Siblings and caregiving. Any advice?

Don’t expect your sister to change. My brothers didn’t help me when I was my mom’s caregiver.

Surely, it would be wonderful if everyone pitched in. She is everyone’s mother. This isn’t usually how it ends up though. There can be a dozen children and the care generally falls on one person.

Actually, none of you are responsible for your mom’s full time care. Is it possible for her to be placed in a facility?

It’s disheartening for the caregiver. I get it. You deserve a break. Accept that your sister gets to choose how she wishes to live her life.

Hire outside help instead of asking your sister to help.

Best wishes to you and your mom.

You cannot make anyone do what they don't want to do. Use mom's money to hire agency caregiver to give yourself some much needed and deserved respite. You are not the only one that this happens to. It is most often the case.

No one can be forced to care give, her priority is her family, not her mother.

You have assumed the responsibility to care for your mother, that was your choice.

The what about you is to make arrangements to place your mother in a home or hire in home caregivers, using your mother's money, not yours.

I am sorry that you are in this position however you do have other options.

The ball is in your court, might be time to make a hard decision for your mental & physical well-being.

I could well be the sister you are complaining about, and no, I am not sorry at all. My mother and my younger sister adore each other, and always did, so I am perfectly happy to let Sis do all the heavy lifting. My mother never really liked me, so I don’t feel any great obligation to deal with her. At 97, she can’t possibly have much time left, but these days, one never knows, the way medical science keeps ‘em staggering on forever. If I were an only child, our parent would be in a facility that accepts Medicaid. If Sister wants to coddle her in a fancier, outlandishly expensive boutique place, she knows it’ll be on HER dime, not mine.

Siblings should NOT expect anything of one another. Do what you feel compelled to do, and let the others do as they like. Complaining to a public forum isn’t going to get you anywhere.

I just hope that you’re the one with POA for your mom. I learned the hard way never to care for anyone again without it.

I was caring for my mom & my sibling had POA and when she started going downhill he stepped in going against everything against I was doing and demanding how he wanted things done.

I ended up telling him to do it himself & walked away.

Grandchildren and mom can't be compared as far as sis doing more for them than for parent. Just won't work that way.

Many folks complain about not getting help from sibs, however unless you've asked for a specific date/time and what you need, you have to understand that most people don't volunteer to help. Be specific and ask sis to do 'this or that' for mom. If there's the chance that sis already said she will NOT participate in mom's care, then you have to accept that. No amount of anger or angst on your part will change how sis feels about participating in the care.

Being a 24/7 caregiver is usually a personal choice. You don't have the heart to place mom in facility care, but other sibs see no problem with it. If this is the case for you, do the best you can. Don't burn your own energy to be angry with others. Use mom's money, if there is any, to pay for in home care to give you a break. Don't try to 'save' mom's money so there is inheritance at the end of her life. Her money is for her care, not for heirs to increase their own bank accts. Plus, if you think you're angry now, if mom has a will designating her estate to all kids equally (or if she has no will, her estate would definitely be split equally), you're going to be angry for the rest of your days when you did all the work and sis got same amount.

Start with specifically what you want sis to do. Ex: Take a week off in July. Give sis the dates and ask for her help. If she says no and has no plans to ever help you, then go to the financial part: Mom doesn't have the funds to pay for in home care and I desperately need a break. Can you pay for in-home care to cover a couple weeks per year for me so I can continue taking care of her? You can hire the help and come by to see how things are going while I'm gone. Or... there is a respite care facility near us that costs $XX per week...can you cover that?

Do not bring up the grandkids in your conversation.

You cannot make your sister do anything. She can choose how she spends her days, but so can you. Tell your sister that you want to have a life like she does and that will require her assistance in finding the right place for mom and all that entails. Maybe a home needs sold, maybe your mom needs to apply for Medicaid, I don't know, but there is much to do to get to a point where you are freed up and mom is cared for. Nothing wrong with asking sister to assist with getting there.

Have you discussed your feelings with her?
What has she said to you?

I think that your sister may have decided to do what brings her the most joy while she is still able at the same time to give meaningful help to at least ONE side of the sandwich she's in the middle of. Many believe that our obligation to family is played forward/payed forward, giving care to our children, and our children to theirs.

We are all different. We all make our choices. And we really cannot change the choices of others. Only our own.
So do speak with her and tell her you know she is sandwiched between her mom and her daughter, but you wonder if you can expect any help from her going forward, and if so, WHAT help.
I would bet she will answer you.
And you will then have your own decisions to make about how long you can continue in care of your Mom.

I am so sorry. My heart goes out to you. I wish you well and hope you will tell me how your talk goes if you choose to have it.

I think it's less about helping her daughter-in-law to have a night out, and more about your sister enjoying spending time with her grandkids more than heavy caregiving work.

I can relate - I stepped in to help my mom (as a support to my dad) and my brother did nothing useful other than weekly calls or visits every other month. It hurt my feelings that he never asked what he could do to help my parents, help me.

For those that say that YOU can make the same choice - ummm, it's not always that easy? I understand feeling a loyalty & interest in helping a parent that you love. But in the meantime, you're burnt to a crisp. We had an aid come in 3x/week for a few hours and yes it was expensive, but it probably saved our sanity. I strongly recommend having someone come in so you can get out and use your Mom's funds if she has them.

Otherwise, it might be worth considering a placement in AL or SNF. We did that with my Mom a month ago because she was so disabled, my father and I could not care for her. Now the heaviness of the caregiving duties has lifted -- she has a big team helping her. We still go in and visit her every day. It's heartbreaking, but life as a solitary caregiver is heartbreaking, backbreaking and may not be sustainable.

BTW - you also might ask your sister if she would be willing to relieve you or other specific things and see how she responds. If you don't ask, it's clear she won't offer it. If she says no, so be it but at least you know exactly where you stand!

Sending strength! Please get the help you need as soon as possible.

AngelaP: You cannot control your sister. Let mom pay for some respite for you.