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Sis feels, Mom is in her house so, she will rule. No fighting in front of Mom. She is 93, & we all protect and love her, but of course she is 93 and smarter than the three of us. There are never raised voices but even Mom is afraid to upset my sister. She is very good to my Mom, but can be a bit of a bully. I want to confront and challenge my sis but my bro is like a lot of guys, just don't talk about it. I don't know if I even am making sense, but think I can offer some enjoyment in mom's life, just from my personality. I have always been her kid that made her laugh and I want to do that until she is 103. Wish I could say these things to her. This like a terrible burden only she can handle when in fact my bro & I help.

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GG, my question is: in an ideal world, where do you see your mother living?

I think I understand what you're getting at, perhaps - that your mother feels uncomfortable in your sister's household, not in specifics but in being constantly supervised and "got at"? But you're going to have your work cut out doing much about it, especially if your mother isn't able or in any case willing to speak up.

My mother probably felt the same about me, I'm sorry to say. I found her very frustrating at times and I'm not good at holding my tongue, even if it doesn't get me anywhere. But you know what? You have to take the rough with the smooth. Your sister may not be the cuddliest of the three of you siblings, but she's the one who's stepped up and taken your mother in, and it would stand to reason if she's also the slightly stern, practical one who isn't a barrel of laughs to be around.

Would it be a fair summary to say you'd like to get your sister to lighten up? It's a nice idea that puts a rueful smile on my face. Easier said than done, lightening up under that weight of responsibility, you know.

How do you get on with your sister in general terms, besides your differences of perspective in relation to your mother? Is there anything practical you can do to help her? Who else is living in the house besides your sister and your mother - does your sister also have a family to take care of?

PS - brothers… Don't start me.
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Just because other posters see things differently from you does not mean they are discounting your feelings or dissing you glassgirl. Most of us are the primary caregivers, and many of us have siblings stirring the pot and second guessing everything we do. It might help you to listen to their advice and try to see things from a different perspective.
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Glass, very often in dementia patients, the child doing the caregiving not only gets the brunt of the work, they get to have their parent stir the pot by telling other family members how terrible the caregiver is.

I would suggest that if your mother is "well off", she and your siblings would be well served by having her live in an Assisted Living facility.

Or perhaps, offer to come and live in for a week while your sister takes a vacation. Perhaps Mom will prefer you as her caregiver and move in with you.
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Let me just follow up. I am voicing feelings here. I would never burden Mom. I hoped this would be a forum for honest feelings. Guess not
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So even if mom is depressed, fearful I should shut up cause she lives in sister's house. This is not a case of charity. Mom is pretty well off and rgrets having moved. Every time I call her, she complains. What would any responsible family member do with that? Mom can't appoint anyone, period. She is too lost. My brother is good w/ finances so he takes charge , it only makes sense.
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No fighting, even without mom. Healthcare decisions should be made by the person mom appoints. Period.
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Is "sister" your aunt, or your sister? No matter, take the caregiving sister out for a break, make her laugh, she is family too, dont neglect her. She will then be in a better mood to take care of mom. What do you think?
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Maybe "confront" isn't the word you should be using with your sister. If I had to guess what's going on in your head, it would be that, in some way (not a bad way) you're jealous of your sister's time with mom. Please don't take offense.

Your sister has taken on the heavy burden of care-taking your mom. People wear that mantel differently. Your sister wears it by being bossy, I guess. Unless you have your 93-year-old mom living with you? You can't even IMAGINE what your sister does. And, I'm guessing she's no spring chicken herself.

Assuming your sister takes good care of mom, she wears angel wings. If the situation were different, those angel wings would be YOURS. You sound like you're a loving, caring daughter who wants to contribute more to mom's enjoyment. Talk to sis about it. But take "confront" out of your vocabulary. ;)
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That's my question cwillie --- what is going on? Go visit. Go spend time and make her laugh. That's priceless. Does your sister not allow you at her house? It's a bit unclear...or is it that you two have so much tension? And if so, ignore the tension because it's about mom...
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It's got to have been hard for sis to have to give up her life plans life to bring your mom into her home no matter how much she loves her. It could be having her home open to you and you brother also is just be too much for her. What exactly is she doing that you would do differently? You make her sound like a controlling tyrant! Do you schedule you visits? Do you consult with her to plan special outings? Have you asked her if she needs some time away from mom to get out to the store or to work in the yard or just to get away?
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You want to be the one who makes Mom laugh. Great goal! Is your sister standing in the way of you doing that?
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It sounds as if your sister is making comments that make you feel guilty? You need to establish boundaries if she is doing that. Does she say that mom is a burden? If she does you may very well be trying to deal with her personality disorder and it will never go away and vets worse with age.
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