragmented. I'm afraid to call my sister as she can be pretty nasty while being nice to your face. Some minor issues occurred while we were all stressed over the clean out but they seemed to be cleared up quickly. The clean out except for help was amicable, everyone got what they wanted, no fighting over anything, everyone had their say in items they wanted. Most things no one wanted anyway. I got stuck with moving the majority of his stuff to my home and am still in limbo (cant get into half of my garage and I had to sell and give away things of mine to get dads in plus uproot me from my at home office for my business. Dad looked to me to handle everything, they got off easy. I guess I could be considered lucky but it would be nice to hear from them once in a while. I have had one call from my sister "hows it going with dad" While he was in ear shot I couldn't say how it was really and I am sure she'd blab to him anyway. Things get taken out of context. The biggest issue is now there is no home to go back to, my brother lives there but no one could ever visit him (lives like a pack rat). Guess I should not be unhappy but I feel all alone now. (Thank god for my wife and kids).

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Texted my sister, the only way I can communicate as she has a "busy schedule" don't we all? Short reply but hey "dad is welcome to come as long as he likes". Too bad he and my BIL don't really get along that well so its always a short stay. It will be like going to the other divorced parent where they take them to all the good places out to dinner with the one they live with doesn't have the money to do all the fun stuff. Dad loves to go out to dinner but we don't have the money, When we do it is my wife and I for respite. Plus if we take him out he orders the expensive meals. Ive already had the "if I knew you were paying id have ordered the steak". Trust me it runs down hill to the oldest son, my brother does the same trick. I know I need to be more patient, but it is hard, very hard. Plus if has an affect on my wife's and I relationship. Not as much romance lately due to the stress and pitter-patter of little paws and big feet and door alarms going off at the wrong time. Been a tough road so far.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Are the siblings not calling because they think they might be interrupting something that you need to do for Dad? I know if there was someone who was a Caregiver, I would be hesitant to call. Just a thought.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

I completely and absolutely sympathise about the 'mere presence' thing - exactly so. For a while, everything my poor mother did got on my nerves. Even when not only was it entirely reasonable, but also I knew at the time it was entirely reasonable: for example, making her breakfast (which she could do for a little while) - the syrupy smell of the oatmeal, her posture at the kitchen table, the way she jumped if I dropped a pan lid or rattled a drawer… Goodness, my poor mother. But poor me too! It's no fun to feel intruded on in your own kitchen, and it isn't something you can help.

This phase did seem to pass more or less on its own, by the way, which I hope is some reassurance.

You are going to have to tackle the money, though - if he starts eating your savings you'll really resent him for it and it'll be H*ll. Any allowances or benefits he's not collecting that he might be entitled to?

I get the bit about your brother dropping the phone call after a couple of minutes, too. Mine - mother's idol - sounds as if he has a gun to his head on the rare occasions when he does call. My SIL made an unfortunate remark about how depressing he found talking to my mother - I hope she didn't expect any sympathy from me 'cos there certainly wasn't any going. On the other hand, it is an explanation even if it isn't an excuse. Talking to people who depress you, or whose situation depresses you, is boring and disagreeable - tell us about it!

I once sent my daughter a final, despairing text that read "Are you alive?" It took her five days to reply to it. I never know with people who are bad at responding: do they not read the text? Do they think "oh I'll reply later" and never quite get round to it? Can they just not be bothered? I also don't know if I prefer feeble excuses - "the dog ate my phone" - or the 'never apologise, never explain' approach when they do at last get back to you.

If there's one thing about caregiving it's that it does bring you nose to nose with human nature, don't it just. But - you get to see the good bits too. There's a happy thought :)
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Disappearing sibs, yup! FIL's oldest son. Does not EVER call, not for his 88th birthday, fathers day or to ask how he is doing. We cleaned out his condo which had been sitting for 18 years unoccupied (oh my) ! Did not lift a finger. We have not had a private moment for 4 years. So we are planning a trip this month and asked him to take him for 3 weeks and he said he could not. I call BS! Karma is a beautiful thing and I am counting on that.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Your siblings are probably sitting at home wondering why YOU don't call THEM.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

I get your point. I just sent a text to my sister, my brother is a lost cause and no worries with that. He wont even talk more than a minute to my dad, that is their issue. I am sure he will call me before I go home for a family event for some cheap alcohol as he usually does. We will see if she returns my text, generally not,
As far as the future, yes I am aware and not looking forward to it. It is hard to work at home. I generally lock my self in the basement and spend all day there, not much fun. I decided to get into shape at my age, I have a fitness challenge coming up for my fire department to re-certify so I have to be in shape for that next month so I am going to the gym every day if not to work out just get out of the house. I have a bit of travel for work coming up, it will be a nice get away but Id rather spend it with my wife.
its not that he is taking much of my time it is just the mere presence. Am I being selfish? He really is a good roommate, not too messy, he does his laundry, feeds his dog but its the little things, open windows on a cold rainy day, AC left on in rooms not occupied all day, lights on, drawers open, dishes in the sink. They can be worse. I'm sure it will get worse. I never knew I was so picky. I really have to get me in check, need to appreciate the time I have with him.
My last year has been all about death, My mom a year ago, my aunt Christmas day and my 100 year old grandmother in February. I guess the whole year has been a blur. My motivation for work has been zapped. I hope the gym will instill a bit of motivation in me. Now I am just trying to figure out how to manage on not having any money coming in (business) for the next 2 and a half months., I have savings just don't want to dip into it. I guess ill have to. My dad offered to help but looking at his finances he has $500 to the next social security check in the middle of the month. He balances by seeing if he has enough in checking to make the next purchase. There is no money left at the end of his month so nothing to help us out with. Sorry, blowing off steam here.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Bit of a mixed picture, then?

You know what occurs to me about your not wanting to give in to calling your sibs? Just that, all over the forum, there are distant siblings complaining that the caregiving sibling shuts them out (my siblings reckoned I developed a portcullis attitude too). They're quite possibly typing as we speak, so to speak, with questions about my brother's taken my dad into his home and now we can't get through to them blah blah blah - how ironic would that be?

What you see depends on where you stand, eh.

If you're feeling you're being left to fend for yourself with your dad and they should be more on your side, call them.

Hm. How much drama are we talking about, though?!?!

It's great that he is making an effort with people of his own age. Even if it is a slow start, at least he has made one - my mother would rather have stuck red hot paper clips under her nails than make new friends. That really could make all the difference to all of you.

Careful about how much parenting you do - though actually if you've already got him booking appointments, taking himself off and the rest of it then again you're doing better than I did. Was he always a bit on the heavy side or is this a boredom/bereavement/mobility issue, do you think? Hard to tackle without putting the whole family on a lettuce leaf and celery diet. Which I don't recommend, by the way… :)

Watch yourself about work, too - you work from home, don't you? What I severely underestimated was how… sapping my mother's constant presence would be. I'd already had a setback from moving away from my clients, but I'd thought that since all I really need is a phone and internet to do my job it wouldn't make any big difference. Not so. It was as if I'd fallen off some radar or other. I didn't do enough to correct it early on, because with adjusting to looking after mother it quite suited me for things to ease up a bit. But then, naturally, she became more dependent and took up more time, and then there are the unanticipated crises like broken bones and illness… anyway, I will eventually get my business growing again but right now I'm dead in the water; and even if I did have the energy to get up and go out to find new work, I did just a couple of jobs for an old favourite client last summer and it nearly killed me. This is not the time to go hunting.

So all I'd say is: do for heaven's sake *plan* for him to take up more of your time. Yes, it'll be easier once your routines are running smoothly, but as he gets older his needs are bound to increase. Don't do what I did - make your own mistakes!
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

So far so good, there are times tho. It is the getting used to someone else in the house and I cant yell like I could it it were my kids. We were just getting used to empty nest then BAM! I am trying to let him adjust as well. He has this thing where "we have to do this or we have to do that", when it is he who can do it. His health is not as great as I thought. He is very over weight and I have made him get all the Dr appts for check ups. Mom did all that and I am making him do it on his own. The first few I went with him,. I felt like the parent instead of the child. No I make him set it up and go with out me. I guess it is a bit of tough love. He goes out for lunch when he can sneak out (oh well) and eats not healthy. We try to eat better at home. He loves dessert hence the weight. He will con me into making him a pie and then he devours it. Ive resorted to leaving the last piece in the fridge for days (he wont eat it out of respect for us I guess). Must drive him crazy. I have introduced him to people his own age to get him out, it is slow but working. He has found a local senior group to go on a few local trips with. It is hard. I feel like a prisoner in my own home at times. I guess in a few years it will all work out. My wife is great about the whole thing. It has cost me a great deal of money this year and I am on lean times and he cannot help out financially, somehow we will get through it. As far as the siblings, I really don't want to call kind of the pride thing. I will chalk it up to better off without the drama I guess.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Call them! :)

Or, at least, if you miss talking to them, call them. Let them gossip behind your back: doesn't matter, does it? Worry less. I'm assuming they're not the meddling kind who might create real, practical problems for you or your father?

And if your Dad is living with you for the duration, you ought to sort out his contribution to the household utilities bills &c. if only to preserve his dignity. Nobody lives anywhere free of charge, not in our days.

Speaking of offering to talk, how is it going? I remember your posting a while back - we should've asked you to check in from time to time, too!
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.