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I don't live in the same state as my 92 yr old mother. She lives alone and I have sisters close by. They take her to the drs, and other appointments. She had home health care briefly but then canceled her as said she did not need her. My mother insists she can care for herself. I go home once a month and stay there with her, there is little to no housecleaning done as she is not able. Her meds are many and does not take correctly, even though they are set up by my sister. Many is the time I call and she is still in bed and not dressed. Her incontinence is obvious and her lack of personal hygene is disturbing. She is easily confused and her meals are hit or miss, my sisters bring stuff but if they do eat with her, it goes in the refrigerator and she eats cereal, if she eats at all. I am at my wits end as do want her to stay in the house as long as possible but so many gaps in her days when she could use help. Again my sisters think they do enough and do not want to upset her by having help come in. She has adequate funds so that is not the problem. Am I doing all I could, the need to do something is paramount to me, and I only want things better for her.

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The next time you're in town can you sit down with your sisters, maybe go to lunch, and express to them that you think mom needs more care? If you give them a laundry list of things that aren't being done you run the risk of alienating them and putting them on the defensive but if you approach it in a "What do we need to do?" kind of way they may be receptive. Do your sisters have families of their own? Jobs? I wonder why, between the two of them, they don't see that your mom needs more assistance.

And since you said your mom has the money I would see about calling a home healthcare agency and getting some extra help on a regular basis. I know you said your mom feels that she doesn't need it but it sounds like she really does need it. You'll have to approach your mom very carefully with this one. Tell her that you want her to be able to remain in her home and if that is to happen some things need to change. And with your mom most certainly tell her what your concerns are. The no eating, the incontinence, the hygiene, etc. Hopefully your sisters will be on board with this as you don't want to be the one person calling all the shots. Get your siblings involved in this conversation. If it's the 3 of you against your mom she's liable to listen. If your mom has more help in the home then your sisters won't be totally responsible for all of mom's care. They can supplement the care and maybe that's what they need as well since it seems to be too much work for them to do on their own. If you and your sisters are the ones to hire to home healthcare your mom won't be able to just cancel it if she feels like it even if she's the one footing the bill.

Does your mom have dementia? It sounds like it from what you wrote. Most people in their right mind will eat when they're hungry and will find soiled clothing objectionable. Regardless of whether your mom has dementia or not someone needs to be her Power of Attorney. You and your sisters need to figure out who this is going to be. Do this ASAP.
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