Two of my siblings are very dictatorial in their speech when trying to get mom to do things. How do I teach them the proper way to speak to her?

Shoot--my kids and hubby talk like this to me and it drives me nuts! I am nowhere near having dementia--but they will get very "now, mom, you should be doing a,b,c....and lifting weights and probably taking this or that" and they can get really in my face. I ask them to stop treating me like a child--that usually shuts them up. Hubby or probably the worst, since I live with him, but he needs to think he's a lot smarter than I am--like it matters.

Often just the "tone" of voice is all that matters. That is all you "hear".

This happened the other day when my mother was acting out due to a UTI that messed up her psych meds. My brother was yelling in her face and she was getting more upset and agitated. I must say that his behavior was learned as a child and when he gets upset, it's default behavior. He loves my mother dearly and does a great deal for her. Anyway, I asked him to leave the room, which after some huffing and puffing, he did and watched from the doorway as I calmly, and in a quiet tone soothed her down. I have had to model new ways of behaving to my siblings many times as they, and I, learned healthier ways to react. I did bring it up on the ride home. Again, in a calm voice, I told him that he can't yell at Mom-it only made things worse. I was tempted to not say anything, but for me, gone are the days when I let things get swept under the rug. He got huffy again, and quickly changed the subject, which was fine with me. It had been said, and we drove the rest of the way talking of other things.

I'd tell them to read up on demetia/Alzheimer's mabe that will give them a little perspective. They should also have a little respect just because she's mentally declining doesn't mean just doesn't have feelings still.

Send your sister links to Teepa Snow videos on Youtube. They are very informative.

My mother snapped at me that I was "maddening." That turned me bright pink and silent, I can tell you.

I'd suggest you suggest to the sergeant major siblings that they listen to themselves. And then think: if an outsider spoke to your mother as they just have, how would they react?

I hate to say this but once people are adults, their personalities have formed....it is rare to change that for the better. You can either keep your family away from the patient and thus avoid yelling, etc. or you must put the patient somewhere where the family can't yell. This is the only way they know how to get things done. You can't teach much at this age unless they truly, without any question, prove they want to learn. Sad but true. Adults usually do NOT learn by following examples where children can learn that way. Good luck.

Have they noticed that their approach just makes matters worse? That did the trick with one of my mom's caregivers (my mom does not have dementia, but is strong-willed and not happy about needing care). Initially this caregiver would keep repeating her request, e.g., "Mrs. M., time for breakfast!" and would repeat it more loudly each time, thinking that my mom hadn't heard her. The caregiver has a naturally hard-edged voice and can sound like she's angry when she isn't. My mom would just keep her eyes shut and pretend to be asleep. Finally, during one of these bouts, my mother opened her eyes and said, "My hearing is excellent, and I resent your shouting at me." And then promptly closed her eyes. The caregiver got the message!

Maybe there is a social worker or other third party who can help your siblings understand that they need to change their approach? A social worker visits from time to time and her input has been invaluable.

Midkid58, (I'm not sure of your situation of course just sounds like you're in a 'patient' situation from your post) I myself am I guess in more caretaker position. It's only like just sitting over my grandma's house. A month ago I finally said I'd had enough and quit going over her house (like you said about tone of voice) My gm only cares about herself and is happiest when someone is doing (anything) for her. I'm not saying my age again due to certain comments I've received from others here, but I've put up with her for 7 years and die to her dementia she gets meaner everyday. However my parents (the only ones who could do something) don't seem to have any interest in doing anything about her. My mom, who's her daughter seemes in denial about it all despite her cousin (and my therapist) can clearly tell she's driven me down to the ground emotionally. I guess this didn't really have to do with it, I'm just upset.

It sounds like she definitely needs someone looking out for her. Eventually she's going to need guardianship and hopefully at someone trustworthy who won't take advantage by stealing from her. Someone definitely needs to be looking out for her best interest

Let your siblings know the way they speak to your mother bothers you and how it makes you feel. Use "I" statements like "When you speak to our mother like a dictator it makes me feel sad and worried that we are not helping our mother." Watch the Teepa Snow videos yourself before you send your siblings links to them in emails. Let your siblings know that it is important for your mother that all of you learn to speak to her in a way that she feels loved, respected, and soothed. This will only get harder for all of you as your mother's brain disease gets worse. The sooner you and your siblings learn some of the skills needed to deal with a person who has Alzheimer's the better.