What can I do when my siblings are against me regarding my Mom's care? - AgingCare.com

What can I do when my siblings are against me regarding my Mom's care?

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I will never understand why familys split apart when caring for there mother. I am at a lost how to deal with my current situation. My mother is requiring more care and supervision involving her care. I have been the primary in her care. setting up the VA benefits and finding her home health care because they are against placing my mother in assited living. I have been trying to set a plan in place when my mom needs to go to a home,but all they do is tell me I am being controlling but yet they dont want to help I am the youngest of 5 siblings. I am so overwhelmed.

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One lesson that I have learned early in the caregiving game is to make sure that you have those family meetings when things are not so stressful for everyone--it is the first event that has to take place. So I suggest calling in all of the siblings and have that talk. Better yet, try to get someone who can facilitate the discussion so that personalities are taken out of the mix. At that meeting set the goals for your mom's care--write it down as if it were a plan for an organization--be clear about responsibilites as well as who controls the finances and who has the power to make final decisions. This is a time when you all should come to gether as one--I am sure that your mother would want her children to be a team for her care as she really doesn't have the mental or physical ability to make that happen. Put away all of your sibling issues and make this about your mother. Be mature and make sure that mom gets and receives the best possible from everyone. This is not about you it is about the most important ever in your life--your mother! Go and work to make it happen.
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Taking care of your mom is overwhelming enough without having to be on the outs with 4 siblings. That sounds very stressful.

Maybe you are controlling but someone has to be. If you don't take care of your mom who will? Them?

Do you have POA? If not, get it ASAP. If anyone is going to be "controlling" it might as well be legal.

So you are planning for the future for your mom if/when you can't care for her anymore? This is a very good idea. You can tell your siblings that if they don't participate in your mom's care, see what it's like to care for her, then their opinion will be noted but you will still make the decision when the time comes. Easier said than done, I know. But as you said, families break up over stuff like this. If you're caring for your mom day in and day out with little or no respite and would like to move her to a nursing home, if your siblings don't like it then they can figure out a way to care for your mom themselves. There's 4 of them and only 1 of you. It should be a snap for them.

But get that POA.
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Been there done that. a wise physician once told me "If you ain't in the trenches, you don't get a vote!" Period and I have used that!
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Youve gotten really good advice from all postings...the one that sticks out most to me..is if you aint in the trenches, than your vote doesnt count...i'd go as far to say opinions are like.......and we all have one...Do whats necessary for mom and don't allow the objective compromised...Often times, the one screaming the loudest, is the one that has very little involvement..Be respectful, but maintain your assertiveness...And please take a wu saa break when needed...You want to be strong, empowered,and in control....NOT OVERWHELMED...and confide in positive friends and family...Not the haters...God Bless you
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On page 23 of my book, I state: “If they want to weigh in on what the solution should be, they have to participate in the process that leads up to that.” In other words, if you are the one who is providing the care, you (along with your mother) are the decision-makers.
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Join the club! I was the youngest of five siblings with nursing experience and they still fought me every step of our mother's declining years. I continued to care for our mother in spite of their bullying, court appearances, allegations, and repeated negative comments. When our mother died, the nursing home called me, even though they were supposed to notify my sister who was the main guardian since my brother had already died. Even though we met the day she died and were civil during her funeral, we are still estranged and that has been 12 years now. So, do what you are going to do for your mother and do not expect everyone to magically get along after she passes. The issues that were there before your mother became ill will not disappear once she passes. My best to you and your mother.
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I understand a little what you are going through. I am taking care of my mother. My older brother and my father has passed away. My older sister does not want anything to do with taking care of my mother. My younger brother thinks he knows whats best for everybody, but does not want to do what it takes to be a caregiver. He thinks she should be put in a home. Even though there is not enough money to put her in a home, she does not want to go in a home. Therefore, the best advice is what the person suggested above about contacting an attorney. A group meeting with all the siblings is great IF YOU ALL WILL BE ABLE TO AGREE ON THE RIGHT COURSE OF ACTION. Otherwise, it will just create more animosity. My brother and I had a sit down with my mother and it did not work, as of today, we do not talk. When these kind of things happen, (care giving, money, property, etc.) it is very hard to get everyone to agree on the same path that needs to be taken. Good luck to you, and remember that it is NOBODY'S FAULT. It is just a part of life.
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Try to have your siblings care for your Mom for several days in a row, including perhaps a Dr. visit, and some shopping, or church perhaps. Something where they need to get her to and from and park and walk with her and handle the details. They need to experience the full range of involvement without being able to go back home at night and recover.

If you have the family meeting prepare your side of the "argument" by documenting specific things that you see as the types of events where your Mom would benefit from Assisted Living: meal preparation, dressing, daily engagement with others, medications, etc. Also list recent situations where your Mom has had difficulty and do include how this has impacted your life such as not being able to get out of the house to do things necessary for life - grocery shopping for example. I'm pretty sure your siblings won't accept you saying simply that daily caring for your Mom is getting you down and you need help. They will not accept that.
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Just tell them all when you need a break or when she needs to go to a nursing home that either she goes or each kid gets her for say 3 months each. When they are in charge and she is living with them they can make all the rules and you will not say a word until it's your turn again. She gets to visit and hang out with all her children before she is gone. Tell Mom that it is not because she needs help it's because everyone wants to spend time with her. You can get Power of Attorney for her and give them the money for her bills. Like for food, electric and maybe a little extra if she has for helping her. You can be the head chief but they all get to help.......When they say NO WAY to your plan then you drive her to the nursing home and tell them it was their choice not to help, not yours ,you did your part. That's what I did with my siblings, each one got 3 months. My Dad loved it. We all got to spend time with him before he got to where he needed full time nursing care. I didn't give them a choice, I said this is the months you get him so get ready. I don't think it is fair that one kid has to give up their life and the others don't. It's their parent TOO, and if they are lame it's not our fault, it's our parents fault, they get what they raised. It doesn't matter where they live either, their insurance follows them if something happens in another State.
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You did not state if you have POA for your Mom;s Health Care or Finances, if you don't...YOU NEED TO GET IT IMMEDIATELY. If you are doing all the caregiving and you are setting up everything then you need to have the ability to carry through legally and have the force of the law behind you.

As of this time I have cared for my mother for 8 years, she is getting worse and her medications barely work...sometimes. She can be verbally abusive, demanding and strong willed which makes it a nightmare to care for her many times. I began having panic attacks and it got so bad I was afraid to be left alone with her and could not listen to any of her criticism because it tore me up. I told everyone I needed help and no one listened until I was sick and they had to stay home from work to help me.

That same day I called an In Home Care Agency because I needed HELP NOW! I had felt that if i could not care for her and no other member of the family could or would care for her, she might have to be placed into a memory facility. We both siblings WHO ARE NOT IN THE TRENCHES, told me that NO MOM DID NOT NEED TO BE IN A FACILITY.....but neither of them can or will be able to care for her. One was very angry over the amount of money it was going to cost to have help and proceeded to yell at me and tell me that I need to pay for the care out of my pocket since it was my problem that I could not handle Mom's worsening condition and that I needed to see a psychiatrist and have him medicate me so I could handle it!
Oh yes, I am serious. She me one month to make myself well and stop the panic and anxiety.

I told her that I would do what I want to do and if she doesn't like it she can stay home and care for Mom and her salary would be zero, just like min. When she blew me off I told her to hire someone to come in and do my job, I don't care it's fine with me! She just tried to level me with verbal assaults...but no panic and anxiety I was too angry!

Bottom line is I have POA's and I can do whatever I feel needs to be done. I listen to both of them, but if they are unreasonable and and unhelpful, well...they get no vote and I will do whatever I have to do to care for Mom.

Unhappy sister told me she was going to find an attorney to go after me because I am wasting Mom's money....She should have said what she really felt...you are wasting my inheritance.
Just to let you know I contacted 6 attorneys and they all said what I am doing is what I am supposed to do and other sister does not have a leg to stand on!!!

This is why I say make sure you have POA or they can kill you in your tracks because they can stop even though they refuse to do what you are doing. They are willing to let you suffer...one attorney told me it is called, "killing the caregiver" and elder law attorneys see it all the time.

Good luck and God bless you, I am right where you are!
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