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Mom 71 with moderate dementia. I have 1 brother who is married lives in the Bldg next door. Mom was there for him and everyone. She was so supportive. He stops in to see her approx 2-3 times per year. I work in a hospital full time. My brother does not visit, does not offer to help. All her retirement. Social security goes to Medicaid. I support her financially and care for her. I have had discussions, arguments both him and his wife for years. No help whatsoever. They visit when she is in the hospital. go figure!! So frustrating, because people always ask about my brother. My brother will visit if a visitor comes from out of town, I guess to show face. I have had resentment because my life is no life. I am literally in this journey by myself. I don’t understand how my brother can live with himself, it’s disgusting.

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"The next suggestion is to work out what additional help could support you, and what it would cost. In addition, fix cost for a care agreement with your mother so that you are paid for the support you provide already (and perhaps a one-off payment for the past support). It will probably be very expensive. Then you can have a conversation with your brother about this option, and the impact it will have on any expectations he has for an inheritance. "

As long as someone else is doing the work, many of our siblings are willing to sit back and let it happen.

I facilitated my mother living in her own home until last month. She is now in her last week of a rehab facility, and it will be a nursing home after that. This past month (especially when she was hospitalized for 17 days) has been very stressful for me. I told my brothers I cannot continue without compensation. To my surprise, two of my brothers came up with the same hourly rate that I did. And my brother said he was okay with compensating me for the past two years, when I was my mother's Dummy Daughter Driver.

(Now I've had to remind him a few times that I expect payment to be current by the end of the year. That way the money will be a gift to me for this calendar year, and I can start anew next year. I'm not paying any taxes, as my mother will never be Medicaid-eligible.)

Does it take away the stress? Nope. And once she's in a nursing home, I know the stress won't end. But I'm keeping track of the hours, and will be compensated for them. It's a rough estimate for the past two years, but I have sent my brothers emails of the hours I've put in. And no, I'm not charging for every single hour.

I've saved the inheritance a good bit of money over the past few years. My mother said she would have gone into Assisted Living if I'd not been her transportation. My only compensation was being given her car -- Blue Book value was $3000. I was never given gas money. (The nursing home is more expensive than Assisted Living, but her LTC policy covers SNF, whereas it didn't cover Assisted Living facilities. She will be paid $7000/month by the policy for 7 years; only a 30-day exclusion. The nursing home we will probably choose will be an addition $1600 -- $8600/month total -- but that will be covered by her Social Security payment.)

If my mother didn't have such an unappreciative attitude, I probably wouldn't have felt so put-upon. But after being repeatedly being told my time didn't matter (and she had NO concept of how much time she took), whereas she readily accepted that one of my brothers was "too busy" to ever come visit (he hasn't seen in her in 2 years come January!), I felt very resentful.

The money will help.

Can you relate to any of this? Have you ever told your brother how you feel?
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Reply to CTTN55
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There are two subjects here.

#1 Your brother.

#2 Support with caring for your mother.

I think it's very important to separate them. Because you are overworked and overtired and trapped, you are exhausted and hurt. Because you are exhausted and hurt and your brother isn't lifting a finger to help, you are very angry with him and blaming him. But neither set of feelings is going to change anything.

So. Your brother. He was living with your mother; and you also mention that your mother was very supportive of him and always there for him. And even when he moved, he didn't get away very far, did he? - the next door building. Where he lives with his wife who is...? - what is she like? I'm wondering how capable your brother is, and what challenges of his own he might be dealing with.

Next, your mother. I hesitate to say this, but the reason that she needs 24 hour care at home with you providing at least a full shift every single day in addition to your own full-time job is that you will not consider any alternative. And I would say that your professionalism shows in the very substantial support package you've managed to wring out of Medicaid - from reading here, I don't think many people negotiate so effectively with them, do they?

I'm not arguing with your choice to keep your mother at home and work your behind off to pay for it. It may be the only choice you can live with, and having had a few comparable reasons for bringing my own mother home I can hardly pretend I don't get it. But it is *your* choice, which you made knowing what was involved. What can you expect others to contribute to making it work?

Or, what would you *like* others to contribute? - not just your brother, anybody.
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Reply to Countrymouse
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Nil- I understand how you are feeling. I have 2 sisters and 2 brothers, and none of them speak to my Mom or visit or are concerned about her, and they were that way about my Dad too. After I moved my parents here with me, they stopped all communication. I guess this just happens. I use to feel a lot of resentment and anger toward them for their behaviors. But they are the ones that will have to answer for it. I just continue on and don't worry about them anymore. I love my Mom and loved my Dad to the best of my God given abilities. I love to have no regrets.
It takes so much energy to worry about other people and why they act the way they do. Just continue on as if they didn't exist and do your best.
You are not alone in this journey, The Lord is there. We just have to rely on Him, He is faithful.
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Reply to smeshque
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I can see that this is very difficult for you in many ways. What do you want your brother and sister in law to do? Visit more often? Provide hands on care for your mother? Be a presence with her so that you have more freedom? Contribute financially? It would be good to clarify your own ideas, instead of just resenting what a pain he is.

The next suggestion is to work out what additional help could support you, and what it would cost. In addition, fix cost for a care agreement with your mother so that you are paid for the support you provide already (and perhaps a one-off payment for the past support). It will probably be very expensive. Then you can have a conversation with your brother about this option, and the impact it will have on any expectations he has for an inheritance. He may be more receptive if he can see the results for himself.

Last suggestion is to stop being tactful and discrete when people ask you about your brother. Just say accurately what he does, and the impact on you of the lack of support. You don’t need to complain, just give the facts.

Yours in support, Margaret
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Reply to MargaretMcKen
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Mom 71 with moderate dementia. I have 1 brother who is married lives in the Bldg next door. Mom was there for him and everyone. She was so supportive. He stops in to see her approx 2-3 times per year. I work in a hospital full time. Have 12 hour home care so I can work. She needs 24 hr care Medicaid includes me in the hrs. Weekends they provide 6hrs. I am on duty 8pm to 8am when the Aid relieves me. On weekend I am on duty 3pm to 9am in the morning. I was living out of state, returned in 2007 after she had medical illness Kidney failed. My brother was living with her at the time. If I did not return she would have died many years ago. In 2015 she got kidney transplant woke up Delirious and now with progressive Dementia. My brother does not visit, does not offer to help. All her retirement. Social security goes to Medicaid. I support her financially and care for her. I have had discussions arguments both he and his wife for years. No help whatsoever. They visit when she is in the hospital. go figure!! Never calls her nothing. I believe they have left her for dead. Waiting for the burial to collect. So frustrating, because people always ask about my brother. My brother will visit if a visitor comes from out of town, I guess to show face. I have had resentment because my life is no life. Nursing home is not an option this year from April-May was in a facility for 1 month fell 5 times, I will not be putting her back in a facility, I am a social worker visited so many, basically all the same understaffed, it was horrible. she declined both medically and cognitively, the Suoervisor would call me all hours of the night. NH Is not a good option for my mother, it will end her life. I Can’t talk to my so called brother or family, they have no comments. Discussed hospice but she not at that stage yet, I am literally in this journey by myself. I don’t understand how my brother can live with himself, it’s disgusting. It saddens me, I have basically just focus on caregiving, nursing duties and walking with her on the graveyard shift. Did I mention I am a clinician in a busy hospital full time. As you can see it is too much.
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Reply to Nileje
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More detail, please. We wish we had ESP, but we don’t. Thanks.
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Reply to Ahmijoy
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