I can't care for my Mother on weekends and my siblings are forcing me. Any advice?

Please read through this whole thread, especially the wisdom of JudeAH53. Your daughter needs you. Your siblings must take over some care or mother will need facility care. That may be best in the end, anyway. Whatever you do, don't give in to your siblings. This is not your fault.
Carol

Junior, I think you have the best reason of all NOT to be the carer for you need to have quality time with your daughter who has a disability. Invite your 'darling' siblings round for a non negotiable meeting and explain that while you appreciate they would like all their weekends free to enjoy themselves, you owe it to yourself and your daughter to have some quality time together and you are not prepared to give up EVERY weekend to care for your mum and lose out on Mum daughter time with YOUR daughter.

So you have called this meeting to look at some options

PLAN A

WE share weekend care ....Say these are the weekends I WILL do and these are the weekends YOU will need to share between you. If you can't come and care and I understand your reluctance to give up your freedom then we need to look at PLAN B

PLAN B

Mum pays for a sitter/carer (depending on needs) to give us the break we need and I MUST HAVE (note: MUST HAVE this stops it being optional). If you meet a brick wall there and again you probably will then PLAN C comes into play

PLAN C
We have no option then but to place mum in care since her needs come before ours and her needs MUST be met. Once she is in care then I will visit her on these weekends and I expect you to visit her on these weekends - then even if they don't go you will know she is safe from harm

Good luck hun experience tells me they will try to lay the guilt trip on you BUT STAY STRONG. There is a format for this: decide on what you want to say - perhaps

I intend to have some quality time with my daughter and therefore I will not do the care for Mum every weekend

Now every time they try to wriggle you into being compromised repeat the exact same words staring with NO

so NO I intend to have some quality time with my daughter and therefore I will not do the care for Mum every weekend

It doesn't matter what way they try to turn you just keep repeating it. NEVER use the word Sorry - for that gives them an in stay determined and use this 'cracked record' approach - it is very successful.

Maybe it is time to investigate a facility for your mother? If she can't stay alone over a weekend without risking something happening to her then maybe she shouldn't be living alone at all.

Patrice, I had to laugh at your sibling saying they just wanted to come visit, and not help. What makes them exempt? I have a sister like that too. She has been to Mom's twice in the last few months, a brief visit on Mother's day and again on Mom's birthday. And she lives only a few blocks away. Meanwhile I am here every week cleaning, doing errands, taking Mom shopping and to the doctor. And I live 90 miles away. My mother does not need visitors. She needs someone to take the stack of newspapers to the recycling bin. She needs someone to replace the light bulb under the range hood. She needs someone to pick up her mail. Etc. etc. I don't get how some siblings can think others are just naturally the family drudge and they themselves or off the hook. Where does that come from?

I think the answer is very difficult but it sounds like it's time for the next step. Just as everyone who's answered so far has pointed out that your siblings cannot force you to do anything, you must remember that you also cannot force your siblings to do anything. If they don't want to help in caring for her, you cannot make them do it. It does sound like your mom needs to be in a facility where she can get 24/7 care. Obviously you've done your best to care for her but I don't think that decision can be postponed any longer. The quality of your own life hinges upon it. Good luck!

Just say no. They are not putting a weapon to your head. Notify them that you will not take care of mom XX weekend and YY weekend and refuse to discuss it. They brow beat you and you give in. "i can't that weekend, i have plans" and no discussion about the plans or anything. Just do it.

junior1, don't let your siblings bully you.

If mother cannot be alone over the weekend, and all of you leave her alone, then the responsibility if something happens to her when she is alone is on all of your heads. They cannot insist that you and only you are responsible for weekends. (Well, they can insist, but it has no force in ethics or in law.)

They are saying "I can't take care of Mom over the weekends." And you are saying that, too. All of you are entitled to say that. But, assuming you all love your mother, you should be working together to come up with a plan that meets Mom's needs.

How many siblings do you have? What if you rotated weekends so each only had to do it every third or fourth (or whatever) weekend. Might that be doable?

Who takes care of Mom the other five days a week?

A person who needs 24/7 care needs it as much on Saturday as she does on Tuesday. Leaving Mom alone is Not an Option. Your siblings seem to have the attitude that it is you or no one. That is absurd, and is a bullying tactic. The facts are 1) Mom needs weekend care and 2) you are not going to provide that care every weekend (or any weekend, if that is your situation).

All of you need to acknowledge these two FACTS and then focus your energy and finding other solutions.

This is coming from someone who was the main caregiver. I was told they (siblings) worked and couldn't do anything during the week. This statement led me to believe they would help on weekends. Rather then just being upfront and honest, there was always an excuse and sometimes they just wouldn't even call to say they were coming. I learned to expect nothing and therefore was not disappointed. Be upfront and honest with what you can and can not do. You can not help in anyway. You can help some weekends. You can help some during the week. I think when everything is in the table, it works out better although not everyone will be happy. P.s. I was told sibling wanted to come and just visit and not help. Ironically, by this point my mom could hardly speak a few words.

About the siblings who just want to visit (not in OP's question -- from other responses):

While Mom was still living alone in an apartment we had Social Services do a needs assessment. Mother claimed not to need any help at all. Can you keep your apartment clean? Well, no, but my daughters do that. How about laundry? My daughters do that. One sister piped up, Ma when we come to visit you we want to play cards or scrabble or take you to lunch! We don't come to scrub your toilet and have no time for you! (Mom did get housekeeping services and a visiting nurse. Family came as often and stayed as long, but had more time to actually interact with Mom.)

The ideal situation is for much of the routine household chores to be handled by a paid helper, and family freed to do what only family can do best. You can't hire someone to reminisce about the treats Mom made for school birthdays or to remember with Dad the very funny fishing trip. But you can easily hire someone to do the laundry, vacuum, see that all bulbs are working, etc. You can order Meals on Wheels, and occasionally take Mom someplace she loves to eat.

I really don't blame family that just wants to "visit" -- ideally that would be possible for ALL family. But we are seldom in an ideal situation. Everyone needs to face the reality of the situation they are in.

They can't force you to take care of her. If you can't do it any weekend, then I would explain that I can't do it any weekend. Perhaps you could do it two weekends per year, if that would work with you caring for your disabled child. Your primary responsibility is your disabled child.

I would suggest they look for weekend care to come in and do what you have been doing. I would give them a deadline to find alternate care. I wouldn't just stop without providing them sufficient time to make other arrangements.

This might be a time to discuss placing your mom somewhere that she might get round the clock care. Depending on her condition, maybe they could arrange for her to stay at a facility on the weekends. For some seniors, sick or dementia patients, that moving back and forth might be too disruptive. Still, you have to do what you have to do to keep her safe.

I would think you should investigate respite care for the weekends you need off, and present them with a done deal. Give them the figures, and tell them that if none of them can come, they need to chip in whatever. Actually, it probably would be better if you let them off the hook, because they won't know your routine and might easily cause problems.